Let’s face it – some cops are dicks.
Not all, of course. But many of them are ex-jocks in high school who got bald and fat and still like to bully people. I personally have no issue with cops, as I don’t think I’ve actually spoken to one in years. I stay out of trouble, and they stay away from me.
Except for tonight.
I was heading from Chicago to Peoria earlier this evening. My parents asked if I wanted to come home for the weekend just to hang out. Since my dance card is only partially full (I still have seven episodes of Arrested Development that I need to complete to have seen the entire series three times), I decided to make the trip.
I drive a few back-country roads to get home, and the best thing about them is that you can speed like a moron. I love it, and have always had a radar detector. Sadly, mine broke a few months back and I haven’t replaced it.
Cruising along at 75 in a 55 zone, I saw flashing red and blues. For the first time in over a dozen years, I was being pulled over. I pulled the headphones out of my ears and fumbled for my driver’s license. I wanted to be prepared.
I also started cleaning up the Starburst and Corn Nuts wrappers littered about my console. No need to show him how I really live.
I’m smart enough to know that the only way to play this is through subservience. Make the guy feel like he’s in charge, and treat him with massive respect. He comes to the window.
How are you doing tonight?
Well – not so good, now.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
Yes, officer. I was speeding.
It’s actually very dangerous to be going that fast out here. No streetlights, and a few tough turns.
You are absolutely right.
Okay, I’ll be back in a little bit.
He came back seven minutes later handed me my license and a warning. Now, I’m wearing a business suit, my dog is in the seat next to me, and I’m driving a pretty nice car. I look like a yuppie douche. Little did he know that I’m relatively poor, only dressed nice because the boss makes me, and driving a car that my parents handed down. I thought I was going to get a ticket for sure. I figured this guy looked at me and thought I was on easy street. I guess he didn’t.
I think I played it right. Cops probably don’t want to hear you apologize for speeding. Just own your mistake and give them that respect. Look at them in the eye, but without malice. They’re just people. And, yeah, there a few ex-football quarterbacks that have a chip on their shoulder, but if you act vulnerable and honest, you may just get away with going twenty over on a country road.
