On the way home from work riding my bike ten miles I realized I had nothing to write about for tonight. This is not uncommon and often I sit in front of the keyboard for many minutes trying to come up with content.
For some reason this thought popped into my head seemingly from nowhere:
I wish I had kidney stones so I could pass them because that would give me two weeks of blog material.
I’d like to clarify that I have a low tolerance for pain. I’m not a fan. I doubt I would enjoy passing a kidney stone. But still, in my fantasy mind, I decided it would make a perfect story. Plus, the sound of the crystallized calcium shooting out of my urethra and hitting the side of the bowl with a loud “ding” would be funny.
This is how immature I am. I know that it’s supposed to be one of the most painful experiences for men. But in that moment I was actually sad I didn’t have kidney stones to write about. Since it’s clear that I don’t have kidney stones, I had to move into another thought. One that I’ve had for years.
I would like to grow out my mustache and beard for charity, and wax it all off.
One time I sort of did this. I grew out my mustache for five days and then used some wax stuff. I could only peel it slowly off and felt every hair being yanked from the root. It hurt so bad I could only do one third of the ‘stache. If I had been able to rip it clean off, it probably wouldn’t have been so intense. That was the first and only time I ever waxed any of my face.
I’ve gone so far into this fantasy that I’ve even searched and found beard waxing videos on Youtube. Done properly it actually doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. One guy did it for Mo’vember which I have participated in the past. I even sent him a personal message asking about it. He said it was great and that he didn’t have to shave for two weeks.
Would you pay to see me grow my beard out and get it waxed? I think it would be hilarious. Yes, I’d cry and bleed, but it would give me at least two days’ worth of stories.
Now, lest you think I am unable to grow said beard and mustache, I say, “Quiet naysayers!” Sure, I’m not a hairy Italian slob, but I still have to shave every day. It’s mostly blonde and brown, with a little red thrown in. Wouldn’t you care to see it ripped at the root?
Ooh… maybe for an extra hundred bucks I’d let the waxer dump a little rubbing alcohol on the skin afterwards. That would really make for great video. Plus, you’d see me punch an aesthetician right in her face. This is sounding better and better.
So, is there something psychologically unsound about me that I have a beard waxing fantasy? My other fantasies generally involve pizza. I’m a simple man.
Interestingly enough, waxing my chest (and I am pretty hairy there) does not appeal to me at all. I’m not against the idea, but I wouldn’t seek it out. Plus, I don’t want my nips to get ripped off on that sugarwax concoction.
Stephen says:
That picture at the end makes me squeamish…
The thought of all of my chest hair being ripped off like that makes me so sad….
As for face waxing – for 6 years I couldn’t have a beard…and now I can. A !!!!!GLORIOUS!!!! red beard. That shit is never going away again.
non_girlfriend says:
Try a bikini wax. Quite fun if you are the masochistic type.
Meredith L says:
@non_girlfriend I was also going to suggest a bikini wax. But with a video taken from the shoulders-up only. Please.
MicheleLeAnn says:
I personally would stick to the pizza fantasies. I mean, while some experience heart burn, I’d wager pizza is the much less painful way to go. But hey, to each his own. 😀
Craziness Abounds says:
Having first hand knowledge and having written about my experience I highly recommend you NOT do that. Of course mine was in a super sensitive area and we messed it up. Yes I say we because my husband helped then payed for the pain I endured at his hands. (seemed fair since it was his idea in the first place)
inthemomlight says:
Did you once pose this question on yahoo answers? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110127113248AAMLJEg
ViolaFury says:
@you showed up just in the nick of time; I was just about to die of PD. But then you came along and saved me with this utterly ridiculous before and after picture and forced me to live on. GD! Why! Why, I ask, do you force me onward, when all I want to do is lie here under my keyboard and drool and jibber insanely in Andi-roo’s direction! What is wrong with us! Answer me! But, nay! You force me, no! You flog me to life to slaver on, or flavor, whichever. You are too clever, by half! Do not mention this! To anyone. I’m in the moonlight. I’m raving now. Baker act me. Go on. Mary. I’ll be back for tea later, Which side is the evil side? After your minions have chosen. ViolaFury
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
Trust me, you don’t want kidney stones. I’ve had them several times. You’d be too busy screaming indecipherable expletives while curled up in the fetal position crying for your mama to even remember what a blog is. Oucha!
dadblunders says:
I just want you to know you made me cringe at the simple thought of doing it at all!!! Just the thought of the pain associated with it would be to the point of heart stopping in my mind!
Here I tell you what….I will gladly donate a kidney stone to you! I have a history of them. They aren’t fun either! My wife made fun of me and told me if I wanted true pain go have a child! I tried explaining to her that at least she was equipped to pass something in that area. As a man we aren’t equipped to pass anything down there. Amazingly she still had no sympathy for me!
I seriously have no problem giving you my next kidney stone! You could have lots of extra writing material that way and I could have a pain free kidney. I would even sympathize with your pain.
Aaron
D.J. Paris says:
@dadblunders Your wife sounds like a delight. And yes, please send me your next kidney stone. That would be hilarious and a great cross post!
D.J. Paris says:
@ModMomBeyondIndieDom I didn’t know chicks could get them! But after childbirth I can’t imagine it’s a huge deal. But apparently I’m wrong!
D.J. Paris says:
@ViolaFury @you I’m not sure what PD is but I hope it’s a really funny disease like the “shanks.” Explain!
D.J. Paris says:
@inthemomlight That made me laugh like I haven’t in a very long time. Thank you K!
D.J. Paris says:
@non_girlfriend Yes, see above response.
D.J. Paris says:
@non_girlfriend Not a terrible idea. I was always curious on what my nuts would look like bleeding.
D.J. Paris says:
C’mon – wax it just once. We can do it together!
D.J. Paris says:
@Craziness Abounds Oh, he made you wax your ashy elbows? I totally get it.
D.J. Paris says:
@MicheleLeAnn I am a lucky one never to have had heartburn. But, then again, I was born special.
Reddirtsweetie says:
Hey you know I’m an Esthy by trade so if you ever get a wild hair up your ass ( pun intended) come on over Imnot squeamish Ill wax ya. But the only alcohol involved will be the drinking afterwards????
viewdetails http://shirleywweo.wikispaces.com/six+Reclaimed+Wood+Projects+For+Do-it-yourselfers http://scottyeatu.soup.io/post/407977343/6-Reclaimed-Wood-Projects-For-Do-it http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3763055/journal/9442447 http://www.savingsdail says:
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit,
but other than that, this is magnificent blog. A
great read. I will definitely be back.