Did you ever dream of owning a tank? Sure you did. Remember when you used to look out the window, bored in grammar school, fantasizing of driving a Sherman across the playground and running over that bully who used to throw the kickball at your head just because he was a dickhead?
No? You never had a bully repeatedly embarrass you in grammar school? Yeah, me neither. I was one of the cool kids. Scout’s honor. No bullying done to this guy. And even if I was subject to some bully-trauma, I wouldn’t still be holding on to that shame and anger 30 years later. I’d have to be really screwed up to still be dreaming of that night after night, waking up in cold sweats and shaking, and just hoping, one day I get my sweet revenge.
Moving on – here’s the good news. If you never thought about running over bullies in tanks as a child, you can start thinking about it NOW.
Why? Because, back in 2005, you could actually buy yourself a tank. Honest-to-shit. And you didn’t even have to join the Marines. Although, if you do join the Marines, my understanding is that they give you a tank after a few years in the service. I saw that in one of their commercials.
Introducing the greatest civilian vehicle of ALL time:
JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
First off, let’s talk about the name. I really dislike this word, “badonkadonk.” You know how there is some slang vernacular that needs to be run over with a tank? (See what I did there?) This is one of those words. If you want to talk about a woman’s behind, which I think we can all agree is time well-spent, by all means, go right ahead. I support that. But the word “badonkadonk” should never be uttered by anyone, anytime, for any reason. It wasn’t funny when the word came out back in 2002, and it isn’t funny now.
But, anyway, this IS the name of a great automotive engineering achievement, so we’ll have to look past the unfortunate branding decision.
Let’s take a peek “under the hood” of the ‘Donk and let you in on its awesomeness.
From Amazon’s Product Description:
- Completely unique, extremely rare land vehicle and battle tank.
- The Donk can transport cargo or a crew of five internally or on the roof, and
- Can be piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch
- One-way steel mesh armor windows
- Standard drive is an air-cooled, 6hp Tecumseh gasoline (unleaded only) engine
Sounds pretty kick-ass to me. 6hp? I don’t know what that means. And I don’t care. I just want a tank.
The Badonkadonk was released to the public back in 2005. It was priced at $19,999.95 and was featured to purchase on Amazon.com (shipping extra). And, in usual viral-web fashion, someone stumbled across this gem and posted an article about it.
And then the reviews started popping up on Amazon like minute three of a Orville Redenbacher bag in the microwave. Here we are, five years later, and people are STILL writing reviews on Amazon.com for the Badonkadonk, even though it hasn’t actually been available for four years.
My review is by no means the best of the bunch (there are 233 reviews currently), but certainly of the better ones out there. Morons like me flocked to this page and wrote our reviews of our experience with this amazing technological marvel.
Click to Enlarge
I’d be remiss if I didn’t include some of my personal favorite reviews for the Badonkadonk. Here are three – simply click on the images below to access the reviews.
So there you have it. At some point, you probably are still asking yourself, “Why was this created?” The actual truth behind the why and what of the Badonkadonk is quite boring, so for the sake of mystery, let’s just say that the engineers knew something. Something profound. That sounds good.
Was John Lennon right? Is happiness a warm gun? I don’t know. All I know is that over 200 people across this country gathered electronically to express how they felt about one of the most insane products ever to hit the market. And if the creators never sold a single Badonkadonk, they generated a lot of good laughs. And that, to me, is something special.