I’m on a quest to lose ten pounds.
Why? Two reasons. One, I have too much body fat. While I eat pretty healthy, I eat too much. If I don’t regulate my caloric intake, I’m bound to eat everything that’s awesome in the cupboard. I’m sure it’s a coping mechanism for some sort of sadness or whatever. Like if you don’t write comments at the end of each post. Yep – it’s your fault. If I die from too much food my attorney has been instructed to sue the lot of you. After we in punitive damages my will states that the casket is to be exhumed and your piles of dough are to be dumped in with my rotting corpse. This way, if heaven has a sundries shop, I can buy some stuff.
The second reason I would like to lose some fat is that I have a conference to attend where I’m speaking, and truthfully, I don’t want to feel overweight. My clothes are tight and I’m not happy with my fat face in photos.
Okay, now that I’ve sufficiently proven that I have a vagina, let’s continue.
So, how to lose the weight? Well, I know a few ways. Since it’s mostly a too-many-calories thing I could burn more calories. I already bike twenty miles. I’m sure I could push it 20% harder and pass the lame rollerbladers. Other than that, I have to learn how to eat less when I’m anxious.
I love Wint-O-Green and Pep-O-Mint Lifesavers. When I’m writing I’ll grab twenty or so and just chew away during an article. These are not loaded with calories, but the idea of only having one seems preposterous. I’m a spaz with food. It’s amazing I’m not severely overweight. Thank God I was blessed with a fast metabolism. Also great hair. Decent chin.
Sorry – got lost in myself there. Yes, I write staring at a mirror so that every now and then I can look up from the computer and smile at myself. “Oh, you!” I say and then wink at myself.
Having a firey metabolism is fine when you’re eating a lot of food. It’s not so great for relationships. I’m constantly freaking out about everything. Just talk about anything. Today I went for fifteen minutes on how why people at Jessica’s office don’t use the dishwasher and keep cups and plates in the sink. I gave her my theory behind their psychological underpinnings and how it’s a power they wield over the boss. That deep down it’s a “screw you!” to the man.
Anyway, she politely listened for awhile and then was like, “Why are you getting so worked up about this?” The good news is that I probably burned twenty calories during that monologue. I had stormed around the house ranting.
Okay, I just weighed myself. The weight doesn’t matter. What does is that I’m at 22.9% bodyfat. Not good for a dude.
So, if I come off angry and more self-absorbed than usual in the upcoming weeks it’s because my body and mind are about to turn against me. Today was day one and I already want to get into a random street fight. You know, to burn calories. Also, beating people up will erase all the vagina-ey things said above.
Ooh, if I get into a street fight I need a videographer for posterity. Let’s make sure we pick out a scrawny homeless guy. This has to look good.
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
You sound like me. Last night I was all ” I have X number of days to lose the pounds before the conference.” The over anxious ranting? I think you may be onto something there. Why do you think Larry David is so thin?
Katjaneway says:
Well good luck!! You’re lucky to have such a fast metabolism. I suggest lots of protein. You may not have to get all Atkins’y, but more protein, less carbs means your body will turn to your fat to burn the weight off and not the carbs in your belly. Eating protein is hard for me. Usually, it’s more expensive, and you have to like, COOK it. lol Ugh. Too much work!
LavJey says:
Like you, I also have some serious problems with exercising any kind of portion control what so ever – what I found really helped me was the following programme, have a read, it’s really interesting! I’ve been doing it on and off (my metabolism is pretty decent so I don’t need to be too strict with it) for the last 2 years and I love it! http://www.fast-5.com/
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Okay Paris, this is getting creepy. I JUST started an eat-better plan coupled with the hardest daily workout known to man. Three days in and I’ve gained three pounds. I’m telling myself it’s muscle weight. Sometimes it sucks to be a girl. Anywho, it’s in anticipation for the wedding I am in the SAME weekend as the Non-Con. (That’s the only reason I’m not going. I know it was planned for the same weekend on purpose to keep me away.)It’s like we lead parallel lives. I’m a little spooked.
ViolaFury says:
Hey! I live in the ‘hood, V.M. Ybor with delivery pizza but I won’t go out the front door to get it remember? There’s bunches of scrawny homeless guys here! They sport around in skinny legged jeans, or those baggy plaid jammies, all gaily piss-stained. You got your pick! I’d be your videographer. That’s so mean of me. Great post, though.
Banana Stickers says:
Don’t count calories. Ever. You’ll drive yourself crazy.I stopped counting calories and simply cut out sugar/breads and increased my activity and wound up losing 100lbs. Seriously.Since you’re a dude, you could probably just add (if you don’t already) a strengthening/conditioning routine to your already awesome level of exercise and see a big difference. With a quickness.I wish you fifteen pounds of good luck
Ericamos says:
This comment, alone, will help you lose a pound, right? In any case, I’ve been on a fat percentage loss kick too. Since you’ve already got the cardio going on, I’m with everyone else on the muscle building suggestion. I hear that intaking some sort of protein within 30 minutes of a workout (your bike ride) will help increase your muscles, thus, eating your fat, so do that. Protein bars are my go-to low calorie/high protein snack. Also, maybe throw in some strength training in your self-conscious areas a couple days a week.
thebloggerincognito says:
i concur with other commenter who advised against counting calories. Adding more protein, eating carbs only from unprocessed sources (e.g. fruits and whole grains) are the way to go. And building muscle is great too, since it requires more calories for your body to maintain the muscle. If you can afford it, maybe find a CSCS (certified strength and conditioning specialist) to meet with you and give you super awesome exercises to help? Guarantee you’ll look like a hot beast by the time that conference rolls around.
Prof. Torg says:
Yes, guilting us into commenting. Great strategy. I eat pretty well all day and then I eat for an hour straight in the evening.