Last night I came home from four days away in Atlanta visiting the woman I’m seeing.
When I’m gone I usually take my dog to the groomer who watches her throughout the day and takes her home to his place. She even sleeps in bed with him.
That leaves my cat.
My cat is dumb. I know that everyone says either their pets are smart or dumb, but mine really is dumb.
Example: When I brought my cat, Pantaloons, home the first time from the shelter, she ran right over your the dog and started rubbing against her, purring. Now, while incredibly cute, this is the mark of a dumb cat. Cats are supposed to be naturally afraid of dogs. But since my dog is harmless, no big deal.
This is one of the positives of being dumb.
Here’s one of the negatives. She loves peeing on my bed when I’m away.
EVER heard that cats will not sleep in an area where they pee? “Not true!” my cat says. She loves to pee in my bed and then sleep there later.
And sometimes I don’t catch it until after I’ve gotten into bed and noticed the smell. I so wish it wasn’t cruel to backhand a cat.
I think she’s either upset at me being gone and this is a “Screw you, old man!” or she forgets where to pee.
Note: I am not actually an old man, but I didn’t write the expression
The other possibility is that she has terrible anxiety about me being gone and pees outside the box as some sort of dumb-cat coping strategy. At least this is what I’m hoping because it’s treatable.
So now each night, before bed, Pantaloons gets 1mg of Prozac funneled into her gullet. She hates this, mind you. It’s not like they make goldfish and yarn flavored anti-depressants.
But I can’t keep having her peeing on my bed. And giving her away is not the solution. I mean, I’d have to lie to the agency.
Why am I giving the cat back? Um, would you believe that I suddenly developed a phobia of tigers? And you know, they’re like mini-tigers.
No, okay – how about that I’m into really kinky stuff, and I didn’t want her to see me suspended by the ceiling fan by with alligator clamps on my nips. That is not for kitty’s eyes.
Okay, last try. She ate all my mice that live in my apartment, and, hey, I really dig mice.
The Prozac takes about twenty days to take hold.
If this doesn’t work I shall throw myself off the balcony in frustration. It’s a super dramatic way to die, and I’m that kind of guy.
Plus, now I wrote it, so I need to keep the promise. My therapist is always talking to me about accountability.
ChrisBird says:
I remember driving with a buddy to a keg party that was 4 hours away, because he liked a chick. It was not my kind of party, so I went inside to have a nap on the couch. I laid my head down, and immediately ran for the toilet, gagging. When I came back out the brother was laughing because I had just put my head down on the “cat piss pillow”. Apparently this is a thing, where their cat just pisses on one spot , and it happens to be the pillow I unwittingly laid my head on. I really feel for you.
Chris
Madnessofthemind says:
I had a cat like that when I was younger. Whenever I would scold him for doing something wrong (cat like), he would piss on my pillow before I went to bed.
D.J. Paris says:
@Madnessofthemind You were right to scold him. And he was right to pee on your pillow.
Jesse3581 says:
Well, I think that settles it. I’m not going to sleep in your bed.
I wasn’t really planning on it, mind you. But I thought you and I would strike up the kind of friendship whereas you might say, “Hey Jesse … if you’re ever in the Chicago area, you could crash here”. And then I’d show up and you’d offer me your bed.
So I’m sure you’ve cleaned and everything. But I’m not gonna sleep in your bed. Thanks though.
jennapooh1971 says:
Now, I know you’re upset with Miss Pantaloons for peeing on your bed, but to be fair you did put her in a sink with electrical wires. She may be dumb, but she’s not lick-the-electrical-socket dumb. Unless she put herself in the sink, at which point she may have been going for suicide-by-owner and you’ll need to double her prozac and include therapy.
BellyBillboard says:
I’ve gotta be honest here
BellyBillboard says:
I’ve gotta be honest here, I don’t know very much about cats. I know that 1.) I don’t like them. 2.) They freakin’ love me and 3.) They’re tasty in chow mein.
What I do know is that I would whomp that cat’s butt for taking a whiz on my bed. That’s reserved only for the king of the castle when he’s had one too many goblets of Milwaukee’s finest triple hops brewed pilsner.
Pish Posh says:
She’s so cute! Are you sure she’s peeing? She might be peeing outside the box and then getting pee-butt which my cat gets when he’s retarded and sits in his pee while he’s peeing. Then he comes to my bed to give me kisses and my bed smells like a litter box if I let him and his pee-butt up.
D.J. Paris says:
@Pish Posh She’s peeing. But I figured out how to hide the Prozac in two smushed together Whisker Lickens which is helping.
inthemomlight says:
I just gave this a thumbs down on SU hah, jk, but random that you reposted it because my house has been smelling a lot like urine lately – I have 3 options – dog, toddler, husband after drinking…
D.J. Paris says:
@inthemomlight If the pee smell came from your sink, it was probably me. ‘Cause that’s where I pee.
moonarific says:
I Know I’m about 6 months late on this, but my cat pees on my bed when I’m not home too. I read somewhere (I can’t remember where. I’ve been all over the place researching this nonsense) that when a cat pees on your bed when you’re away but pees in the litterbox like they are supposed to when you’re at home, that it is anxiety about missing you and they are marking their scent on your bed to make it easier for you to find your way home again. If thats really the true motivation for it, its kinda sweet. But gross. REALLY gross. My cat does it if I leave even for an hour or two so I have to shut my bedroom door every time I go somewhere. She used to never do it but then after I got her fixed she got extra affectionate and started wanting to be loved on all the time and started sitting in my lap 24/7 and being clinging and now when I leave she says “noooo I missss you please come back to meee” and she says it with urine.
D.J. Paris says:
@moonarific Oh, I’ve never read that! That actually makes perfect sense! I’m not sure how it relates to her peeing in the guest bathtub, though. I never use that one. She just loves to make peeps!
moonarific says:
ps did the prozac help?
D.J. Paris says:
@moonarific Yes, but I stopped giving it because I’m an idiot. Will start back up!
D.J. Paris says:
@BellyBillboard Oh, don’t worry. I beat her unmerciful. I have no problem beating cats.
D.J. Paris says:
@jennapooh1971 How I missed this comment I will never know. Brilliant.
D.J. Paris says:
@Jesse3581 You are hereby invited to sleep in the guest bedroom if the cat is locked in with you. She’ll piss all over the sheets and will make for a great blog post.
D.J. Paris says:
@ChrisBird You slept during a keg party? I hope you were on a shitload of ‘ludes at the time.
AlwaysARedhead says:
So you drug your cat and make her sleep in the sink with an electrical cord?
Jennifer says:
Egads!!! I dated a guy who also had a cat that peed all over and often. Despite his best efforts to medicate the cat, it didn’t work. He was in denial that his place wreaked of that toxic nitrogenous waste. I didn’t have the heart to tell him how bad it really was. At least you can admit to having a smelly pad. Those pissy fumes are a real turn off to the ladies! If you find yourself getting transitioned into the “friend zone” after dating, I bet your cat has cursed you! A bed is a primary place to engage in sexual relations, not a litter box. Super gross!
Cary says:
I take it the Prozac worked? I mean, you haven’t thrown yourself off of a balcony, have you?