I Got My First Hate Mail!

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So yesterday my cat made peepers on my comforter and I noticed while I was laying it in.  And I nearly beat her silly.

Today, on my way to work, someone posted this…

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First of all, the George Zimmerman reference – how topical!  I applaud his ability to liken me to someone who shot and killed a teenager based most likely on prejudice.  Actually, now that I’m thinking about it –  if I did hit the cat, that would probably kill her.  Okay, critic, you win this round!

A few things funny about this guy’s post.  First, he clearly has read at least two of my articles.  And since the average commenter reads about ten stories before they comment, odds are that he’s a fan.  Or somebody who hates me and still reads.

Or… somebody who liked me but now hates me.  So many scenarios!  I’m totally fascinated.

Second, he’s actually trying to be helpful.  First he calls me an a-hole, which you learn in debate club is sort of not suggested.  But he does offer practical solutions.  So I applaud his willingness to help.  He’s nutty, but nutty-helpful.

Then, out of nowhere he sent me a pretty inappropriate tweet.  Not only does he follow the blog on Facebook, he follows me on Twitter.  He tweeted something pretty nasty that bordered on obsessive.  I had to block him.

My blogging friends were laughing about how they, too, receive hate mail from goofballs.  The Napkin Dad, Marty Coleman, told me that just yesterday he received some hate mail for his thought that Jesus might have been imperfect.  Oh no he di-int!

But as an epilogue to the story, no I did not beat my cat.  I did watch two episodes of My Cat From Hell and have started to exercise my cat’s prey instinct with DaBird, that dude on the show’s favorite toy.  We’ll see what happens.

Today when I got home, even though she slept with me last night, I felt like I needed to make amends.  I took a nap and she slept on my chest for an hour.  We’re best pals again.

Until she pees on the comforter again.  Then, the little shit is getting kicked square in the cat vagina.

Written entirely at the laundromat while waiting for my comforter to be cleaned, since the washing machine one in my condo isn’t big enough.  There’s lots of scary people here.

74 thoughts on “I Got My First Hate Mail!”

  1. Tiff Stauffer says:

    Congratulations on your first hate-mail!   My first hate mail was on a simple, innocent post an nursing my sweet baby.   Apparently, choosing to not give a five month old kid a boob at two am made me a horrible, selfish mother and I was raising a future hardened criminal who would be a drain on society with all the taxpayers paying for his prison time.
     
    In other societies, punching the cat would have been a quick and humane way to kill him.   Then you could have had a nice stir-fry for dinner, and a very, very small fur throw for the couch.   Just sayin’.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @Tiff Stauffer  First of all, at 2am, that’s YOUR time.  He’ll make it through the night.  You should be in deep REM dreaming about the quarterback that never asked you to prom.  Oh, but yes, you are selfish.  And he’ll probably grow up gay.

      1. Tiff Stauffer says:

         @delfinparis That comment made me literally lol.   Thanks for the support.     🙂   That was my fourth child in four years, so no dreams of quarterbacks(I fall into the ‘happily married mom’ reader category), but I am still dreaming of having the magical, elusive ability to pee alone.   I guess that’s just further proof of my selfishness, huh? 😉

        1. D.J. Paris says:

           @Tiff Stauffer  I wouldn’t think that anyone cares to see you pee.  At least within myself I know this to be true.  Lock the door.

    2. SunnyD55 says:

      You are an asshole. I can’t believe this was your first hate mail. You beat your cat? How intelligent of you. Did you ever think that the cat might be ill? YOU DON’T BEAT ANIMALS. If you can’t treat the cat with kindness, give it to someone who will. You make me sick.

  2. Katjaneway says:

    Please tell me you’re watching that show cuzza my comment! That’d be so cool! (this is one of those times where honesty may need not apply LOL) No though, that’s cool. I really like that show a lot. I thought I’d try to figure out why my cat likes to scratch the side of the bed while we’re asleep sometimes, and I’ve learned that Sammy is no where near the messed up wacko cats that are on his show lol Be careful, though.  Laundromats can be an unforgiving place…  

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @Katjaneway  You reinforced my desire to watch the show.  A woman at work first suggested it.  However… she’s a good cat.  I love how many people think that medicating her is somehow an injustice, when she may have just been born with a goofy brain.  It happens. Ha.

      1. Katjaneway says:

         @delfinparis  It’s not an injustice per se. I think that it’s bad that vet’s go straight to meds first. A lot like doctors do. I think meds should be the last resort, after you attempt to fix the  problem  behaviorally.    

        1. D.J. Paris says:

           @Katjaneway  Oh totally.  And I LOVE meds, but the issue it’s near impossible to get her to take the pill. My ex-wife was a vet, so we tried everything behaviorally. This Cat From Hell guy is solid and this just might work!

        2. Katjaneway says:

           @delfinparis  Well I’m rootin for ya. I had previously tried just about everything to get Sammy to stop scratching the side of our bed. I tried a heavy duty garlic spray (seen at the pet shop) and even added more garlic. I tried double-sided sticky tape in the area. I’ve tried this expensive  pheromone  wall plug in, that had gone literally 2 feet away from where he scratched, and nothing. The  silicone  nail things work, but they’re a pain to put on – Sammy doesn’t like them and will try to chew them off. Finally, the solution happened after our roommate moved out and we were allowed to leave out bedroom door open at night. It’s called “make sure I have food and let me go in and out”. Problem solved lol Sometimes he scratches – rarely – I think just because he wants our attention.  
          And btw, isn’t “Jackson Galaxy” an epic handle for the guy? lol

  3. cinemasugar says:

    Wow.   That does go from generally insulting, to trying to offer suggestions riddled with insults, to specifically personally insulting.   What an anger ball.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @cinemasugar  He’s complicated and I love him because he’s mine.

      1. Katjaneway says:

         @delfinparis    @cinemasugar  LOL

  4. Sonja Rois says:

    You, sir, have arrived!  I’m still waiting for my first hate-mail.
     
    I can’t help but laugh at this because I seem to remember, some blogs back, where you discuss going through all those things (well, some of them) before taking the cat to the vet and having it checked.  I’m guessing pissed-off reader must have missed that.  Well, that and the part where you said you felt like punching your cat.  And didn’t.
     
    I have had times where not only have I felt like kicking the dog, but smacking the kid too!  It happens.  We all get to that P.O.ed point sometimes.  It’s natural.  It becomes a problem when we ACT on that feeling.  (Let the hate-comments commence. LOL)

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @Sonja Rois  Yeah, there are some crazy blog readers out there.  Present company excluded.

      1. Sonja Rois says:

         @delfinparis  Oh, I’m not sure I would exclude me in the crazy  category, but thanks for thinking so.  XD

        1. D.J. Paris says:

           @Sonja Rois   Yeah, to be honest, you’re in the group.  🙂

  5. LianneMarieB says:

    First time reader here that followed you back on Twitter and had to click through to check out your blog, as a fellow blogger and woman. As it turns out curiosity doesn’t kill the cat but seemingly gets it punched in the face. GOOD JOB! Haha!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @LianneMarieB  Glad you could liken me to a dude who beats women about the face.  Apt metaphor.  Ha.

  6. Mickey1912 says:

    @tfpHumorBlog You’ve arrived!!!!

  7. Sunburnt says:

    Awwwwww! Congrats on getting my mail from your hater.

    I love how he/she gives you cat advice. How thoughtful.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @Sunburnt  Oh well, somebody not mentally stable who writes weird stuff online?  Not an internet first.  Ha.

  8. Sunburnt says:

    Dammit. Not “my” mail, stupid autocorrect! LOL

  9. CrazyTragicAlmostMagic says:

    I throw things at mine. Usually their soft toys. Or socks. A koosh ball that they fear. Seriously, they see me pick it up and they run in the opposite direction. What a bunch of pussys.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @CrazyTragicAlmostMagic  Purr-fect!  

  10. IntricateKnot says:

    I’m experiencing a mix of emotions here…horror/concern (he did say “nearly” beat his cat, right?), relief (okay, I just checked your previous post and see that yes, it was “nearly” phew!),  fascination (someone posted that nasty note on his fb page and he’s analyzing it…interesting), admiration (someone posted that nasty note on his fb page and he’s analyzing it and not punching someone out), and finally, amusement. You don’t just think you’re funny, dude, in fact, you’re hilarious. Thanks for the laughter!  
     

    1. D.J. Paris says:

       @IntricateKnot  Thanks for your kind words!  Now, never again think this much about one of my posts.  It’s a waste of your time.

  11. John_C says:

    @tfpHumorBlog If you’re making everybody happy all of the time you’re not doing your job. Feel the love. 🙂

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @John_C I do appreciate his moxie. We need to bring that word back. It’s been too long, goddammit!

  12. D.J. Paris says:

    @StormnetMedia2k Thanks SM! And, my ex was a vet. I’m actually very sweet to my pets 🙂 But I was pretty mad – ha.

    1. StormnetMedia2k says:

      @tfpHumorBlog I had a little stinker named “Pumpkin” , did the same thing. After much work, had to get rid of him, just never figured it out

      1. D.J. Paris says:

        @StormnetMedia2k You should have shaming. Shaming works wonders. Ha.

    2. StormnetMedia2k says:

      @tfpHumorBlog Every cat needs a tap now and then. My favorite was a light pillow. All I had to do was raise it and off he went!

      1. D.J. Paris says:

        @StormnetMedia2k Hey, how can I reply to your comment on my story? I didn’t install the Triberr comment plugin on my site.

  13. Preschoolofrock says:

    @kdwald haha… congrats!

    1. kdwald says:

      @Preschoolofrock Thanks! But it wasn’t mine – I was retweeting another post!

      1. Preschoolofrock says:

        @kdwald oh.. well then.. congrats on the retweet… ?

  14. Jen says:

    Try the cat Prozac-like calming collars? They’re on Amazon. My cat has the same issues and–fingers crossed–it’s working!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Really?  I’m buying one, Jenners!  If it doesn’t work, I’m sending you an invoice.

  15. MicalMoser says:

    @kdwald @tfpHumorBlog Any mail is good mail!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      This is true – I’m a sucker for attention. @micalmoser: @kdwald Any mail is good mail!

  16. staceyolivia912 says:

    @tfpHumorBlog Hate mail = best publicity EVER!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Well, maybe not the BEST EVER. Would prefer a Pulitzer. @staceyolivia912: @tfpHumorBlog Hate mail = best publicity EVER!

  17. sleepdeprived1 says:

    @tfpHumorBlog I just laughed for 5 minutes straight. That was spectacular–especially your response on FB. Well done!

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @sleepdeprived1 Thanks. Bottom line – I heart attention.

  18. LaHeisenberg says:

    @tfpHumorBlog That’s one of the goals isn’t it?

  19. macronikki says:

    @tfpHumorBlog congratulations. hopefully it’s not the last.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @macronikki Well, if you cared enough to write me hate-mail, it wouldn’t be!

      1. macronikki says:

        @tfpHumorBlog I would never! But… I might if you write something about how we should all be vegan.

  20. Sewtropolis says:

    @tfpHumorBlog hate mail from the Cat Whisperer! Nice!!! Unless he’s a vet, his intimate knowledge on cat behavior is creepy

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @Sewtropolis What, a cat guy being creepy? Never! Oh wait – always.

  21. sivrap says:

    @tfpHumorBlog this made me laugh, well done on your first hate mail, you’re in the big leagues now….

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @sivrap I am very excited. Please tell your friends to contribute – should I call them all c-words? Just trying to get more mail.

  22. ErinHShea says:

    @tfpHumorBlog: & I thought I was pissy when you said I must have a mental disorder because I prefer the “lady” wings over the “male” ones

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @ErinHShea I wish I could remember that, but, my memory is poor. How is that mental disorder? Did you get the meds?

  23. Sonja Rois says:

    After years of vet bills and fighting (not literally) with the cat to try to get it to stop peeing on, well, EVERYTHING, I just found out my mom’s vet decided to put the cat on…wait for it…Prozac!  I thought of you  immediately  and reassured my mom that her cat is not the only one to be prescribed this medication.  I just wanted to share so that you know there are other insane cats out there roaming the world leaving their yellow trails behind and being doped up because of it.

    1. Katjaneway says:

       @Sonja Rois  it’s a possibility that the cat feels threatened for its territory and is marking the  perimeter. Does it pee near windows? Is he/she allowed to roam outside at all? There might be neighbor cats, or feral cats that your mom doesn’t know about. Jackson Galaxy knows his stuff. Of course, I don’t know anything about your mom’s cat, but thought I could plant the idea.

      1. Sonja Rois says:

         @Katjaneway  My mom’s cat is a feral cat.  No he pees mostly anywhere he can.  Windows don’t seem to matter.  Shoes, coats, carpet, beds, toys…you name it.  He doesn’t go outside, but he chooses it that way.  No one forces him to stay in, but they also don’t make him go outside.  I actually have stood with the door wide open and he’s having none of it.  We just figure he’s part of the family and that’s one of his quirks.  Well, that and the fact that he’s evil.  That just makes him fit in with us though.  LOL

        1. Katjaneway says:

           @Sonja Rois  Lol well a lot of indoor cats are scared of going outside, unless they’re inquisitive kittens. My cat pretty much fears the outdoors, and I’m fine with that. I’d never want him to go outside.  But just because the cat doesn’t go out, doesn’t mean he can’t smell other cats and their markings from the window etc. But yeah, I’m no Jackson Galaxy, so I won’t say any more lol

        2. Sonja Rois says:

           @Katjaneway  That’s ok, I don’t mind the  discussion.  We have just come to terms with the fact that the cat is retarded and part of the family.  XD

  24. ViolaFury says:

    You just got the big WELCOME TO FB! Where no one is too stupid or too crazy to call you on anything. I once went on a Romney Rant and a woman I had worked with in a “virtual office” 2 years prior, told me to “grow up and act professional.” Okay, gee, I didn’t realize all those stupid cat pictures, spam, and dumb political rants, including my own were the equivalent of a business office. Quick, where’s my suit and salary!?! There went that friend. I find that with a few exceptions, FB can be a bit intolerant and at times, the kooks follow you to Twitter, which is like a 24-hour cocktail party. When an event is happening, that can be wildly entertaining. I digress. This haterz Engrish was bad, as well. I liked his ambiguous use of “a owner.” It should have read “a owner of an cat.” Just to balance things out. If he follows you home, have him picked up by the Dog Pound. Good post.@ViolaFury

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @ViolaFury    @ViolaFury  “haterz Engrish” – love all of this.

  25. ViolaFury says:

    I love the fact too, that we spend all of this time and effort caring for and fretting over our pets. Yet, the yahoos who send hate mail to dj has thrown him into his hate-stew along with the real animal Himmlers out there. Gah. Now, I have real anger issues. I need a prozac-like calming collar! Seriously, it’s mind-boggling, what we do for our pampered little guys and gals.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @ViolaFury  Well, when people say mean things they’re just responding to their own shit. They deserved to be shamed for this, however. We must shame them! Ha.

  26. D.J. Paris says:

    @Sonja Rois  I’ve done Prozac. It’s awesome but she hates me squirting it into her mouth. Makes her run from me! Any ideas?

  27. D.J. Paris says:

    @Sonja Rois    @Katjaneway  You’re not wrong. I have a “slow” uncle named Dave. Well, he’s not so much “slow” as a “jerk.” Okay, I don’t have an uncle named Dave. I just wanted to fit in.

  28. D.J. Paris says:

    @cinemasugar  Well, some poor lady is going  to marry this man. I hope she has a lot of  Valium.

  29. Pin Snarker says:

    It WOULD be a crazy cat lady (er, man) to leave you your first negative comment.  Congrats!  I still haven’t had my first Hater.  Sigh…

  30. ViolaFury says:

    @Me either… not sure how I would react, with the Asperger Syndrome and all, so it’s probably a good thing.

  31. FaceMeetsPalm says:

    Oh my god. I about died. I can’t wait to get my first hate mail now.

    As for the cat issue, I completely understand the anger. I pet-sit my brother’s puppy when he goes to work, and often, the little guy naps in my bed. Once, I found nibble holes in the quilt my grandma made me not long ago, and it was only internet-ranting that kept me from telling my brother I wouldn’t pet-sit again, even though I absolutely adore the little shit.

  32. best riding mowers 2014 says:

    I seldom leave a response, however i did some searching and wound up here I Got My First Hate Mail!.
    And I do have a couple of questions for you if it’s allright.
    Could it be simply me or does it look like some of
    these responses come across like they are coming from brain dead visitors?
    😛 And, if you are writing on other online sites, I would like
    to follow anything fresh you have to post. Could you make a list of all
    of all your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

  33. Linda Roy (elleroy was here) says:

    Haters gonna hate. What is this guy, the cat litter police? Congrats though. As we all know, hate mail means you rock.

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