What do you do to soothe yourself when you’re having a rough day?
I stared at my therapist blankly.
By 10am I had been having a “not feeling good” kind of morning. The cold and the sludge and no sun – it was affecting my well-being. I was bummed. Plus, I hadn’t slept enough the night before. Not in a good mood.
The first thing that my therapist does in our sessions is to ask how I’m doing.
“All I want is to go home, overeat pizza until I pass out, play video games, write jokes on Twitter so people tell me I’m funny, and not be responsible.”
Okay, you want to blow off the day. How will that make you feel if you do those things?
“Um – worse.”
So, escaping is not going to make you feel better. What could you do instead?
“There are things I can do instead of blowing off the day to change my mood?”
She then asked the soothing question. I didn’t understand what “soothing” meant so I asked for examples. Being a woman she listed things like chocolate, pedicures or massages, buying an item of clothing. These I can’t relate to, but I understood the concept. She was talking about self-care. What were some small gifts I could give myself that would change my feelings?
I can’t put on music or a podcast at work and it’s too damned cold to take a walk with my dog. Other than that, I was out of ideas.
She reminded me that I didn’t have any other strategies to cope with a tough day other than powering through or completely escaping. Both are not ideal.
I needed to find ways to give myself things I enjoy when I’m feeling crummy. The problem is I have no idea what soothes me. I just know how to obliterate feelings by going off the deep end into short-term pleasure.
Since I didn’t have any suggestions on soothing she offered this idea – I start trusting that my body knows this information. To continue to stay with the discomfort until answers bubble up from the feeling. I agreed to give it a shot and went back out into the cold.
What I ended up doing was leaving work a few hours early and taking an hour long nap. That was what my body was telling me to do. Then I was interviewed for someone’s podcast and my body suggested another short nap. I obliged.
Now, I’m ready for bed and I feel better. I listened internally and did the suggested actions. I didn’t blow off the day or try to use force to change my state. I trusted there was something happening inside of me and that it would pass. It did.
I still ate pizza and tweeted a little and I’m about to play a video game. But all in small doses.
I wish someone when I was younger would have told me how “feeling your feelings” would be one of the most useful skills to life. Would have saved me God-knows-how-much in therapy.
That being said, I’m still allowing one blow off day a week. Getting high by eating four donuts at 10am is simply fun. Don’t judge me.
photo credit: Adam Kuban via photopin cc
Karma Girl says:
Have you NEVER had a massage? Dude. Still, naps are good too.
D.J. Paris says:
I’ve had a few – I should probably schedule like one a month. Good call. But only with a chick. No dudes.
Adminderella says:
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Float Spas (stay with me here, I know “spa” is not a real masculine concept, but stay with me) They are the modern version of what used to be called sensory deprivation tanks and they are large tubs filled with VERY salted water that you float in. You can do it with music or without, with lights on or off but let me tell you, I went once and it was simply the most relaxed I’ve ever been. It would have been better if I could have really gotten my mind quiet, but that NEVER happens and part of what I did think about was how nice it was to not have to answer to anyone for an hour.
It can be pricey… I don’t know that I could justify the expense unless I win the lottery (I don’t spend money on myself…too many lectures as a kid about how only horrible people were self-indulgent). But if you have the chance, blot the word “spa” from your mind and go float.
D.J. Paris says:
I’ve done one! It was nice and relaxing, and I meditated for an hour or so. It was okay, but I did get a little bored. Worth doing, though.
Ila says:
Self-Soothing… When I started reading this I thought to myself, “TAKE A NAP”. That’s one of my favorite things to do when I have a babysitter lol. I also highly suggest Massage Therapy, not girly at all- great for mind, body, and health.
D.J. Paris says:
I’m the king of naps. Yeah, I need more hot chicks touching me, so massage may be the way to go!
TheFakeGourmet says:
Do something for someone else. It helps get you out of your own head and you kind of forget you were feeling bummed. AND it might result in that person fixing you a hug, which we all know is good for improving state of mind. Win-win!
D.J. Paris says:
Hmm… this doing something for someone else seems like a pain. I’ll consider it, but only if there’s something ultimately in it for me. 🙂
TheFakeGourmet says:
lol…
Karen says:
Go to an art museum with a grandma. It can be yours or you can borrow one for the day. Slice up a watermelon with a friend and feed each other, you can spit the seeds at beer cans on a fencepost. At this time next year, you will reminisce with joy about that time you did all that great stuff with the watermelon and the grandma.
D.J. Paris says:
So now I have to fly down to Texas to see my grandma? That sounds like way too much work. This watermelon idea is interesting except two guys feeding each other seems a little too homoerotic for me.
How about I just go overindulge in candy or something? Easy. Ha.
AlwaysARedhead says:
When you said self-soothing I immediately thought of my son, the teenage boy. I had written a post in October 2012 (http://alwaysaredhead.com/the-teenage-boy-is-a-young-man/); I was quiet sad, so my son spoke with my bff and asked her to come visit me. My best friend and I have been friends for over thirty years now, and if my husband is unable to be there for me, I can easily count on her to make me feel much better.
The massage though is also a fabulous idea. You should really try it, of course you need to be comfortable with getting naked, and just a towel covering the important part. Once you are comfy with the nakedness, letting someone massage your body will definitely help you forget about everything.
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, you definitely need a support system outside of the family. Who else are you going to bitch about family to? 🙂
Casi says:
Blow off days are what the weekends are for.
I’m glad you found a way to “feel your feelings.” It’s a skill that takes a lot of practice. I had years of counseling in high school and boxes of journals where I was exploring myself.
Thank you for sharing.
D.J. Paris says:
Yes – I pretty much annihilate the weekends.
Boodiba says:
Getting drunk didn’t occur to anyone?
D.J. Paris says:
Dammit! If only I didn’t stop drinking this would have been an excellent solution.
Boodiba says:
Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t know! Is weed verboten too?
D.J. Paris says:
I’m down with inhaling paint thinner, but that’s about it these days. Lame!
Boodiba says:
Well now I know why you had a hard time answering your therapist. I don’t have one. I’m just letting my own crazy ferment & grow stronger. But if I had to answer I’d say 1) vent on Twitter and in general around the workplace with copious, creative swearing, and 2) booze. Personally I don’t inhale anymore either because the vaporizers seem too clinical.
Oh – sometimes online shopping can be very soothing but of course you have to respect the limits of your budget.
Vanessa Terrell says:
I have to agree with everyone…massage rates really high with me! Listening to some upbeat music also helps and cooking some of my favorite foods tends to help as well! Thanks for sharing!
D.J. Paris says:
I’ll look into the massage thing – there’s always deals on Groupon. Or I could just go to one of those seedy places… Kidding.
Francene Stanley says:
I love this idea of soothing yourself. I’d never thought of it before. Like you, I can’t imagine anything. But I’ll give it some thought. You’re right about listening when your body tells you to sleep. I guess that’s the most soothing thing I could do too.
D.J. Paris says:
Sleep is the ultimate soother!
Dilly King says:
Bleh
D.J. Paris says:
Best comment of the day.
Sophie Bowns says:
You should try meditation. I find it really beneficial 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
I do it, and then I usually pass out in the middle. Of course, I’m laying down in my bed at the time…
PunchAB says:
Quick, somebody call the Whaaaaaaambulance!
D.J. Paris says:
They were busy carting you away at the time.
Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings says:
I had no idea how to self-soothe, which was why I drank. I’m trying not to overeat instead (which is hard), and do healthy things. Running for an hour sure feels better than eating a gallon of ice cream…
Shay says:
Yep! I have been learning that actually feeling my feelings sucks, BUT instead of trying to eat my way through pizza and then stopping at Olive Garden to eat them out of spaghetti taking the time to understand what is going on makes it so much easier.
I might be signing up for a massage now too LOL
Mari Corona says:
Omg you are too much I don’t know if it’s ok to laugh or to stay in serious mode. I am going to do both plus suggest you soothe yourself with a great hot shower or a bathe, maybe nice bowl of your favorite ice cream (in moderation) :), or perhaps pick up a hobby! Napping is great but not sure if that won’t get old soon:) Great share
Milsma says:
I put on my PJs and robe and allow myself to nap, watch movies and read for hours with ZERO guilt. For me it’s all about having a period of distraction.
Chris Carter says:
Ah- yes, who can’t relate to this??!! No one likes to stay in their ‘discomfort’- but truly, listening to your feelings and honoring them by doing so, is where the lift comes from, eh?
Laura says:
“write jokes on Twitter so people tell me I’m funny”
literally story of my life