I’m not proud of this. But thirty minutes ago, I nearly punched my cat.
I definitely have anger issues. When something goes wrong in certain ways, I react with a fight-or-flight mentality. I remember once during Hell Week at my fraternity, after only fifty minutes of sleep the first night, some members came into the place I was sleeping and banged on pots and pans. I jumped up (they told me), and I took a fighting stance as if I was ready to attack. I was asleep and didn’t remember.
The good news is that I never have been in a real fight. I’m not afraid of being in a fight, but I don’t seem to attract those situations. I’m a pretty nice guy, and I don’t seem to piss people off in that way.
My cat peed on my bed again today. I only know because I was laying down in my bed on the phone, just like a 13 year old girl.
I realized I was laying in cat urine. Fresh.
Now, I’ve talked about this situation before, and how I started giving my cat Prozac, which is the ONLY thing that seems to work. But after a while she stopped taking it, and it became nearly impossible to administer.
Anyway, I got so angry and grabbed her (all the while yelling choice explitives which echoed through my headset in my girlfriend’s eas) and took her into the kitchen to force a pill down her throat.
I was so incredibly livid that had she struggled or tried to scratch me, I would have smacked her. I’m embarrassed to say this, but it’s true. In that moment I hated my cat and wanted to hurt her.
After I settled down, I realized that part of this was about me seeing myself in the cat’s imperfection. What I mean is that somehow this cat pee is indicative of me not being happier with my own position in life. I can yell and scream at the cat, because she’s an easy target. But I’m really screaming at myself.
I have parts of my life that I hate. I’m sure we all do. But when I get in those moods, no gratitude list can get me out of the funk. I think I’m being totally logical and accurate in the way I judge myself. The problem is this – I probably am totally accurate, but I’m also totally unfair. I give myself no slack, and therefore, I give my cat no slack.
She probably has a weird medical condition or a UTI or whatever. She’s a good cat. She just isn’t perfect. I need to remember that I am imperfect, too.