Who Wants My Ex-Wife’s Lab Coats?

Turtle Sex
I just looked it up - this is how turtles bang! No foolin'!

My girlfriend Jessica left today after a few weeks here in Chicago.  This is a woman who I met through my blog (sort of), came to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner on our first date, and now voluntarily chooses to share a bed with me.

While at BlogHer she stayed here in Chicago and watched the animals.  She also took a day and completely re-designed my closet  during which she found a bunch of my ex-wife’s stuff.

My ex is a veterinarian and living and practicing in Ventura.  I didn’t realize but she had left all of her veterinary textbooks as well as a few doctor lab coats.

Next time I talk to Christina I’ll have to thank her for forgetting one hundred pounds of vet school literature.  I do live on the fourth floor of a four-floor walkup.

You know what might be funny – put the books down in the alley next to my building and place a Craigslist ad for “Free Horse Anatomy Textbooks – Get Them Before You Get Got!”  Then video the degenerates that come to collect.  Lastly turn that footage into the police.

As for the labcoat, I asked Jessica  to wear it during a recent lovemaking session.  She refused.

Obviously there is no truth to that previous bit.  It was the most absurd thing I could think of and you went with it.  I know you laughed.  Don’t lie to me.  I’m funny.

What  should  I do with the coat?  I could toss them, but they’ve got her name on it and everything.  I feel like a dick throwing out something personalized.  What’s weird is that it actually isn’t her name anymore.  She kept my last name after the divorce.  Strange decision until you realize that my name is way cooler than “Johnson.”

Oooh… another Craigslist idea!

Always wanted to be a physician but not smart enough?  Want the respect and admiration of vapid women?  I have, in my possession, two genuine lab coats worn by a doctor named Johnson.  While on your bodice this coat transforms you into the spitting image of a legit medical professional.  Confidently strut your city boardwalk while older men tip their caps and young women are overcome with the vapors.  Since your last name is not Johnson, you ought to legally change your name OR THE COAT WILL BE LARGELY INEFFECTIVE.  Cost = free + your dignity.

Or I could just box them up and send it to California with a note:  “These will come in handy if you ever re-marry a guy named Johnson.  Then, if he leaves you, you can take his last name (which ironically is your maiden name) and wear the coats proudly and accurately.”

Note – I do actually like my ex-wife quite a bit.  But stashing seventeen textbooks in the closet was not super awesome.  Okay, heading off to bed.  Going to read from the 2005 Guide To Everything Turtles 2nd Edition.  What is that damned shell made out of anyway?  Can’t wait to find out!

Turtle Sex
I just looked it up – this is how turtles bang! No foolin’!

photo credit: Vainsang via photo pin cc