I don’t think I ever have been flipped the bird while driving. If so I have forgotten. It’s likely, just from a law of averages sort of thing. I was thinking about it today, and I also don’t think I’ve been in an accident since I was sixteen.
Yesterday, I came pretty close. I was heading out of Jos. A Bank with some new shirts, because I am super hip and trendy.
I jumped into my car, which is a huge boat of a car my mom handed down. It’s a really nice car, but it’s goddamned enormous. Plus, it’s got a V8, which people tell me means it goes pretty fast. It also means it doesn’t stop as quickly as other cars. So, I drive it like an old lady. Slow starts, and I brake way early. I even sometimes come to a complete stop when making a right turn on red! Just kidding – nobody does that.
Outside of Jos. A Bank on this busy Chicago street there were a few small crosswalks. Those are the things without the stop signs, but you’re supposed to stop anyway. Except they’re not marked but on the pavement, and when I’m driving, I’m texting, checking email, and tweeting. I’m not proud of it, but hey, I’m not proud of the box of Entenmann’s I put down today by noon.
So, while I’m pulling away slowly, a group of people in their 30s are trying to cross the street. Since there’s no stop sign, I don’t realize I’m supposed to brake at the crosswalk. They instinctively and abruptly halt to see out if I am going to slow down. At that precise moment an attractive blonde in the group flashes a smile at me. I got really excited and smiled back. Then I waved.
Then I drove right past them. More like through them. As I sped past I saw her smile turn into a frown, and I realized what I had done. I smiled at a group of people, waved them on, and then f’d them over. In my mind I was just waving at a girl.
I started to laugh realizing I just did a totally uncool move, albeit intentionally.
Then, since the sunroof was down I heard in the background one of the guys yell out, “What a dick!”
I giggled all the way home.