Okay, yo, I finally got my lead vest/apron. How? A sweet woman named Ady donated to me an old one they were throwing out at their animal hospital.
Turns out this vest was not for pets, but for humans. I will say, that it did not come in the greatest shape. A lot of strange stains, and it looks like some patchwork was required. Not good signs.
But, hey, I’m not proud. These things are sort of expensive. So what if five veterinarians used this thing over the years covered in cat blood and dog stinkers? I’m not above sleeping with this in my bed. It doesn’t necessarily match the Pottery Barn sheets, but it provides more comfort.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Okay, great. You got your vest. This must be the end of the tale.” And you would be wrong as shit.
Because I also got some lead gloves. And what I can only guess is something to protect my dong.
When I picked up this booty, Ady was not in the office. So the receptionist passed me over the bag and seemed to have no emotional response at all. It was if I walked in to pick up a letter of mine that was accidentally sent to them. I mean, this bag of lead stuff weighed a good 20lbs and she didn’t even bat an eye passing it over to a stranger. I would have had a few questions.
I’ve taken two naps in the past 24 hours to test the vest, each lasting about an hour. I’ve worn the vest and gloves, and here’s what happened.
Positives
- Gloves feel awesome holding down my hands – unexpected pleasure.
- Vest provides amazing comfort, as expected. When cat sits atop the vest, it’s even more awesome.
- Easy to fall asleep.
Negatives
- I woke up and felt a tingling in my molars. This is not normal, except when I get exposed directly to metal. Not sure what this means.
- Horrific nightmares. Perhaps just a coincidence, but both times were pretty rough, dream-wise.
- Long term affects of exposure to lead in vest may not be healthy. Haven’t explored this yet, but probably a good idea to check with Google.
Will I continue to use the vest? You’re goddamn right I will. And if you want to come over with a new-fangled fancy x-ray machine, you can snap away on me all day long. I’m not worried.