I Wrote What You Told Me (Yep, Again)

It’s that time once every few weeks where I realize I have nothing to write about and pimp out my readers for some ideas. Here’s what you suggested

• 220221whtever  Doritos

Doritos are the Skittles of the chip world. The first twenty six are delicious. The twenty seventh one will make you keel over. Hard. And when I grew up there were only two kinds, the Nacho Cheesier and the Cool Ranch. Two was enough. Sometimes you wanted tang (insert bad joke here) and sometimes you wanted cheese. They were equally good and equally destroyed your breath. Also, you can’t read eating these chips. You will destroy that leatherbound version of Moby Dick that, like me, you have on your bookshelf to impress people. So who cares I don’t know who Queequeg is? You don’t either.

• chubachups  Penguins

Let’s face it – penguins are the best and only reason to go to the aquarium or zoo. To watch them waddle, run, dive in the water and show their bellies is awesome. Plus, they sleep standing up and their necks go into their bodies. It’s fantastic. However, and this is gross, the best is when a penguin bends over facing the glass where you’re standing, and shoots a stream of white waste right at you. I’ve seen it several times and you instinctively jump. They must get a good laugh on that one.

• NewPairOfGenes  Lay away pay option for Chicago loop parking meters.

Chicago privatized their parking meters a few years ago and the prices have risen dramatically. I was in the Gold Coast this morning getting my hair cut and I paid $6 to park on the street for sixty minutes. It’s expensive. Here’s an idea to make the whole thing more enjoyable. This is dumb but I think it would work. There should be a little simple slot machine where each time you park, you push a button and it runs. If you win you get $20 credit back to your card. Like one in a thousand wins or something reasonable. At least then you’d feel a little hopeful each time you’re shelling out $25 for two hours of parking in the city.

• Melendora    the trolls that live under my bed

Okay, first those aren’t trolls, they’re dust mites. You need a decent carpet shampoo and a Dyson. But, I always said there are trolls who steal in the middle of the night. Cigarettes, beers, guitar picks,  barrettes, and twenty dollar bills are all lifted while you snooze. The only chance to keep these thieves at bay is to pee around your bed in a circle. The trolls respect this boundary and will leave to find habitation at another home. Tonight you must pee on the floor around the bed. Please do this now. ProTip – not a great idea to eat asparagus beforehand.

• LeslieMueller Brownies vs. Cupcakes

Cupcakes and here’s why. Well, for one I just picked up a whole tray of them today in the grocery store. But I did briefly consider the brownie cookies that were available. And since we’re only talking about the pastry one does not get to include supplemental treats like milk or ice cream. These make brownies the clear winner. Here’s how you know brownies aren’t all that – there are no brownie stores. There are a ton of cupcake hangouts. Brownies are a commitment. You sit down with a brownie and you’ve got the next thirty minutes booked. A cupcake only commands four minutes max. Also brownies get nasty in pans after a few days. Oh, and walnuts. Brownies are often ruined with nuts. Enough said.

• OldDogNewTits  High thread-count bed sheets

Here’s my philosophy on buying linens and televisions. Go to the store and do some quick comparison. Determine whether the Egyptian silk 1300 count is really so much better than that cotton stuff in the bargain TJ Maxx bin. Plasma vs. LCD? Don’t kill yourself with the decision because three days after buying and it just becomes your bedsheets and television. You’re not comparing after purchasing. You won’t know the picture sucks on your rear-projection until you go over to your buddy’s house who has the 90″ 3-D. So, stop leaving the house. The only way you’ll know if your thread-count sucks is if you’re cheating on your partner and visiting the Heavenly beds at the Westin. Stop that, too.