My girlfriend Jessica left today after a few weeks here in Chicago. This is a woman who I met through my blog (sort of), came to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner on our first date, and now voluntarily chooses to share a bed with me.
While at BlogHer she stayed here in Chicago and watched the animals. She also took a day and completely re-designed my closet during which she found a bunch of my ex-wife’s stuff.
My ex is a veterinarian and living and practicing in Ventura. I didn’t realize but she had left all of her veterinary textbooks as well as a few doctor lab coats.
Next time I talk to Christina I’ll have to thank her for forgetting one hundred pounds of vet school literature. I do live on the fourth floor of a four-floor walkup.
You know what might be funny – put the books down in the alley next to my building and place a Craigslist ad for “Free Horse Anatomy Textbooks – Get Them Before You Get Got!” Then video the degenerates that come to collect. Lastly turn that footage into the police.
As for the labcoat, I asked Jessica to wear it during a recent lovemaking session. She refused.
Obviously there is no truth to that previous bit. It was the most absurd thing I could think of and you went with it. I know you laughed. Don’t lie to me. I’m funny.
What should I do with the coat? I could toss them, but they’ve got her name on it and everything. I feel like a dick throwing out something personalized. What’s weird is that it actually isn’t her name anymore. She kept my last name after the divorce. Strange decision until you realize that my name is way cooler than “Johnson.”
Oooh… another Craigslist idea!
Always wanted to be a physician but not smart enough? Want the respect and admiration of vapid women? I have, in my possession, two genuine lab coats worn by a doctor named Johnson. While on your bodice this coat transforms you into the spitting image of a legit medical professional. Confidently strut your city boardwalk while older men tip their caps and young women are overcome with the vapors. Since your last name is not Johnson, you ought to legally change your name OR THE COAT WILL BE LARGELY INEFFECTIVE. Cost = free + your dignity.
Or I could just box them up and send it to California with a note: “These will come in handy if you ever re-marry a guy named Johnson. Then, if he leaves you, you can take his last name (which ironically is your maiden name) and wear the coats proudly and accurately.”
Note – I do actually like my ex-wife quite a bit. But stashing seventeen textbooks in the closet was not super awesome. Okay, heading off to bed. Going to read from the 2005 Guide To Everything Turtles 2nd Edition. What is that damned shell made out of anyway? Can’t wait to find out!
MicheleLeAnn says:
I think you should have “Dick” embroidered in front of Johnson, and wear them out and about. Ya know, just for fun.
D.J. Paris says:
@MicheleLeAnn I feel like nobody says that anymore. I’m totally going to use it from now on. “I don’t know, Michelle, I just woke up with a massive pain in my Johnson. I must have slept on it wrong.”
wilyguy says:
Paging Dr. Johnson to the … nope can’t go there.
D.J. Paris says:
@wilyguy well played, sir!
Craziness Abounds says:
You can actually sell those text books back to the college she went to in most cases. They have boards for students to go buy used books. With classes about to start back up you might want to take them down and turn them in. You might get some good cash off them. Then send the coats back to her with the money you made off her books and take your girlfriend out for dinner and a movie with the rest. Just a suggestion
D.J. Paris says:
@Craziness Abounds Since they’re seven years old, I’m going to just throw them in the dumpster. Let’s make it the garbageman’s problem.
BubblesDeux says:
“Obviously there is no truth to that previous bit. It was the most absurd thing I could think of and you went with it. I know you laughed. Don’t lie to me. I’m funny.”
I started laughing almost as soon as I realized you weren’t serious. Or so you say…
Now, what are turtle shells made of? Or is it too awesome to share via the internet?
D.J. Paris says:
@BubblesDeux Too lazy to Google. Let’s just say calcium.
inthemomlight says:
On a recent Tosh.O, I got to witness a turtle getting himself off… it’s good to now see turtles getting each other off. I was worried that turtles and my husband might have a lot in common. Now I know they definitely do not.
D.J. Paris says:
@inthemomlight I know – plus turtles don’t have shame afterwards.
inthemomlight says:
@tfpHumorBlog or porn…. although turtle porn may be hard core…
FancyGirl says:
I have three turtles- supposedly all girls. I see them like that A LOT. Now I feel weird. Maybe not weird but slightly conflicted. Privacy screen for the tank?
Juststuff3 says:
Ummm sounds like you still got baggage…she’s gone…and left them behind…obviously they are unimportant to her…i am sure your apt. Complex has a garbage chute…use it…it may actually help you let it go finally…your girlfriend would probably agree
D.J. Paris says:
@Juststuff3 Ha – I’m sure I still have a bit of baggage, but it’s not the lab coats. I didn’t know they existed until a few days ago. Funny thing to see in the closet though.
Juststuff3 says:
@tfpHumorBlog yeah, i know..i can can be a bit harsh sometimes…i had to share my wine tonight….otherwise i’d be way nicer right now…or asleep 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@Juststuff3 Real women slam Valium.
Juststuff3 says:
@tfpHumorBlog. Ahhhh if only i was a real woman….sigh …. i’m a realist….your girlfriend sounds awesome…don’t screw it up !! Give yourself this chance at real happiness…
D.J. Paris says:
@Juststuff3 Just because you said that, I have decided to screw it up! It’s your fault.
Juststuff3 says:
@tfpHumorBlog touche…you win 🙂 i absolve myself of fault….for this at least….too much other shit in my own life is already my fault. ::-D Tell me more about those turtles hunh?!?
Zena Zee says:
I’d take them, I’ve always wanted a lab coat.
If it makes you feel better you can pretend I’m burning them and dancing around them in a crazy heathen dancing montage.
D.J. Paris says:
Lab coat is on the way!
D.J. Paris says:
@inthemomlight Nah, it’s not that bad.
D.J. Paris says:
@Juststuff3 @tfpHumorBlog The turtles are none of your beeswax and I’ll ask you not to mention them again!