I’m Going To Share My Shame With You Fools

Bad Dollar
My sister needs to take better care of her money. The mortgage lender gave me a hard time accepting these bills. Dicks.

My sister flew in from NYC and we drove down this evening from Chicago to Peoria. During the trip we talked about our therapists. I didn’t know she was in analysis (I wish people used that term) and we compared notes. Turns out we have one similar issue.

Perfectionism. She and I are both super-critical of others. No shocker that we expect just a little bit better  of ourselves at all times. What this has done is taught a self-shaming process where we are never quite happy with the way things are.

I’d like to break in to say that we’re both joyous, successful, and quite lovely people. Our lives are good.

Okay, now back to the truth. We will tear you down with mean-spirited vitriol if we catch you doing something idiotic. We make fun of you. We feel better than you.

As we talked we understood this is an inability to face our own imperfection, and since our shame is so powerful we must direct it at others. Yes, I’m looking your way. Your hair is stupid! Stupid!

We admitted that deep at heart we feel less than others. We’re the ones who are so flawed and imperfect. We’re angry at ourselves for not doing better. In short, we’re ashamed of who we are.

So, in the interest of the blog, I am about to share some of my shame.

Secrets are what bind to shame (hey, somebody grab that quote and attribute that to me!). Ahem.

I had to borrow money from my sister earlier this year.

I am totally ashamed of this. I was making a lot less money and for the first time in my life I was worried about paying the mortgage. Having to ask for money was awful because I had no compassion for my situation. I just thought of myself as a fuck-up. The truth is that I’m not, but having to admit that I didn’t save properly was painful.

So, I always pretended I was doing great financially. It was weird, too, because my mom passed down a family car (which is a luxury car) and that’s probably the only way I could have owned a car. So I now drive around in a car I could never afford.

I’m about to pay my sister back and I’m fine now, but I’m still really ashamed. I know in no way this story is unique, and plenty of people have struggled financially. That’s not what I’m talking about. I couldn’t pay my bills because I mismanaged my funds and hadn’t set a budget.

I’m so embarrassed as I feel this falls under the header of “should have known better.” And it does. BUT – I haven’t the ability to look at myself with compassion. I had a marriage end and not by my choice. I was laid off from a job where I was highly compensated and praised. I started a few unsuccessful businesses.

That’s a lot of heavy shit for a year.

But that’s my shame. I’ve never told anyone. Well, my girlfriend. And the dog. I told her too.

(Oh, and I pee in the kitchen sink. Like probably 10x a week. No joke.)

Bad Dollar
My sister needs to take better care of her money. The mortgage lender gave me a hard time accepting these bills. Dicks.

photo credit: EricGjerde via photo pin cc

24 thoughts on “I’m Going To Share My Shame With You Fools”

  1. lgreathead says:

    It is okay to ask for help sometimes. We all do it. You are still awesome,TFP.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      lgreathead  I really am. Like the most awesome dude ever. EVER!(oops, overcompensating…)

  2. thebloggerincognito says:

    The secrets that bind to shame statement…I’ve been looking for a good way to phrase that.   Yours is a great way:)

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      thebloggerincognito  I’m pretty damned smart! Ha.

  3. pdk117 says:

    I don’t know what to say other then bravo for peeing in the sink. @pdk117

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      pdk117  It really is liberating. I love it!

  4. dadblunders says:

    You know asking for help is okay. There is truly shame in it. I honestly believe the only shame is when we are true proud not to ask for help.  Now for your other issue peeing in the kitchen sink…I do hope you at least clear out the dishes first and don’t use that as your own version of ammonia. If you truly need ammonia I might be able to spare you a bottle….  Aaron 🙂

  5. Katjaneway says:

    You need to chalk it up to a learning experience. I think there’s some kind of saying that says do it once and its a mistake but do it twice and you’re  stupid, only much nicer sounding lol. Or like Bob Ross says “we don’t make mistakes, we have happy accidents.” In my time of learning to be a proper adult, I’ve got through a number of things that I had to figure out on my own, and learn as experience.  If you don’t make the mistake, you will never learn. That may be an annoying saying, but it’s very much true.

  6. Natalie the Singingfool says:

    So you and I have more in common than I thought…I too am a very serious critic of myself. I won’t go into my crippling fear of failure here, but oh, it’s there. Thanks for being real, dude.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Natalie the Singingfool  Thanks for being a great reader. Seriously. Means a lot!

  7. inthemomlight says:

    Perfectionism is a bitch… I’ve been trying to escape it for awhile.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      inthemomlight  Oh, I’ve met you. You’re imperfect. Like BIG TIME.

      1. inthemomlight says:

        tfpHumorBlog  Yes, yes, it has taken me a long time to get to that place.  It’s really a lot of work for me to unperfect myself.

  8. GDRPempress says:

    I will turn back time and go back to whence I didn’t just see that graphic: you peeing in the sink.Better now: you, me, CAYA party. Now that’s a charming non-sink peeing man. (oh, wait. Not there. You DID not do it there…)

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      GDRPempress  The best thing about BlogHer was since there were only 17 guys, there was never ANYONE in the bathroom – I used every stall even though I only would do a #1, just because I could.I once started peeing and ran the entire length of the urinals just for a goof. I probably should have not done that.

      1. pdk117 says:

        tfpHumorBlog  GDRPempress I wish I could have been there to see that one.

  9. MarieLoerzel says:

    Holy crap, I just wrote about the same thing yesterday.  My perfectionism and shame.  I’m pretty sure you’re copying my  brilliantly, but under-read blog.  Oh, no you’re not.  I’m just going to post the link so I can  be ashamed of myself for doing so…..http://rockthekasbahafrica.blogspot.com/2012/08/stripped.html

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      thebloggerincognito  I love it so much I have to consciously NOT do it at work, because I’m so wired up to do it all the time.I DON’T do it at work, by the way.

      1. thebloggerincognito says:

        tfpHumorBlog  thebloggerincognito Of *course* you didn’t…:)

  10. Kim says:

    It is unbelievable how much I can relate to this post. Except for the peeing in the sink thing, that’s just gross! It’s funny how it’s easier to admit to peeing in the sink than to admit you screwed up your finances – but that’s how it would be for me too! I just started reading your blog and I am greatly amused but this one really touched home, thank you for sharing.

  11. Kate says:

    That is what family is for! And we all need a hand now and then… okay, those are my cliches for you 🙂 Thanks for sharing your shame!

  12. Chris says:

    Thanks DJ. I just colored my hair today, then fell asleep once I rinsed it out and it air dried and I woke up and it’s all going to the left (yes, a picture can be provided. IF you say PLEASE!) So yeah, my hair looks stupid!!! I laughed so hard my face hurts!

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