At BlogHer I attended a half-day session hosted by the wonderful MomoFali and DebOnTheRocks.
Near the end we were allowed to ask the entire group for something we needed. Then a member would raise their hand to promise assistance to that person. One woman, Annie, said she needed to learn how to become more funny. Nobody raised their hand. Deb poked me hard in the ribs and I yelped. I gave Annie my card.
Up until this morning I had completely forgotten that I had pledged this help. I only usually help myself. Usually to cookies.
Annie sent me a very sweet email with compliments (a great thing to do before asking for a favor) and then reminded me I had promised to make her funnier. I had no plan or any idea how to do this. She recommended I rewrite one of her posts.
I asked her to send over one – her choice.
First, let’s read her post originally seen on PeachPrenni
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Got a Swarm?
My husband found a hornet’s nest in the ground this weekend and decided to spray it. We now have a swarm of angry hornets hovering over their old hole. It’s kind of a pain because I have to worry about the kids and the dogs going out into the yard and getting stung, but it reminds me of a very funny conversation I had with my bestie Allie over the summer…
Me: “What are you guys up to today?”
Allie: “Ugh! Just trying to keep the kids busy inside because we have a swarm out back.”
Me: “You have a what?”
Allie: “A swarm.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Alie: “A swarm of bees that lost their hive.”
Me: “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
Allie: “Ya–it’s pretty common but it’s a pain in the ass because they’ve been swarming around our backyard for days and I can’t let the kids out to play.”
Me: “So what are you supposed to do?”
Allie: “I called a guy; he’s gonna come by this afternoon because he has to relocate a Queen to Loveland anyway…”
Me: “What?”
Allie: “He’s a Beekeeper–that’s what he does.”
Me: “Did you find him in the Yellow Pages–I’ve never heard of such a thing!”
Allie: “Annie–you’re so naive…”
Lol. Have you heard of this problem before–am I the only one? I didn’t even known there was a “guy” to call. Allie–I’m feeling your pain…we have a swarm!
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My turn…
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Got a Swarm?
I overcame my fear of bees at twelve years old when I witnessed my friend petting the back of one nesting in a flower. Hornets, however, will never stop terrifying me. I’m sure they perform some important ecological function other than stinging and building evil- looking hives. Here’s how scary hornets are – you’ve never met anyone who’s been stung by one. But just the thought of getting within five feet of a hive makes me sweat.
Well, we have one in our yard. Awesome.
Thankfully, it’s in the ground. Technically it was in the ground. My husband bought some spray and it killed the hive part. The hornets, however, must have been out stinging nuns or something because they all came back later that day to find their home decimated. So now they just hover over where the hive used to be. Mission uncomplished.
Now, I don’t give a shit if the Johnson neighbor boy throws his football in our yard and comes over and gets stung six times. Ain’t mine. But I can’t exactly have my kids on the Slip n’ Slide with pissed off hornets flying around looking for their hive. I don’t have that much Bactine.
So, the kids are now inside the house which really sucks. Normally, I just shove ’em out after breakfast. They’re perfectly happy digging around in the grass and stepping on dog poop. Yeah, they don’t exactly test well, but we’re hopeful for a trade school after they graduate. Fingers crossed.
Since I don’t like the kids to see me pour the first tumbler of white zin at 2pm I needed to fix this yard thing and get them back out with the worms. Thankfully there are professionals for this. It’s a pied piper sort of thing. I called this guy who pops over with in a sting-suit and lulls hornets into a trap. Then he drives away and they never come back. $200.
I’m glad the yard is back to normal and the hornets have relocated somewhere far away. I just hope they’ve rebuilt the hive and went back to their hornet-doings. Or maybe the suit-guy just kills them all ’cause that’s what gets him off. Whatever.
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Okay, that was a fun experiment. While I will not claim what I wrote was funnier, I did “D.J” it up. Anything with more D.J. is great in my book.
If you like this idea and would like me to rewrite your crappy posts, please let me know. Oh, and if anyone tries to rewrite mine, I’m going to sue. SUE!
