I’m Hosting a Dinner Party and Need To Clean The Condo

Bums are gonna look awesome in my sweater vests.

Here’s my thought…

How can I clean my place just enough not to let anyone know just how disgusting I live?

I’m a master at cutting corners when it comes to sanitation.  Nobody knows better how to kick things under beds, toss shit into closets and you pray are not opened, and use what magicians call misdirection.  A good example of misdirection is shining up the granite counter tops or waxing the hardwood, all while where the baseboards are caked in cat hair and dead skin cells.

Case in point – here is a photo of my guest bed.  Now, if I didn’t tell you otherwise, you would think I was a slob.  And I’m not really a slob.  Sure once in awhile I pee in the bathroom sink while shaving.  That isn’t a crime.  Hey, I swirl around the water to make sure it all goes down.  No, the clothes on the bed are a donation to the Salvation Army which has been sitting there for over a month.  Since I won’t be able to get there before the dinner party, it will all be tossed somewhere, probably under the bed.

Bums are gonna look awesome in my sweater vests.

The last thing I want to mention about my inability to keep up my condo is the guest bathroom.  I’m absolutely not kidding here, and I have no explanation, but…

toilet paper holder
I somehow lost the toilet paper holder thing.

I only have 1250 square feet.  It’s not like it’s stashed away in my basement storage like Charles Foster Kane.

If you don't understand the reference, just pretend you do.

I have spent exactly nine minutes looking around the place for the missing silver coated holder thing.  I swear to Allah that it rolled right out the door, down four flights of stairs, and onto the #81 bus heading west.  It’s gone.  And yes, I have a cat, but I’ve checked under the couch, two beds, and even the litterboxes.  Oh yeah, one cat, two litterboxes.  That’s class.

I will need to make a run to Bed Bath and Beyond to see if they sell holders.  God I hope so.  Or else I’m going to just put a roll on top of the toilet like a jerk.  It’s been that way for over a month, too.

At this very second I’m saying to myself, “If you don’t dust, everything will have the same appearance and people won’t be able to tell.  Unless they touch stuff.”

Haven’t decided yet.