This one caught me off guard.
I put an event together at our office recently to offer free headshots to employees. I realized that I had not updated my own headshot in over eight years.
Since then I’ve become fatter which is something I can fix at anytime except I started eating candy three years ago and have only occasionally come up for air.
Everyone needs a professional headshot that makes them look way more attractive than they really are. Women are masters at this and every one of them has a photo where they’re a ten. I have no problem with this strategy as my Twitter and Facebook photo is one of these. I didn’t purposely try to take a sexy photo. It was a band photo from the great C.B. Lindsey and just came out that way. It’s my “ten.”
In real life I’m much more non-ten. My friend J.C. Little said, when she saw me for the first time, “You don’t look like Ken [Barbie’s beau] at all!” She assumed I was hunky and sorely disappointed.
I hired a photographer for this work even and she brought all her crap – you know, the lights, backdrop, and the weird thing that flashes on the stick. I had to bolt out of the session early to drive to the other office so mine was done in thirty seconds.
My intention was to lose a bunch of weight before the shoot, but I decided to eat my feelings that month (girls, you know how we do) and shot up a good five pounds.
I turned, followed orders and it was over. Two weeks went by and she finally sent over the pictures. I’ll spare you the color version as my pale complexion will offend your sensibilities.
First the photo of me in my mid-late twenties.
Next is the photo recently taken referenced above.
Neck fat. Goddamned neck fat.
So, now, here’s what I have to do – hit up one of my buddies (or you readers) for whoever can crush out some neck fat lines on Photoshop. That’s an embarrassing conversation.
Hey, I’m really ashamed that it looks like my neck is bubbling over into my lapel and I need you to use computer magic to change it so that my neck isn’t doing what my neck actually does. I need you to lie for me!
I’m being a little dramatic. Hey, I had to write about something tonight. The photo itself is good. So, if you want to airbrush out the two neck vaginas I currently have, I’ll send you something special in the mail. A gift. Like a pair of avocado earrings the Mexican Hass Avocado Importers Association gave me for doing a video commercial on their website for avocados. Yes, you can have that.
Also, for some reason I have a sad smile. That smile is not a good smile. It’s like I’m fighting back crippling depression. I swear I wasn’t. Well, at least not at that moment.
Katjaneway says:
@tfphumorblog I’ll tweet you the picture! In a DM, I guess. heh.
Katjaneway says:
Or not… cuz I have no idea how to DM a twitpic. I’m lame lol I just set it to ur twitter.
Katjaneway says:
Oh and, although avocado earrings would surely be the bomb, I don’t have pierced ears cuz I’m allergic to nickel so I was like “F this”. lol
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway Send me your address via my contact form!
VikkiClaflin says:
Neck vaginas?? I just snorted wine out of my nose from laughing. It’s about time men competed in the world of women’s back fat and muffin top. When you figure it out, let us know. You’ll make millions. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
VikkiClaflin My gay readers have been bothering me since that photo about fucking my neck. I haven’t relented. Yet.
lisamfabry says:
If/When you receive photos you must post them up here so we can see!!
Lisa Fabry
D.J. Paris says:
lisamfabry Will do – I always forget to do this!
D.J. Paris says:
@MsEiryGore my neck is more of a spotter. Not a heavy flow.
LadyJWanderlust says:
I don’t even think it’s your neck’s fault… It’s a bad angle and I think you’d look better if you were shot from up higher, like in your mid-late twenties. Retake?
D.J. Paris says:
LadyJWanderlust Plus, if I can go back to my late-twenties, that would be best.
KateHall says:
I am crying, I am laughing so hard. Hilarious! I had to stop in the middle because my tears were blurring my vision and I couldn’t read the rest of the post. Awesome!
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Let’s be honest – you were just crying because you were thinking about how much funnier I am.
KateHall says:
tfpHumorBlog Every time I click the “Like” button on your comments it says, “1 Unlike”. Is that just on my end? I want it to look like I like them, not unlike them. Maybe it’s asking me if I want to unlike it. Weird.
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Hmm… not sure. You should have to click it to like it. Then you would click to unlike. Maybe reload the page or close down and repoen browser?
PamMktgNut says:
Too funny. Thanks for the good laugh tonight. This has to be one of the most honest and real posts I have seen. I agree with LadyJWanderlust in that you should reshoot the photo with the camera up higher. If you can’t do such we’d be happy to help you photoshop out the neck. Though it is already starting to grow on me 😉
D.J. Paris says:
PamMktgNut LadyJWanderlust My buddy Katjaneway already did it, but I appreciate the offer!
Atjules says:
http://www.photoshoprequest.com/
PamMktgNut says:
@portentint @tfpHumorBlog yes that has to be one of the funniest posts I have read almost well… EVER! ha
portentint says:
@pammktgnut Neck Vaginas. I will never, ever forget that term. EVER.
PamMktgNut says:
@portentint no kidding! Every time I think of it I can’t help but bust out laughing! I think we can all relate! 😉
D.J. Paris says:
PamMktgNut Thanks Pam!
PamMktgNut says:
@PaulClarity @tfpHumorBlog might be worth a try! Ha 🙂
Barbergirl28 says:
Wow… I am laughing so hard… I am almost crying. I would offer my photoshopping skills but sadly, I think you will end up with like a neck penis or something. My skills are lacking. But I will give you a 10 anyway!