In the past I’ve written about how awesome it is to find white hairs on my girlfriend’s head and plucking them. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.
While Jessica is visiting I try to carve three minutes each day to search her extremely thick and luxurious hair for white follicles. But now I have a new obsession.
Yanking off rear dewclaws from chihuahuas.
If you’re not familiar with the awesomeness that is a dewclaw, it’s that weird nail that starts a third of the way up a dogs leg on the side. I’m too lazy to look it up, but I’m pretty sure it never touches the ground. I think dogs can use it to grasp stuff. I’m not sure what dogs grasp, as my dog had a real issue with Elementary Physics. (Get it? A fuckin’ pun! I’m tired.)
Anyway, the other chihuahua that is staying with us, Dirk, has rear dewclaws. This is rare. Dewclaws are almost always on the front legs, not the rear. Jessica’s dog has ’em on both.
The other thing about dewclaws, especially those on hind legs, is that they grow a lot faster than the other nails. About twice as fast as I understand it. So when I was examining Dirk’s nails I noticed his one rear dewclaw were basically turning in on itself like those freaks from India in the Guinness Book of World Records. I mentioned this to Jessica and asked if I could clip it.
She never clips his nails because he screams bloody murder. She takes him into a pet store once a month and they do it. I looked at his other rear dewclaw and noticed it was missing. We later found it on the couch. He had jumped up earlier and somehow tore it right off, all the way down to the quick. I was staring at a perfect dewclaw ripped straight off his leg.
I grabbed the nail clippers to get the other one. He began acting like a dick trying to squirm out of getting the nail cut. It was near impossible to get under there as it had curled into an almost perfect circle. I put down the clippers and dug my own nail under his nail, to try to find the opening where I could jam the clippers under.
And then it snapped. Clear off, into my hands.
The dewclaw just magically left his body and landed in my palm. It was beautiful. I had two amazing dewclaws that just moments before was hanging off a dog.
I rolled them around in my hand. I scratched my face with them at the same time. I tried to figure out which one I liked better. I even attempted to see if I could pick my teeth with them. I could.
I tossed them after a few minutes. I’m no psycho. But I’m excited in about four weeks to rip off the new ones – maybe I’ll make a dewclaw bracelet and give it away to one of you. Admit it – you’d wear it to a cocktail party. It’s at least more fun that your grandmother’s pearls.
photo credit: Nottingham Vet School via photo pin cc
maryfran says:
That is so disgusting. So. Disgusting.
Retch.
D.J. Paris says:
@maryfran Oh wow, this is only a 1 on the grossness scale. You should leave and never come back. Trust me.
Sonja Rois says:
If you have the money to do so, you can actually take your dog into the vet and have them removed so that they don’t grow back. They are pretty much useless on any dog.
ksmith228 says:
@Sonja Rois if he had them removed he wouldn’t get to rip them off every four weeks. Why deny the man his insanity?
D.J. Paris says:
@ksmith228 @Sonja Rois K – you understand me.
Display Name says:
Well, I say – good for you! Sounds like you got yourself a nice new obsession there. One can never have too many obsessions. I just wonder what kind of person would take the time to rip these claws off only to toss them? There are people out here who don’t have access to such kind of claws who would love to pick their teeth too. I want pictures next time! I’ll be waiting….four weeks.
D.J. Paris says:
Her dog is gone back to ATL, but, and I’m not kidding here, I ask about the dew claws every third day. I love them.
pennjustin says:
I fear that this post will be an exhibit in a trial in which you are a defendant one day. So I respond in order to make myself a witness such that I am conflicted from being your lawyer in that trial. Thanks again for dinner last night, and please get the help you need on this claw issue.
D.J. Paris says:
I admit, when I was holding them up tickling my face that was both pleasurable and disturbing at the same time. It must have looked insane. All I know is it was insanely fun. Which is probably insane. Insane is a word I like!
Scanlan says:
Delfin as a psychiatrist I admire the authenticity of this post. You are awesome. I have walked in on you meditating in your underwear while eating mike and Ike candy. Recently I had a patient that could only have an orgasm if a women smashed a pie in his face right before climax. now that is strange
D.J. Paris says:
@Scanlan Steve – you’re not wrong. And my daily cocktail of Pristiq, Strattera, and Lamotrigine help keep me in line. Great creative way to address ADD without stimulant. I still “overly react” to what I perceive to be attacks (the Lamotrigine helps) and should I be checking out a different med for that? Also, I’d like to point out you’re just about the smartest guy I know. Ha.
Kristina says:
Completely unrelated question, because I’m trying not to process this post thoroughly enough to come up with a response . . . did someone (or enough someones) finally ask about the “No, this isn’t a website about the country” tag line? Or did you change it on your own?
D.J. Paris says:
I changed it with the new design. I think most people already knew, but I wanted a new tagline. Keep reading Kristizzle!
Tongue Sandwich says:
Disturbingly fascinating. I’m hooked. (Get it? A fuckin’ pun! I’m tired too.)