Just kidding. They’re gross.
At BlogHer with 5k women present, 4902 of them were moms. There’s a lot of oxytocin floating around in the ether. Wait, does oxytocin float in the air like pheromones? Just Google’d it. Nope.
Anyhow, tons of mommers were at the conference and many of them are first-timers and new to the job. I call it a job because most of my readers are women and that sort of shit makes them feel good about me. Truthfully, the only types of jobs are the ones that generate income for the family. OH NO HE DI’INT!
That joke said in a roomful of BlogHer attendees would have resulted in a spent tampon being hurled at my face.
Mothers have the most important job in the world, in my opinion. But I also thought spaghetti came from the sea, so what do I know?
Since going through my divorce and three years of weekly therapy plus a ton of support groups, I have become quite compassionate. When someone shares intimately I can finally feel some of their sadness, joy, shame, or anger. I tend to be most receptive to sadness as I’ve dealt with a lot of that in the past year.
One of the topics of conversation heard time and time again was about mothers being away from their children for the weekend. I was amazed that many moms told me this was the first trip away. Apparently moms don’t get out much. This seems un-fun. I expected only a sad, depressing response so I was ready to feel their pain.
But when I asked several moms how they felt about being away from home I received polar opposite responses.
- Yes, I’m very sad and I miss my children terribly. It’s very hard to be here. Excuse me while I drown myself in the toilet.
- Thank God I’m away from those filthy monsters! It’s my husband’s problem now. Screw ’em!
It seemed that the mothers who were sad were the ones that had never been away. And once they had spent a weekend alone leaving the kids with the lesser half, they were able to go on vacation without fear or shame. Dad isn’t going to let the children explode. And, even if he does, you can always make more! Our bodies are cool that way.
So, if you’re a mom that can’t stand the thought of being away from the little ones, you simply haven’t been away enough. Go ahead and leave them for a girls’ weekend down to Panama City Beach like you did sophomore year. Pick up a bottle of Schnapps and some glitter makeup and shake that ass at Senior Frog’s in your gross old mom jeans.
Let me put it to you this way. At BlogHer, Trojan was giving away free vibrators. There was also a booth with children’s vitamin gift bags. Which line do you think was longer for the freebies?
By the way, my girlfriend made me stand in that dildo line with ten other women. It’s a little creepy to have a guy listening to a short lecture on the different tongue-tips that Trojan now offers that stimulate four separate g-spots in a woman. But, I stood there and waited. I’m a great partner, no?
And I can’t wait to have children to then spend the weekend away from them. I’ll head to BlogHer with the girls.
Becky G says:
How the hell did I not know this happened in Chicago??? This has become a priority issue for when I get back to the states. Enjoy some ribs for me, I sure as hell ain’t getting any over here.
D.J. Paris says:
Becky G Yeah, but at least you do not get to see people kissing in movies.
Becky G says:
tfpHumorBlog I’m lost, how is that a good thing? Bollywood is changing my friend. There is kissing now.
D.J. Paris says:
Becky G The western devil has poisoned Bollywood. I for one and shocked and appalled. For shame!
Becky G says:
tfpHumorBlog I know, right? I am totally gobsmacked at what’s ok these days.
D.J. Paris says:
Becky G What’s not okay is men touching women in public. Those are my own private rules. C’mon!
ArieFras says:
I’m moving to Chicago.
D.J. Paris says:
ArieFras Great! Once you get settled I’ll allow you to make me dinner! Lobster it is!
ArieFras says:
tfpHumorBlog I live on the coast, so we have an abundance of lobster here. It’s a fair trade 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
ArieFras Still waiting on my lobster invitation…
ArieFras says:
tfpHumorBlog Lobster season is year-round here, so if you ever stop in Eastern Canada–as in east of Toronto and Montreal, there will be lobster. It’s kind of our thing.
ArieFras says:
tfpHumorBlog Lobster season is year-round here, so if you ever stop in Eastern Canada–as in east of Toronto and Montreal, there will be lobster. It’s kind of our thing.
ArieFras says:
tfpHumorBlog Lobster season is year-round here, so if you ever stop in Eastern Canada–as in east of Toronto and Montreal, there will be lobster. It’s kind of our thing.
workingdan says:
I can make some killer ribs! I should take my award winning potential on the road! I can dream can’t I? I live in small town Indiana, no such events ever take place in my area.
D.J. Paris says:
workingdan Yes, but maybe they’ll have a Burger Barn that will come to town just like in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. How exciting!
workingdan says:
tfpHumorBlog Funny you should mention that. We had a Burger Barn that went out of business many years ago. Then a couple years ago our town opened up a sonic….6 months later it went under! lol What I should do is open up my own rib shack… that will give the people something to get excited about. There isn’t a place in town where you can get some killer ribs!
D.J. Paris says:
workingdan Do it and invite me to the grand opening! I’ll give it my blessing.
WhateverJo says:
Your neighborhood sounds charming. I prefer the colorful crazies to suburban lawn nazis. I installed livefyre & you’re right, it’s really awesome–thank you!
D.J. Paris says:
WhateverJo The people at LF emailed me today thanking me for the referral. Ha. They are so nice. If you ever have any issues, just email them – they rock. So, when is my painting going to be done?
WhateverJo says:
tfpHumorBlog Of course I had issues, and let them know immediately! I’m super helpful that way. I gave you credit for the referral so you should get a free tv or turbo nose trimmer or something. Maybe I’ll doodle you.
D.J. Paris says:
WhateverJo I’m absolutely not kidding when I tell you that mom (who is a super fashionable chic woman) asked me to buy her an electric nose hair trimmer for Mother’s Day. Hilarious.
JennaTest says:
test…
RichardAllenRH says:
@cmajaski @tfpHumorBlog hmmm…ribs.
D.J. Paris says:
RichardAllenRH Hmmm… okay.
dadblunders says:
I love ribs! I need to come to this festival!
D.J. Paris says:
dadblunders Are you a Chicago person? I forget…
dadblunders says:
tfpHumorBlog I wish but don’t hold it against me for not being one. I have been to Chicago though so maybe that will make up for my lack of being from there. I had lived in Kansas City for very long time until we moved back to our home town a couple of years ago. When we lived in Kansas city we went to many different BBQ festivals so I have a definitive taste for BBQ and I am always looking for new places to try.
D.J. Paris says:
dadblunders Yes, but Gates is pretty awesome.
Lady J says:
True story: The lead singer of Smash Mouth (I think the replacement singer?) once hit my boyfriend and I up for cocaine at a bar in LV. We don’t sell coke, so he got irritated and began screaming at everyone in the bar. He was scary as hell. Stay for the ribs and steer clear of the band!
D.J. Paris says:
Lady J Well, for that reason and the fact that the music sucks. Great story, though!
Kelly Damian says:
Hilarious! As a mom I have to say, those “I miss my kids” people are real buzz-kills. We try to get them drunk first so we don’t have to deal with them. Also, is your comment section out of whack or do I have very poor reading comprehension?
JeanL says:
I missed my oldest the first time we left him overnight (and it was less than24 hours!). However, I quickly got over that and now relish any getaways. I’m pretty sure they don’t miss us because they get spoiled by Grandma and Grandpa anyway! I am also one of “those mom” that counts down to the start of the school year! (29 days by the way)
And why are there a bunch of comments about ribs from a month ago?
inthemomlight says:
Whew… I was worried that you were really going to have a baby. It’s nice to hear that a man can “learn” empathy. I thought it was extinct from the entire male population.
about100percent says:
As a stay-at home mom, I’ve spent so much time trying to get away from my kids that I’ve cultivated an extremely judgmental reaction to moms who have never left their kids to take as much as an extended bathroom break. “WHAT? You MISS your kids when you’re away? What a CRYBABY!” Thank you for reminding me to be compassionate.
Sandra says:
Of the two types of mom you describe, I am definitely the latter. If I start missing the little tyrants I squelch those feelings in a hurry. I know I’ll be home soon enough and wishing I was gone again.
Gwennie says:
Standing in line for a complimentary vibe for your amazing closet-constructing girlfriend TOTALLY = true love! CONGRATS! PS — DEFINITELY going to BlogHer ’13 now that you mentioned dildos. Dammmmmmmn!
Craziness Abounds says:
I’ve left my kids several times for a weekend but I still call and check in and wonder if they are doing ok the whole time. And the guilt… it last until about the third sex on the beach! Then I kinda forget everything till the next morning.
I’d have been in line with you my friend. Hell of a line to be in. Those things are expensive!
RachRiot says:
I have two spawn and I take two trips away per year. Coincidence? No. If I didn’t take those trips somebody gonna die. I leave my husband in charge and I don’t feel one iota of guilt. I don’t care what they do when I’m gone, I call and check in but I’m usually drunk when i do.
Speaking of dildos, please read my blog this week about that very subject!! Thanks!
Gwennie says:
@RachRiot Link to your dildo blog, please! Sounds very intriguing, I mean, interesting/informative/helpful/fun. 🙂 HA!
RachRiot says:
@Gwennie http://www.rachriot.com
Thanks! And enjoy… 😉
Juststuff3 says:
What?!? Ribs and babies?!? Baby back ribs?!? Yummm – on the ribs…boo on the babies….love them both but only if the babies are someone else’s and I get to eat the ribs
Marisa says:
I wasn’t even at BlogHer (boo!) but this post is hilarious. I would have been one of the “screw ’em” moms! Don’t judge me. Glad you had fun 🙂 I’m hoping to go next year…
Debi TruthfulMommy says:
I just fucking died laughing and may have pissed myself a little bit ( damn babies. Damn big heads!)
D.J. Paris says:
tfpHumorBlog Lobster season is year-round here, so if you ever stop in Eastern Canada–as in east of Toronto and Montreal, there will be lobster. It’s kind of our thing.
D.J. Paris says:
@Kelly Damian You have poor reading comprehension. Plus you’re sort of a poop. True!
D.J. Paris says:
@JeanL Oh, I had a problem with comments. I think it’s fixed now. Thanks for reading!
D.J. Paris says:
@inthemomlight I can feel for your struggle. Unless you’re a minority. Then I just laugh at you.
D.J. Paris says:
@about100percent Well, feelings are never wrong (sadness, etc.) but I believe most moms like to control their children because it makes them feel empowered. Because the adult hasn’t learned independence. Just my $.02.
ImAndreaandYoureNot says:
Babies give you extra comedic material and a better tax return….just do it for that reason…I won’t judge. By the way spread the word if any other cool conferences are in the Chicago area. It would be worth a trip. I love my 4 kids but I’m not a ‘sad school break is over’ freak.
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) says:
That was hilarious, as usual, D.J.!