I Puked All Over Myself While Paddleboarding

Life is still kind of boring in the virtual realm. But at least I look cool while bored.

Throwing up while sober is more unpleasant than while drunk.

I’ve vomited maybe three times in the past dozen years, all from a flu or stomach ache. But back when I was drinking, puking after a binge was expected (and often welcomed). I would feel so shitty after a night of double whiskey sours that the next morning heaving out my insides would provide a modicum of relief. Sometimes even a small jolt of endorphins. It’s like a runner’s high, but without the running and nipple tape. But barfing sober, it just sucks from the coming attractions until the end credits. READ MORE

Is My Height Worth Fighting Over?

See, guys can look cool doing squats, too! I keep my shirt on, however, since I'm not a total psycho.
fisticuffs
It’s probably the lighting, but his left arm seems 1000% less muscular than his right.

I almost got into fisticuffs with someone the other day regarding my height.

Okay, fisticuffs are an exaggeration. I haven’t ever participated in a true, punch-throwing fight. Once in my youth I jumped on top of a guy who was trying to hurt a co-worker of mine and I tried to choke him out. It was fifteen years ago and seemed like the best option at that moment. After the incident (which lasted ten seconds) my co-worker said, “I’ve never seen anyone use a strangle move before.” I must have appropriated that technique from all of the 1980s buddy cop movies I watched as a child. I haven’t been in a fight before or since. READ MORE

I Reviewed the Diva Cup on InThePowderRoom

The bag behind it is for barfing.

Menstruation is both gross and offensive.

It is, however, one of those unavoidable consequences that a male must endure if he so chooses to co-habitate with a female of breeding age. Sure, the lady also endures, I SUPPOSE, but they’re not on the other end of the wild mood swings, irritability, and all of that howling during a full moon. Oh, and once a woman starts “the turn,” even though her cycle stops I hear all sorts of other craziness begins. Like chin hair and loss of bladder control. READ MORE

I’m a Keynote Speaker at BlogU Conference this Year!

Captain Stubing knew what's up.

Is meeting me in person going to fulfill a life-long fantasy for you?

Judging by the number of people who show up randomly at my doorstep (zero) and those that I’ve needed to get a restraining order against (not one), I would assume I’m not on too many bucket lists. Which is okay, I SUPPOSE. READ MORE

The Glitter Pill Disappointment

Which one would you choose for the maiden voyage? It's tough, right?
woman glitter

I was hoping for fireworks, M-80 style.

A few months ago one of my friends sent an email with the subject line “You Can Poop Glitter With This Pill!” In the message was a story about an Etsy shop that sold pills jammed with thousands of pieces of non-toxic glitter. Apparently the stomach doesn’t digest these shiny travelers and passes them unscathed through the intestines into the colon. The Etsy merchant had many different colors including a rainbow option called “Unicorn Style.” I replied to my friend with, “I love this.” His reply – “D.J. – you have to try this. Please.” He’s married and not allowed to participate in such nonsense. READ MORE

Behold the 2015 Thoughts From Paris Holiday Card

The last person that wore it before me had gone through menopause 17 years before.

Normally, I mail out a handful of holiday cards to readers.

In previous years I’ve held contests to win these valueless (but sentimental) items. I’ve sent cards to Africa, Australia, and a bunch of other continents that I can’t recall at the moment. This year, however, I wasn’t able to get the whole thing going prior to the holidays. Yes, I completed the card, but it was only sent to my innermost circle. Friends and family. Oh, and the fishmonger with the shop a few blocks over. He gave me a good deal on tuna steaks last fall. The good news is that even though only my close friends and family members received a card, you too can electronically enjoy this year’s creation. In this very post, no less! What good fortune! READ MORE