I Did 198 Takes Last Night for My Video Blog – A Confession

The beginning and the end.

I told my girlfriend a lie last night.

To be fair, this was unintentional. Had I known the actual truth (as I do now) I may have very well snapped the remaining thread of sanity holding me upright or thrown myself from a balcony screaming.

On my way home from work yesterday I put together some thoughts for a video blog. I wrote down eleven points I wanted to discuss including an upcoming trip, a holiday card I’m sending to readers, and a story about not picking up my dog’s poop (which I still don’t do even though I promised you I would). READ MORE

Want a ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card?

Great!

All you have to do is email me at dj@thoughtsfromparis.com with your address and you’ll receive one – well, if you’re of the first fifty who reply. That’s all I bought. Addressing fifty cards is a real pain in the butt!

Next, I’ll be in Las Vegas from Jan 2nd through the 6th, and if you’d like to get together for a reader meetup, shoot me a message. I promise to keep my hands to myself. It’s one of those resolution things. READ MORE

Snoring Vs. Adult Films

This image doesn't fit any part of the post. I forgive myself for that, too.

To be funny the other night I audio-recorded my girlfriend snoring.

She, naturally, had the mistaken belief that she was not a snorer. I woke up in the middle of that night to what appeared to be a log splitter set to maximum strength chugging away three inches from my face. Since I don’t find snoring repulsive or an impediment to my asleep, I wasn’t bothered. I found myself laughing at a the idea that a beautiful woman was doing something so traditionally non-graceful. READ MORE

I Wrote What YOU Told Me – Part VIII

Every so often I realize that my creativity appears to be slumbering. It is in those moments that I reach out to readers who remind me that their ideas for blog posts are much worse than my own. Here we go.

I actually have a cat vomit story from when I was wee. Goddamn do I love alliteration! Anyway, I was forced to take piano lessons from an old bat named Mrs. Mayhew. My sister and I alternated which meant that for her 30 minutes I would keep myself busy by looking around Mrs. Mayhew’s home. She had, like all old people, a shitload of National Geographic magazines. I found one of the floor which had what appeared to be a 3D volcano on the cover. It was a huge mound of brown hardened glop. Impressed I thought, “Man, this magazine really does some cool stuff!” I reached over the top of the volcano and touched the inside. Smushy. When it was my turn for the lesson I told Mrs. Mayhew how I found the issue with the model volcano on the cover. She looked puzzled, went over to where I was playing and gasped. Yep, the cat had barfed on the magazine cover. Right next to the cover story – on volcanos. READ MORE

I’m Going to Impress You With a Big Word

I always wanted to write a piece where I used the word “precipice.”

Just wanted to say that. Great opener, yes?

Let’s move on.

We all need a council of people that will tell us the truth even when it hurts. If you don’t have such a group, you may want to build that into your life. READ MORE

Fun in the Bedroom – The D.J. Way

This one's on my bucket list. I call it the Japanese Businessman.

Yesterday I wrote about how I can fall asleep faster than Jessie Owens sprinting to the bathroom with diarrhea.

Nice – I managed to work in a Jessie Owens reference. Need to update my references. Not very timely.

Since I spend more time on my back than the ladies of a Thai cathouse, I thought I’ve give you some ways to spice up things in the bedroom. No this list isn’t dirty. You can figure out your own grossness. I’m talking about the purity of awesome that is sleeping. READ MORE

I Sleep Weird

You're doing it all wrong - use the briefcase as the pillow, stupid!

Recently my girlfriend mentioned that I was a picky eater. This was an unacceptable observation to me. I pride myself on being willing to consume anything. I’ve even made proclamations that I’d probably try both dog and cat, and I have both a dog and a cat. See? I’m a fun, free-wheeling kind of guy! READ MORE

I’m Going Off Caffeine After Abusing the Sh*t Out of it

Well, at least I was never this guy

I’m going off caffeine.

For most of my life I wouldn’t let caffeine into my system. I decided at eighteen that it was a terrible chemical to introduce to one’s system and never let it pass my lips. In that same year I became an evangelist against milk and swore off the white. I had read a book which said both were evil and would be the downfall of health. You have to remember that this was before the internet and anything I read in a book was gospel. I fell for pretty much every new-age fad including chakra healing, food combining, subliminal positive messages, and neuro-linguistic programming. I studied hypnosis and moved my furniture around so my bed was in alignment with the earth’s polarity. I bought a juicer and had nothing but freshly squeezed orange juice for breakfast. Today we call that an unbalanced breakfast (and probably the onset of a candida fungus). Back then it was the healthiest thing you could do. READ MORE