In the past two days I got a few emails that made me laugh. The first was from a reader in Scotland. She told me she likes me because my “humour” is different from the Scots, and essentially way better.
But what about all the amazing Scottish comedians we worship? You know, um… well… hmm. Isn’t Craig Ferguson from Scotland? He’s sort of funny.
Okay, it’s a short list. I responded back with, “Thanks for reading!” and, “Nice to know that Scotland’s still a thing.”
The second email I received was from a woman from my own hometown. And she apparently had no idea I was from there until she saw it in a post. She had been reading the story where I pooped my pants and wrote this to me.
Peoria? I live in Peoria! And I used to live in Chicago. I found you through The Bloggess and I have to say, you’re quite hilarious. The best one was, um, three before this one. I’ve been drinking, but I’m pretty sure it involved…POOP! Yes, that’s right, you pooped your pants. Awesome. I once pooped at the bottom of Glen Oak Park because I was too lazy to drive up to the bathrooms. See? Everybody poops. Awesome blog.
Our high school was too poor to have their own tennis courts so we practiced and played all our matches at Glen Oak Park. Nice to know she was shitting there. Also, when I used to drink, reading wasn’t high on the to-do list after four tumblers of Evan Williams. Whatever happened to passing out to Married… With Children reruns?
I checked my Google Analytics account to see where my traffic comes from. In the past month, I’ve been visited by readers in 111 countries. Least visited on the list is Yemen. I got nothing funny to say about Yemen.
So, where are you from? Sound off, and let me know so I can determine if it’s a better or worse place than Chicago, IL.
RainwaterB says:
Salina, TX. Sounds like vagina.
RamblinGarden says:
I live near Johnson City, NY. I don’t know how funny we are here. Strange, yes. Funny, don’t know, unless you count dreaming about being attacked by zombie geese. Now that’s strange.
D.J. Paris says:
@RamblinGarden Had to Google where that is – definitely worse.
D.J. Paris says:
Anything TX is an instant worse.
devo says:
could you tweet that please…Ca is eating us and we therefore might not be able to eat soon I keep assuring all my adopted children that film may be more taxing but it pays more and money is not the devil. But if you have any influence please use it to slow California from eating Austin see what they do not tell you is Texas is larger than Austin but Austin is closer to San Fran when love was in the air.So when I say eatin us I am specifically referring to my little Valhalla. paradigm shifts are hard when they come this fast.. Any help is appreciated. Your friend in words devo
ReneeEM says:
Hi DJ. I’m fessing up to lurking on your blog for a couple weeks. Also found you through the Bloggess– but we actually went to high school together. So I’m from Peoria too. Which I guess is weird.
D.J. Paris says:
@ReneeEM We went to high school together? So, I’m guessing you’re either black, Asian, Jewish, or Indian since we had an abundance of those folks. Seriously, which Renee are you?
YoungmanBrown says:
I live in your attic.
There is no bathroom up here.
D.J. Paris says:
@YoungmanBrown Brilliant. I understand why you made Jimmy Fallon laugh.
Jessica_thereader says:
I live in Atlanta, GA, but my boyfriend’s parents live in Peoria. Small world, huh?
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader He sounds hot.,
apodd2012 says:
I live in San Antonio, TX but am from western PA. So I have an awesome combined accent that no one in either place can understand. Its awesome, y’all!
D.J. Paris says:
@apodd2012 And that river walk thing. Don’t forget the river walk thing!
Chicago Joe says:
You’ll never guess where I’m from–but anyway… Thought you might enjoy this Bob Newhart skit–Stop It! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw
D.J. Paris says:
@Chicago Joe Detroit?
DonGwinn says:
Nearly-beautiful downtown Virden, IL. We are most famous for being the site of a famous riot with no good guys, the Virden Mine Riot of 1898. We were a company town back then (I remember those days like they were those days) and the miners tried to unionize and go out on strike. This was in the era of labor relations that inspired one of the Rockefellers to observe that no mining concern could be well run without at least one Browning machine gun, so the company naturally hired a bunch of “detectives” to break up the strike armed only with their wits and a lot of firearms. They also recruited a train full of black replacement miners from Chicago (the only people they considered even more expendable than the angry, resentful mass of foreigners and hillbillies who’d gone out on strike. When the train came into town, there was a short (but lively) war between the miners and the “detectives” that probably made most of the unarmed replacements (or GODDAMN SCABS as the miners knew them) wonder whether they should have gone into politics or perhaps ditch-digging instead.
“Mother Jones” is buried in the miners’ cemetery in Mount Olive, about 40 miles away. She asked to be buried with the miners who fought in the VMR’98 (I think that was the Twitter tag they used–no hashtags in the 19th century, right?) but it turned out that the miners couldn’t bury their dead any closer than that because the mine company owned every bit of ground for miles around and wouldn’t allow the burials on its land.
So now you know the totally historical story of my little town, where there were no good guys. I mean, there were staunch defenders of socially-Darwinian monopoies, but they got pretty homicidal when it looked like labor costs might increase over time…. and there were staunch defenders of the common man and the brotherhood of workers everywhere, but they freaked the fuck out and went loud when they found out that The Company had sunk so low as to introduce black people to the equation. I guess you could probably call the unarmed black scab miners the good guys, if you squint. They didn’t accomplish anything, but they’re the only ones in the story who weren’t shooting people to death, so they’ve got that going for them. Yes, that makes sense. Those guys are the heroes of the great Virden Mine Riot of 1898. It’s settled. I feel better!
What are we talking about again?
D.J. Paris says:
@DonGwinn Don, I’m not sure what to say except a big thank you for the history lesson. Also, you should have just pointed me to Wikipedia and saved yourself 24 minutes. But thanks, seriously!
circustoybox says:
Honolulu, Hawaii.
yes, it’s part of America and it’s a state (some hot dog stand guy in NY didn’t know and thought it was some Asian country.)
It’s also super cold and rainy lately. But I figure my idea of freezing is everyone else’s bikini weather.
D.J. Paris says:
@circustoybox Too many Asians. (oh yeah I did!)
Sunburnt says:
NH
D.J. Paris says:
@Sunburnt Could you write any less?
Sunburnt says:
Lol I didn’t want to be superfluous. I live in New Hampshire, but I’m not a hobbit. Lots of farms, horses and nice people. Boston is 50 min away for me when I feel like being cosmopolitan. I’m originally a jerk from massachusetts. Better?
D.J. Paris says:
@Sunburnt Ha – New Hampshire. Have fun with your bong, hippie.
Sunburnt says:
How does this points system work!? I’m an overachiever.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sunburnt I really couldn’t tell you. You’d have to ask the fools over at @livefyre. Ha.
David_Walshie says:
Ontario, Canada.
Annnnd…. I PVR Craig Ferguson every night. Hey, gotta show some love for the Scots
D.J. Paris says:
@David_Walshie I have a bunch of Ontario readers, and I couldn’t find it on a blank map. I know where Toronto is – and I guess there’s other stuff up there, too.
nicole says:
Orillia, Ontario, Canada. – We Canadians always feel the need to list our country as well as the province…not believing that Americans will know the province of Ontario, sorry about that.
Also: the results are in, you can save yourself the trouble of needless determining, it’s most definitely worse than Chicago. We have nothing noteable except the highest teen pregnancy rate in Ontario…and you have The Big Bean!
D.J. Paris says:
Maybe I should fly up there. Give some of those yet pregnant teens a talkin’ too. Also, I’ll bring a bunch of wine coolers, since I hear they like that.
crystalwelches says:
@tfpHumorBlog Belleville Illinois….20 minutes from St. Louis.
D.J. Paris says:
@crystalwelches Ha – it was a blog post. Write it there! Is that the place with the big mustard bottle?
crystalwelches says:
@tfpHumorBlog LOL…that is in Collinsville and its a HUGE ketchup bottle! Close though! 🙂
crystalwelches says:
Well, you already know where I’m at…. It’s the big town of Belleville Illinois…okay, not that big or even great. I need to move! LOL
D.J. Paris says:
@crystalwelches I’ve heard of this place. It’s where the streets are paved with gold and the rivers are flush with wine. Right?
lcarilo says:
Ha! The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is a nightly must watch at our house. Thanks to DVRs, sometimes twice a day. 🙂
Jessica Ehlers (@Je55icaE) says:
Mendocino County, CA. Fort Bragg to be specific. It’s tiny and rural and very downtrodden since the trees were all cut down and the mill closed and the fishing has also dried up. Take heart, the weed industry is booming and though I think it’s a sham- people have legal dispensaries. When I smoked the stuff, we called it places we could score. Now they sell baked goods. It’s creepy and weird but it’s where I am from.
D.J. Paris says:
Jessica – never been to Mendocino county. Sounds terrible, though. Ha!
devo says:
Sorry. originally from East Texas left asap ended up in Austin but home is actually the theater….only place I can get good sleep….that is actually a complement. Think about it home is where you are most comfortable right…..when you are comforted you can rest…….
tas71403 says:
Anacoco, LA. Boring !
D.J. Paris says:
Only one year late. And yes, boring!
devo says:
so I need to comment again although admittly I have run out of banter because I need to unsubscribe to follow up comments sorry
D.J. Paris says:
Run back into more banter!
rossmurray1 says:
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada but almost Vermont.
D.J. Paris says:
Almost…
Ha – too easy.
Jenn says:
Chandler, AZ (a suburb of Phoenix): Where the outside temp in winter is 70 degrees. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Been to Chandler! And stop bragging about the winter weather! 🙂
Macha says:
U r from Preoria? I’m from Pretoria in South Africa 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
I’m from Peoria, IL – but maybe I’ll go to Pretoria!
Macha says:
…and I just have to read the story about poop. Not that I’m fond of poop, but I’m fond of idiots who poop their pants…not that u r an idiot LOL
D.J. Paris says:
No, I’m an idiot. Ha!
Stuck_Mom says:
I’m from Boston! And I live there…or at least, that’s where anyone from Massachusetts says they live, because nothing else is pronounced the way it looks. (Example: Gloucester is Gloss-ter, Worcester is Wustah, South Boston is Southie, and Woburn is Wubin.) I found you because for some unknowable reason (I’m not that funny) you started following me, and I thought hey, this guy is pretty funny, and followed you back. (This all sounds kind of stalkerish, but then I’m fairly new to Twitter.)
D.J. Paris says:
I’ve been to Worcester! And stop stalking me!
Crazy Mama says:
Canada’s Capital 😉
Moviespeoriail.Com says:
Oh snap, thank you very much for posting this! It is gonna help me when I am thinking about going to Showplace Pekin 14 in Peoria! I am from Calgary so I am not familiar with Peoria. Next time I see my family will be so much better! Super Outstanding!