I’m sure you’re aware, but if not, there are a TON of degenerate scumbags who troll the internet.   And for some reason, many more that I would have imagined find my website.   This feature is inspired by the awful people who type even more awful things into Google and find my website.   I call it…

Things About Excrement

First, I think it’s important to understand what I mean when I say degenerates who find ThoughtsFromParis.   When a post is written and published, I send an instant ping to hundreds of different sites whose job is to crawl webpages and categorize content.   Google is one of these sites.

A little over a year ago I wrote a story about how I accidentally pooped my pants when I was in my twenties.   It’s become one of my most popular stories, and linked to many times from other sites.   Google has mistakenly decided this story is very important, and has positioned it high in the search results for some truly disgusting searches.

Thanks to analytics software, I can track many things about my website visitors.   What country them come from, how long they stay on each page, even if they’re a new visitor or repeat viewer.

I am about to share a few searches that have led people to my website.   Get ready.

• fully clothed pooping – yes, thanks to writing this article, three people have found my site who typed this in.   And yes, it’s true that in my story, I did, in fact, poop fully clothed.   But my guess is that the subhumans who typed this into Google was not looking to read a story about a guy who gets sick in a cab.   They probably wanted a video.   Sorry to disappoint.

• pooping her pants – of course, many people have found my site by typing in “pooping his pants”, but for some reason, this one is more alarming to me.   I can’t imagine wanting to type those three words in that sequence for any reason.

• funny pooping pants stories – okay, this one I don’t mind because I did write a funny story about going boom in my nice dress pants.   But…   Are there a ton of these stories floating around (pun intended)?   Does somebody collect anecdotes about this topic?   And, if so, do they bring them out during cocktail parties?   “Hey Jonathan, I found three really awesome gems online about people who poop in their pants.   While I’m pouring your highball, I’d like to tell you three.   I have many more, but three is a good start.”

• I pooped my pants stories – now, if you pooped your pants, would you be searching for “I pooped my pants stories”?   You’d already know the story, right?   Well, maybe if you were high on ketamine during the incident, and your best friend is your online biographer.   Then maybe it would be an apt search.

• I am an adult and I pooped my pants – I’m just speechless.   Why would someone type…   What is going on with…   What were they looking…   I’m just going to never think about this one again.

One final point.   Lest you think these were just a couple of random scumbags, think again.   The search terms listed above account for over one hundred individuals that landed on MY website.   And it doesn’t count repeat visitors.   These are one hundred new people.   And if you want to get even more depressed, I checked my site versus these search terms, and I don’t even show up on the first three pages for any of them.   So they had to browse through dozens of sites before landing on mine.

The good news is that maybe they read that story and chuckled.

Who am I to judge?   No wait, judging is fine.

You’re gross.   Get help.