I Just Found Out I Spend More On My Haircuts Than My Girlfriend

by D.J. Paris on November 16, 2012

Many things that I write about are unexpected. Here’s another one.

I got my haircut last night and, while driving home, called Jessica (the girlfriend). Wait, I’d like to back up a step and complain about something. Okay, if you read my stuff you know I bicycle to work and it’s pretty strenuous. I go to one of these high-end salons in the Gold Coast of Chicago off Michigan Avenue. For three years I’ve been a patron, and for three years I’ve biked there. I arrive covered in sweat with the helmet, my gross bike clothes, and my dog in a backpack. They couldn’t be nicer about it. During the winter months I take the subway still with dog in tow.

Well, I needed to drive to work yesterday for some nonsense. I wrote the other day about how I have this nice car provided to me by my parents. One of the bummers of the Gold Coast is that there’s no parking. I called the salon to ask where to park. “Oh, we have valet!” I became excited in the prospect of a free valet service, basically unheard of in Chicago. She continued, “Yes – it’s only $12! Special pricing for our clients!” I did a big, “Harrumph!” and hung up.

Let me describe the scene as I’m as pulling up to the valet station. It’s me in my suit sitting my parent’s hand-me-down luxury car with a six pound chihuahua perched on the passenger seat. The guy says, “Sir, will the dog be coming with you?” I looked at him like, “Of course the dog is coming with me – um, I’m getting my haircut! Who doesn’t bring their dog into the salon?” In reality I mumbled a, “…yes.” Then I scooped her under my arm and exited the Jaguar.

I was telling my girlfriend this story afterwards and how I felt like a giant douche getting the car valeted and then walking into the salon with my dog (who was wearing a sweater). She asked me how much I spent on the haircut. I’m not a guy who likes fancy things – later on that night I picked up Pizza Hut. But the fact is I still have a full head of hair at thirty-six, despite Ashley (stylist) telling me I may be slightly thinning. “$55 – I know it’s a lot.” She then wondered if that included tip. “No, I tip $20 – $15 to Ashley and $5 to the hair washer.”

I would like to point out that I wear $60 dress shoes with my suit. Just saying, yo.

Jessica did the quick math and said, “Oh my. You spend more than twice as much as I do per year on my hair.” I was aghast. This is not what a straight man wants to hear. How could this be? Birds spend a fortune getting their hair done, don’t they?

Well, not if you don’t need coloring. Jessica has thick, brown hair. Four times a year she gets it trimmed at $60 a pop. I spend $75 every six weeks.

Sure, it’s not my cheapest expense, but I buy the generic dental floss. So, it’s sort of even.

dental floss

If I were this woman’s husband I would smack her hands and say, “You’re using too much – too much, goddammit!” Women respect confidence.

photo credit: pattyanne:made via photopin cc

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30 comments… read them below or add one

Katjaneway November 16, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I get my hair cut every 8 weeks at $50 a pop including tip. I really like my hair stylist too. I never used to have one. I grew up going to super cuts etc for $8 haircuts and waited like 6 months between. But I really don’t have the kind of hair u can just “let go” like that. Too thick and curly and crap. I went to this place on a whim because I had a coupon. They paired me with Oliver, who also enjoys World of Warcraft, and I’m never going back to that old way ever again! lol

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Katjaneway I still need to send you the avocado earrings! Will do shortly. Send me your address!

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RachRiot November 17, 2012 at 12:07 am

Oh lordy– this is a touchy subject around here because I spend an ass load on my hair. Cut and color. It’s around 200 bucks a month. That’s right, two bills. My husband always acts shocked and it’s been going on for 15 years. Sorry, but I need highlights every month. Dark roots are my own personal kryptonite.

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

RachRiot As a natural blonde I cannot relate. Basically you’re living a lie. For shame.

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Ellen at Defenestrated Feet November 17, 2012 at 12:12 am

I cut my own hair. It has some wave and curl so I can do stuff like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1SVhIr_-6M and it will be really forgiving of any small inconsistencies.
Cost? One-time investment of $15 for good scissors.

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D.J. Paris November 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Ellen at Defenestrated Feet As a dude, I’m not sure it would work the same. Plus my stylist is a beauty pageant queen, so that’s something fun to watch as I’m sitting there.

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KateHall November 17, 2012 at 7:47 am

1. You eat a lot of pizza. But Pizza Hut? You live in a city famous for its pizza and you’re choosing PH?
2. Great Clips. Sometimes there are even coupons in the mail/Sunday paper for a $6.95 haircut…but you don’t get the wash.
3. Laughed out loud at this post, as I pretty much do with all of them.

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

KateHall I eat chicago pizza almost exclusively. I just had forgotten if Pizza Hut sucked or not (hadn’t had it in probably five years). Great Clips is for dudes with shitty hair. Can’t do it. :)

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KateHall November 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

tfpHumorBlog You’re a commenting fool today. So, did it suck or not. I vote for suck.

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OldDogNewTits November 17, 2012 at 8:27 am

First of all, I spend way more on my hair than you do because I like to play with color. I, too, am a very low maintenance person who spends very little on anything but my hair is my Achilles heel. Your girlfriend is actually quite frugal in this department
Secondly, you might explain to her that it could be worse. Upon my initial reading of your story title, I didn’t read it as you spend more on your hair than your girlfriend spends on her hair. I read it as you spend more on your hair than you spend on your girlfriend.
Now THAT would be just sad. :)

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

OldDogNewTits You do change your hair color a lot. You’re not the first person that read the title that way – I never even thought of that. Hilarious.

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MicheleLeAnn November 17, 2012 at 9:47 am

Lol, you said “bird”.  Who says that anymore?  :D

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

MicheleLeAnn It’s a great word that really never gets used. I’m bringing it back!

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janesadek November 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

My husband went and bought a clipper so he could cut his own hair.  Since he was frequenting the local no appointment cheapo salon, he does about as good a job as the neophytes at the bargain joints.  Then he offered to do mine.  I laughed and headed to the salon for my usual $150ish visit – but I am of a certain age and have to color it.  The cut’s not that much.

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

janesadek If I want more blonde than I normally have, I just go hang in the sun for 45 min. That’s the difficult cost of my life. Ha.

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AdrienneAudrey November 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

Don’t worry about spending too much money on your hair. Everyone needs something to indulge in to make themselves feel good.  Some people get massages or their nails done or spend money on clothing. You deserve to do something nice for yourself to feel good. Don’t feel guilty about it!

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

AdrienneAudrey I get massages from Thai prostit… You know what, I should keep that to myself.

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AdrienneAudrey November 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

tfpHumorBlog AdrienneAudrey  Hey, like I said- do what you got to do to make yourself feel good…

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 1:12 am

AdrienneAudrey tfpHumorBlog My modeling glue habit appreciates that comment.

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SteveWalters November 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

tfpHumorBlog At least those are cheaper than $75!

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 1:12 am

SteveWalters This is true. Plus, I pull a gun on them so they don’t go to the cops after I stiff ‘em on the tip.

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stazmaniadevil November 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I cut hair… I would love you as a client. When I worked in the industry (when I lived in Wisconsin) I worked at The Barbershop. It was a high end look and feel for the low end cost. The haircuts were only 10 bucks and that included your hair washed and a shoulder massage and a hot towel. Years later I am still talk about how great of a place it is, not only to work, but to go as well. I used to get estatic for the $10 tips. I have even got some larger than that but it is rare. But I just want to say – can I cut your hair!! I like the big spenders! :)

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D.J. Paris November 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

stazmaniadevil Is this the same place as MensRoomBarbershop where I order all my hair products?

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Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom November 17, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I read the title that way too. haha  Hey, you’re a better tipper than me.  And yes, hair is that one thing I splurge on.  I get massages too, but that’s mind/body/chi maintenance, man!

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 1:07 am

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom I need to get a massage. Checking Groupon now!

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Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom November 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

tfpHumorBlog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom I’m reading the title of your latest post…omg! me too! oh…wait…did i just admit that…online…?…never mind….good tweezers, that’s all I’m gonna say…

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ViolaFury November 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Haven’t pestered ya in a while and I chose the perfect topic to weigh in on. So you get the ‘hood’s opinion, yo, straight from Nebraska Ave., 33605. Why not? I gotz a lady who does my grill for 10 bucks, next door to where they bust out the bangers and the tats and hos be splittin’ it, no?
I say go for it. I have red, curly hair at age 56. Luckily, I can get away with doing very little to it. I had the years of doing the spa treatment and all that at 100 bucks a pop, when I was playing viola professionally and on stage. It’s all good. I loved hearing about the dog and subway. Didn’t know she could go on Rapid Transit. My cat cannot here. The damned zombies here would eat her.

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 1:07 am

ViolaFury Currently heading over to your house thanks to Google Maps. Please have some cookies ready. Thanks!

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ttoombs08 November 18, 2012 at 5:27 am

If I could find a place around here that could cut hair without everyone coming out of the salon wearing the same 80s style, I would probably splurge on myself. Instead, I’m growing it out and doing the “stay at home mom ponytail” style. Hubby is stylin the “I shave my own head cuz I’m thinnin’ a tad” thing.
What we save on haircuts, he blows on shoes and boots. If that man were a woman, he’s be giving Imelda Marcos a run for her money in the shoe department.
And Pizza Hut? Seriously?!

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 10:22 am

ttoombs08 I’m not proud of Pizza Hut.

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