stories

test test test

Boats and Muppets

I know this is supposed to be Miss Piggy, but there is something unholy and terrifying about it. Please look away. Right now.

Today I went on a boat that didn’t go anywhere and didn’t go on a boat that did go somewhere.

My day was really supposed to be different.  I had plans to visit a friend of mine who was donating some pretty amazing bike tires to me and going to help install them.  Even though I log more than 100 miles a week I couldn’t tell you the names of most of the parts of my bike.  I’m embarrassed to say, but it’s true, that I just learned there was a “tube” inside the tire about a year ago.  I’ve been riding for four years.  Obviously I have the capability to learn this stuff, but it just doesn’t come naturally. READ MORE

I Drank a Non-Diet Drink

Yes, that is my crotch.

I am so incredibly exhausted right now – I will attempt to make it through this post without taking a nose-dive into the keyboard.  By the way, wouldn’t it be awesome that, in my unconsiousness, my true self took over and started typing with my nose? READ MORE

I Left Doody! – A Confession

Knock it off, Dan. We know you made that yourself. Please move out of your mom's basement. The costume, Dan. You're 38.

I made a mistake at work last night.

Being the last one to leave, I was responsible for turning off the lights, setting the air conditioner, locking up, etc.  This happens quite a bit – no big deal.  Takes all of thirty seconds.

This morning I came in and one of my coworkers asked if I was the last one to leave.  I said yes.  He asked if I noticed that somebody didn’t flush the toilet last night.  I had just been in the bathroom moments before and noticed that there was a little toilet paper in the bowl – someone forgot to flush.  I reached over and flushed it.  No big deal. READ MORE

Some Skag Threw A Penny At Me!

I don't look this cool on my bicycle, nor with my shirt off.

Every other Monday after work I got to a men’s group where we talk about our lives, feelings, dealing with stuff, etc.  Sounds girly?  Nah.  We do hug each other hello, though.  Then we push the other guy away and yell a homophobic slur. READ MORE

Sometimes People On The Internet Are Real!

Lil' Miss Meepers, Gwen, Lola, D.J., and D.J.'s chest sweat. (Hey, I biked 8 miles to get here with the goddamned dog on my back!)

I had the pleasure today of meeting one of my favorite bloggers and reader of mine, Gwen Hartley.  She has a fantastic website  TheHartleyHooligans  which chronicles her life as a mother and wife.  It is both funny and touching.

She has been a supporter of my writing and over the past year we’ve developed an online friendship.  In a weird coincidence, one of my other readers who I’m close with, Mary, is good friends with Gwen’s best friend.  Anyway, Gwen and her husband Scott live outside Wichita, which I have been told is in Kansas. READ MORE

Twitter Fight!

Hmm... Candyman is a lot less scary than I remember.

I spent the last few hours responding to (I’m pretty sure) every comment that has been posted on this site in the previous week.  It was like 80, and I’m all joked out.

Yesterday I wrote a post where I talked about  how I can manually go in and edit your comments  should I so desire.  Just in case you have forgotten I am a humor blogger.  I would never edit your crap.  Well, I would like to.  But I wouldn’t.  I did have to ban a few people months ago for being insensitive to social politeness. READ MORE

I’ve Been Showering In The Guest Bath

This kid is inspiring me to do a week sleeping on the floor. Bet I can get at least a solid three blog posts out of it. The things I do for you people!

At least six times a year (basically, whenever I can remember to) I flip around and sleep backwards in bed.  You know, head where the feet are supposed to be.

In a weird way, it’s almost like a mini vacation.  I wake up, and for a second I don’t know exactly where I am.  The room is totally foreign from this vantage point.  I’m not sure why I get such a kick out of it.  When I was married and also with past girlfriends, I haven’t found anyone that gets as much pleasure from this simple change.  I feel like my current girlfriend would do it, but only because she knew how excited I get.  But in her mind she’d think it was stupid.  It sort of is. READ MORE

I Went To a Concert Because You Told Me To!

I was too embarrassed to ask someone to take my photo.

Being in a band that plays regularly you’d think I’d have a stronger sense of the local music scene in Chicago.   I mean, I  am  part of the local music scene.

One of my readers Mary kept insisting I go see one of her favorite bands, Ozomatli, when they were scheduled to play here.   Just about every day she’d send a message asking me if I had bought tickets.   I relented and purchased one. READ MORE

I Shaved My Back For Nothing!

dsfadfadfa

Often I sit in front of the computer for fifteen minutes or more trying to figure out what to write.

Not today.

Two days ago I shared about  needing to trim up my shoulder hair  for a pool party I had been invited to.  Today was the day, so I grabbed my suit, a towel, and headed out the door for my friend’s house, which is an hour away. READ MORE