So Apparently I’m Going Bald

bald dj
Yes, it's an ultra creepy stare, but it's an ultra creepy stare from a non-balding man.

I was getting my hair cut today which I do every six weeks.  I’ve been going to M Salon for three years.  It’s really nice and they let me bring my dog.

My hair stylist has become a friend.  I tell her everything that’s going on in my life.  She’s really good at cutting hair, too.  She also won Best Body during the Miss Illinois pageant, so she’s not awful to stare at in the mirror.

ashley coffman
Sure, she's pretty, but my girlfriend is like 10x prettier. (see what I did there?)

Today as we were finishing up she asked, “Is this short enough?”

Sure – I mean, what do I know?  You’re the expert.

Okay, well, I don’t think we should go as short as before.

Oh, short’s not in anymore?

Well, no, I mean, see… the thing is, your hair has changed a bit.

How’s that?

Okay, please don’t get mad.  I think your hair has become more, well, fine.


Haven’t you noticed that it’s not quite as thick…

I’m fucking going bald?

No!  It’s just not as full…

But I’ve never found even a hair on the pillow!

I knew you would take this the wrong way.  You’re NOT going bald.

My mother’s father died with a full head of hair, I’ll let you know.

We just should keep it a little longer, that’s all I’m saying.

I’ve never even found one hair on my pillow!

I shouldn’t have said anything.

It’s all I have, Ashley.  I’m not kidding.

Your hair is great.  Blonde.  Luxurious.

I don’t drink, so I’m heading to Chik-fil-A to get two sandwiches.  Then, I’ll cry.


It’s bound to happen.  Yes, you don’t get to take your cash with you, your pets, your family, or even your hair when you die.  It’s all temporary stuff, and it goes away.  I somehow think I’m special because at 35 I’m still blonde with tons of hair.  But at 55 it won’t be blonde and will be thinning.  Or maybe gone altogether.

I’m kind of excited to find out what my bald head looks like.  Will it be shaped all perfect, or have weird ridges and bumps?  Will I find some killer mole that I didn’t know I had?  And do people get skull zits?

Well, I hope you go bald before me, that’s all I’m sayin’.

bald dj
Yes, it's an ultra creepy stare, but it's an ultra creepy stare from a non-balding man in denial.