I want you to do something right now.
Pull out one of your hands (choose the one that is shoved down the front of your pants – and no I don’t mean because you’re doing that.)
Hold it up in front of you. Pay particular attention to the pinky. Notice it’s length. It’s longer than you thought, right?
Get this. My second toe is longer than your pinky.
And even though I have super long fingers (great for playing guitar), even my pinky is about the same length at what I’ll hence be calling “Spear Toe.” Here’s a photo for scale.
Notice all that white shit on the front of Spear Toe? That’s dead skin. I get that because Spear Toe finds out what’s up way before the other toes. It’s the scout of my feet. Also, the first line of defense. I wear a size 13 shoe (at Aldo, I wear a 14). That’s a lot of foot in shoe. More than necessary.
Without a shoe, Spear Toe takes the brunt of everything stubbable. Spear Toe is also very monkey-like. I have a feeling I could stand on a branch, lean forward, and Spear Toe could curl around that bastard and keep me upright. I’m also confident that I could probably open jars with Spear Toe.
In fact my other toes have never touched anything that Spear Toe hasn’t touched first. When walking through the sand at the beach, is the next step going to be a hot patch? Spear toe knows.
I’m not a foot guy. I don’t care about high heels on a woman, which nails are painted what color, and when you last used the pumice stone. I won’t suck on a toe, or stare one down seductively. It’s kind of far away from the areas I do enjoy. So, I’m not sure what a sexy foot on a woman looks like. Here’s what I know is NOT sexy.
And while it’s easy to poke fun at women with nasty toes, I get to keep Spear Toe hidden away inside the big clown shoes I’m forced to wear. Spear Toe only really makes it’s appearance on the beach during the summer or on vacation. When I’m sleeping on my back, Spear Toe pushes the sheets up a little higher, making it look like I have two tiny toe erections.
Maybe I should start wearing socks when I make love. That would prevent me from stabbing my partner’s soles with Spear Toe. But then you would realize I wear those super high dress socks that go halfway up the leg. Not sure which is less sexy.
Oh well, I have Spear Toe. You have imperfections, too. Probably really obvious ones that people make fun of when you leave the break room at work. There – I just made myself feel better about Spear Toe.