One of the questions I am asked regularly is…
Do you still talk with your ex-wife?
The answer is yes.
Since I’m in a ridiculous number of support groups and therapy, I’ve had a year point five to process a lot of the anger and sadness that comes with divorce. Sure it still pops up once in awhile, and I feel like crying (sometimes I do) or screaming choice expletives at an invisible version of her (I do this too). That’s normal, from what I’m told.
However…
My mind is always on humor mode. During the day, I probably work up 10-20 one-liners or ideas for stories. I have been doing that ever since I was little. I’m wired up to find the funny. Not sure if you would agree I always find it, but, screw you! You dress like a bozo and we all laugh at you.
Many jokes get rejected (probably 60%) before they ever make their way onto my Twitter feed or this blog.
For example yesterday I thought:
I wish I had come up with the “Coexist” bumper sticker, if for no other reason than to make a shitload of money exploiting intolerance.
Somewhat clever, but not particularly funny. Rejected. (and yes, I understand the incongruence of posting it here)
Much of my humor comes from writing songs and jokes about my cat and dog, and my ex-wife’s two cats, one of which lived with me for four years. Her other cat, Shitty Kitty (yes, that’s the real name), I haven’t met, but only has one eye for some reason or another. I think my ex-wife performed the surgery.
A one-eyed cat inherently contains a wealth of joking-around material.
Just yesterday I texted my ex-wife:
Are you familiar with Shitty’s favorite restaurant? Argggh-by’s!
Then to continue the pirate theme:
Do you know who Shitty Kitty’s natural enemies are? Scurvy dogs!
I’m particularly proud of that one.
She texted back her own joke. It was horribly racist, so I won’t repeat it. Take that Albanians!
(Obviously she did not text back something racist. She’s very tolerant. Even has a “Coexist” bumper sticker on her Prius.)
Now, my ex-wife and I don’t really ever speak on the phone. Sure, once in awhile when I a vet question or to sing a song I wrote about the dog. We don’t have long meaningful conversations as it wouldn’t be appropriate. We’re both moving on.
But what am I supposed to do – not text or call a joke over? Let it go to waste?
So, is it healthy? I don’t know. I just like making people laugh. Even people that leave.
Sonja Rois says:
I still talk to my ex-husband. Like you it’s mostly done by text, but from time to time I will call. We have a kid together and when we first seperated we kept things polite and postive for her sake. But somewhere in there we discovered, we do actually get along. We still joke with each other and about 50% of the time it has nothing to do with our daughter. I also text and speak to his new wife. And every now and then I will even go to bbq’s at their house in the summer or hang out to have a cup of coffee when picking up or dropping off my daughter.You are right. From time to time it still hurts. If I said I didn’t have imaginary arguements with him where I express my hurt and anger over the whole divorce, I would be lying. I don’t know about you but for me it is how I process and deal with those feelings without damaging the relationship I do have with him.Thanks for once again sharing. It’s good to hear that you and your ex can still have some kind of relationship.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sonja Rois This is very encouraging, and I’m so glad you’re a reader, SR!
therealbirdman says:
I have no contact with my ex. It’s just better that way. I don’t really ever have any imaginary contact either, it just fizzled out into not giving a shit by either of us. I’m with someone who makes me the happiest mofo in the world, and that’s all I care about now. Cheers
D.J. Paris says:
@therealbirdman Great work! I’m with somebody fantastic too, and I’m super excited about it.
Lollylollygirl says:
“but what am I supposed to do – not text or call a joke over? Let it go to waste? So, is it healthy? I don’t know. I just like making people laugh. Even people that leave.” …..this is my first time reading your blog (which has great content)…but from the few stories I’ve read, it seems like you actually have a gf you could share these jokes with (unless she doesn’t get your sense of humor) instead of always going to your ex.
I was doing a similar thing with my ex all the time and my therapist totally called me out. He said I was trying to get affirmation that I was still worthwhile to the person who left me. I think he was right! Based on what I read, I think you might be doing the same thing. I ruined my most recent relationship pulling that all the time and it took my therapist pointing out this behavior before I realized how I was culpable. It was hard to let go, it took some real work, but I’m better for it and more ready to give myself to something new.
I’ll definitely keep reading!
D.J. Paris says:
@Lollylollygirl Wait, now I have to share intimacy, romance, trust, love AND jokes with my girlfriend? No deal!
Lollylollygirl says:
@delfinparis I think if you’d rather share jokes with your ex-wife than your current girlfriend, you have a problem in your current relationship. Holding on to intimacy with your ex (unless you are trying to get back together) is only prolonging the healing process. And it a little unfair to GF to have to share your intimacy with your ex….dontcha think?
D.J. Paris says:
@Lollylollygirl I wouldn’t rather do that, but it happens – my mind makes up jokes, and sometimes they relate to my ex-wife. It’s just old patterns. I’m sharing plenty with the girlfriend, like the time I got into a really kick-ass knife fight with a Mexican and then the police came and I totally ran away and nobody ever found out who cut up Julio. Well, I guess both you and her know now.
Seriously, thank you for the advice, and I really appreciate your honesty and readership. Stick around!
Sunburnt says:
Dude, I text my ex… We always talk. It’s healthy if the relationship is healthy.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sunburnt Good to get some validation! (and don’t call me dude)
KarolineRiskowski says:
My ex husband and I are still good friends, but we’ve had 6 years to work things out.
D.J. Paris says:
@KarolineRiskowski Yeah – takes time. My thing is, I need to stop going to her for attention – even thought that’s not consciously what I’m doing.
PluckingDaisy says:
Scurvy Dogs…Ha! Good one! My favorite bumper sticker Ever was on a real POS…”Don’t Laugh, it’s paid for!” By the way my husband still talks to his Ex and I am friends with her too…totally normal right? Your pretty damn good at making people laugh…who wouldn’t want to get a funny text about a one eyed cat? 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
@PluckingDaisy Ooh, I head he’s making out with her when you go out of town. I thought I should tell you. Don’t kill the messenger.