On Tuesday my mom informed me that she was going to spend the next night at my condo. I was treating her to The Iceman Cometh here in Chicago and since the play is five hours long, she wasn’t going to drive home afterwards.
Because I didn’t want my mom to see how I really live, I went on Craigslist to find a housekeeper that could come over that evening. After sending out about ten requests, I finally got a hit.
Sally C-Word (not her real name) emailed back and said she was available. Her price was insanely low. About $20 less than what I’m used to paying. I gave her my address and sprinted home after work.
When she arrived I was surprised to find that she was not Polish. In Chicago cleaning ladies are Polish. This woman was not-Polish, a little younger than me, cute, and normal. We made small talk and I found out that she’s from the same hometown as my ex-wife. She told me about her family, and I texted my ex to find out if she knew her.
I then had to leave as my cat was nice enough to pee on the guest bed moments before Sally arrived. Because my washing machine is not big enough to accommodate a comforter, I needed to go to the laundromat. I told Sally C-Word that I would be back in about 45 minutes.
When I returned home Sally C-Word was gone. The house was about 80% cleaned, but she had stopped at my master bathroom. All the supplies were there. I assumed she must have gone down to the car to feed the meter. But then I saw her cellphone still charging in my kitchen. I was worried because I wondered if she had gone to the car, realized she didn’t have a key and couldn’t come back in, and was stuck outside. Also, she couldn’t call me because I had her phone.
I walked around outside and couldn’t find her. I figured she’d borrow a phone and call me to come back inside. She never did.
Hours later, as I was about to doze off to bed I noticed something odd about my nightstand dresser. Then I realized she had swiped my Amazon Kindle, and an old inoperative iPhone. She also had stolen a speaker I had in the bathroom. All of these items were within a few feet of each other.
Yes, Sally C-Word grabbed a few things and ran.
She didn’t take anything too valuable, and somehow she missed the nice watch sitting right next to the Kindle which was worth more than the other stuff combined. Also, I never wear it and wouldn’t have noticed it for probably a year. However, I was freaking out and I ran around the house making sure she didn’t take anything else. She left my checkbook, the PS3, all my guitars, and computers.
My guess is that she got through 80% of the cleaning, saw a few items that would make more than the paltry sum I was about to pay her, and said, “Fuck this!”
But I have her first and last name. I have her cellphone. Sadly it is locked, but it has a microSD card, and I will read that this weekend. I can see text messages, like this one on the night of the theft:
!BABY GURL!: Can u get me a forty on the way home?
I’m guessing her boyfriend is a middle manager at IBM. The bummer is that the email I have for her is that crappy one that goes to her cellphone (5555555@carrier.com). I sent an email today telling her that I had all of her contact information and her family and friends’ information. I mentioned that if she didn’t return the shit she stole I would start calling each person to let them know that she’s a thief and is dating a man with severely underdeveloped alcohol consumption habits.
I had already called the police and filed a report. I knew she wasn’t going to email back. She might not have even received my message. She’s probably just some loser junkie who needed a fix.
At least I got 80% cleaning done and I didn’t have to pay her! Oh wait…
pdk117 says:
This a funny story. Loved it
D.J. Paris says:
@pdk117 Thanks, pdk!
The Napkin Dad says:
sheesh, some people. I am glad she won’t get away with it at least! You really should follow through with all the things you said you were going to do.
D.J. Paris says:
@The Napkin Dad Working on it – I can’t wait until I actually write a quote worthy of napkin art! I’ll try to include the c-word.
Dahliasmom2012 says:
Double check your checkbook, I used to work in banking and often thieves took a few from the middle of the book so it wouldn’t be noticed right away.
Sorry for getting ripped off, maybe she really needed that kindle to read up on how not to be a c-word?
D.J. Paris says:
@Dahliasmom2012 One thing I have learned. C-words to C-word stuff. She was just being herself. Can’t blame her for that. But I can try to exact revenge. That will be fun.
HeyMikey says:
This shouldn’t have happened after you tracked down a random stranger on CraigsList, the Skeezeball Capital of The Milky Way Galaxy let her into your home with no screening of any kind, and left her alone with everything you own. The shock and awe must be overwhelming.
HeyMikey says:
This shouldn’t have happened after you tracked down a random stranger on CraigsList, the Skeezeball Capital of The Milky Way Galaxy, let her into your home with no screening of any kind, and left her alone with everything you own. The shock and awe must be overwhelming.
D.J. Paris says:
@HeyMikey Who would have guessed a housekeeper could be a thief? They’re usually so honest and trustworthy, like every time I leave something in a hotel room. They’re nice enough to tell me that they didn’t find anything.
Katjaneway says:
Wow. Just another reason not to trust anyone on craigslist. My husband bought a CPU from a guy on craigslist over an hour away from home. I wanted to go but he wouldn’t let me. So I stayed home and worried. They were meeting in a public place, but I was still afraid he was going to get shot. Or at least robbed.
Katjaneway says:
oh, btw nothing happened. But still!
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway This is the best comment I’ve seen in a long time. Remind me to pat you on the top of your head should we ever meet. Well done.
Katjaneway says:
@delfinparis u bewilder me. Please do explain lol
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway The “oh, btw nothing happened” is an unintentional amazing punchline.
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic says:
Wow. Do I shake you now or later for leaving someone from Craigslist in your house alone?!
Given that you have all her contact info, I would make her life hell.
D.J. Paris says:
Don’t shake me, nor your baby.
about100percent says:
Dude. That sucks. At least she didn’t take your cat, too.
D.J. Paris says:
@about100percent That cat who peed on both beds that same night? Yeah, it’s a huge win for my sheets that she didn’t take the cat…
kristalpistol87 says:
Once again something that sucked for you made us laugh! If you really contact the people out of the phone there better be a continued post so we can all get the most out of this bad situation. Glad she wasn’t smart enough to take anything more valuable. Oh, and don’t be this stupid again.
D.J. Paris says:
@kristalpistol87 Kristal, that is, without question, the nicest thing you have ever said to me. Sure it was peppered with an insult, as is your style, but I’m still amazed you’re not yelling at me. I have to assume you’re high on Valium.
Gwennie says:
STUPID BITCH! Classic move telling you her whole life history & figuring out that you possibly know a common person & then leaving her cell phone. She sounds like a fucking genius! Seriously, mass text message the whole contact list & tell them what a great thief she is & then nominate her for the Darwin Awards — http://www.darwinawards.com/. Expecting a follow-up post fo sho. @about100percent — TOO BAD she didn’t take that incontinent, defiant cat! LOL
D.J. Paris says:
@Gwennie @about100percent I will just ask the universe to punish her with a sacrifice to Mother Earth. I will not pick up my dog poop for the next month to help the grass grow. (I never pick it up anyway – no foolin’)
schools online writing says:
I could watch Schindler’s List and still be happy after reading this.
jules468 says:
That sucks, but it’s cool you have her phone.
D.J. Paris says:
@jules468 It is? Would you like it? I’ll give it to you. What do you have for trade?
alaina says:
I can’t believe her boyfriend asked for a forty.
In all seriousness, that sucks. Hope the bitch gets what she deserves.
D.J. Paris says:
I have prayed for the Lord Jesus Christ to deliver her Hepatitis C by tomorrow around the dinner hour. We’ll see if he comes through!
elleroy5 says:
Too bad she wasn’t Polish. Thank Goddess she didn’t touch the guitars!
Sally C-word should suck a cell in Hell for this!
D.J. Paris says:
@elleroy5 I never cared for the Polish. Too shifty. Too damned shifty, I tells ya.
Sonja Rois says:
I would be lost without my Kindle. Ppl still drink 40’s?
D.J. Paris says:
@Sonja Rois I just had the “Best of Penthouse Forum 1983-1985” on there anyway. Not a huge loss.
Cathy Givans says:
I would cry if someone took my Kindle!
D.J. Paris says:
@Cathy Givans Cathy, don’t be such a gir….. Oh wait, never mind.
Heather aka Sugar Free says:
I hope she gets a scorching case of herpes. But I’m also wondering if her boyfriend got his forty. Seriously, that whole deal blows goats nuts. Effing thieves…
D.J. Paris says:
I’m just hoping the both got their 40s AND herpes. I want them to receive everything. I’m generous!
Eschelle says:
crack heads man… EVERYWHERE she was asking for a 40 = 40 rock of crack lol
D.J. Paris says:
@Eschelle I have no beef with crack heads. Many are readers of mine. Ignore Eschelle’s prejudice.
notasupermom says:
Aside from stealing, did she do a good job? My baseboards are a mess.
D.J. Paris says:
@notasupermom Comment of the day. (applause)
sodamnexcited says:
@tfpHumorBlog I can only assume you already figured this out and/or don’t care anymore, but slide the lock to the right to unlock the phone
D.J. Paris says:
@sodamnexcited Holy SHIT. Never occurred to me. You, sir, are a gentleman, a scholar, and head detective of the Obvious Crime Task Force.
sodamnexcited says:
@tfpHumorBlog SWEET! Do I get a huge brightly colored badge that no one can ignore?
D.J. Paris says:
@sodamnexcited You do not.
D.J. Paris says:
@sodamnexcited You do not.
sodamnexcited says:
@tfpHumorBlog Damn it.
sodamnexcited says:
@tfpHumorBlog Damn it.
Robyn says:
Oh no! That’s crazy. I have heard so many horror stories from Craigslist. Cleaning ladies, babysitters turned psychos…. I don’t think I would ever hire someone from Craigslist. Did anything ever come of what happened with Sally?
Heather says:
Of course her screen is cracked. Why wouldn’t it be?