I Can’t Stop Obsessing About The One Hair That Grows Sideways On The Underside of My Chin

by D.J. Paris on November 17, 2012

There is one hair that grows on the underside of my chin pointed the wrong direction.

I shave with an electric razor which does a good job in that area. It’s completely smooth when I’m finished. Except for that one hair. No matter how many times I go over that spot in whichever direction it doesn’t get cut. If I don’t shave for a few days and then use the razor, it does get cut, but just the same as if I shaved every day.

In other words, there is always one rogue whisker I can feel under my chin.

I only found the hair about a year ago. For some reason I was stroking the underside of my face intently. I was most likely engaged in some deep thinking and assumed the appropriate posture. Or maybe I was sitting on the toilet practicing my Rodin (as I’m known to do). Either way, I found imperfection.

And it bugs the shit out of me.

Now, my body is riddled with imperfection. I don’t expect my head hair to sit “just so” or my abs to lay flat or even the scar on my fanny to disappear. None of that stuff bothers me. But, for some reason I am consumed with the idea of removing this wayward follicle. I suppose this is normal. You see a white head hair, and if you have just a few, you pluck them.

By the way, single ladies, if you have a boob hair or two – don’t let the next guy who sleeps with you to find them. This happened to me once. I found three big ones on a young lovely, and mind you, I wasn’t looking for them. She was Italian, so this made sense. If you’re a married woman your husband is probably fantasizing about somebody else anyway, so feel free to grow ‘em out.

Here’s the rub with my funky chin hair. It’s too small to pluck. After a day of growth it gets chopped down by the razor. Too short to yank but long enough where I can feel it. I’ll grab tweezers, sit on the counter in my bathroom, and try to find it. It’s nearly impossible to see, and even when I do it’s half of a half of a millimeter. The tweezers can’t grab unless I get lucky.

Now, why can’t I ignore the hair, like I ignore the extra fifteen pounds of fat I carry? I don’t know. I just can’t. It bothers me like nothing else.

When I feel the hair I only have one thought each time I feel it. THIS MUST BE REMOVED. Sometimes I’ll wait until the next morning so that a full day of growth may allow for a pluck. Other times I try to grab it with my fingernails while watching television. I’ll do the tweezers thing at night while brushing my teeth.

Over the last year I’ve become skilled at grabbing it. Once I feel it, within two days I’ll be able to grab it with the tweezers and yank. It’s the most satisfying feeling to remove it and then rub the chin. All the stubble then feels exactly the same. Perfection is restored.

Last night was one of these instances. I got lucky and yanked the hair. For an hour I stroked that smooth (rough) area of my beard with delight. But now, on Saturday night, I admit that I miss the hair.

I’m so used to the struggle of removing the hair that I don’t feel normal with it being gone. The beard hair will return in about seven to ten days, but even tonight I find myself rubbing the area in hopes I can find another one just like it. I guess it would give me something to do, or an easy obstacle to hurdle. I have no idea why this is an obsession, albeit a benign one.

I know we all have our quirks, but I can’t be the only person who obsesses about a funky hair. I’m amazed how often I find myself saying, “You’re thirty-six and just spent ten minutes with tweezers trying to grab a hair that is going to grow back in ten days and that you’ll miss within an hour of plucking it.”

I think I may need to get out more.

white hair

This is similar to the one Jessica found growing out of the side of my head while we were on the subway. I’m pretty sure I ate it.

photo credit: Chris Pirillo via photopin cc

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20 comments… read them below or add one

Katjaneway November 17, 2012 at 11:42 pm

This disturbing. I wonder how much it would cost to get one follicle laser removed. lol

Reply

D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

Katjaneway But then how could I obsess about it?! You don’t understand me at all. Ha.

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MicheleLeAnn November 18, 2012 at 2:07 am

I have a mole on my right calf that grows a very thick wiry hair.  Every once in awhile, I go a bit cavewoman, and let it grow out, so I can play with it for 5 minutes, then tweeze the bejesus out of it!  It’s one of the most satisfying feelings ever.  Gross, but satisfying.

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

MicheleLeAnn Hilarious. I totally get it.

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robinflamm November 18, 2012 at 2:17 am

I am ashamed to say that I can totally relate. But glad to know that I’m not alone in my shame, yet amazing satisfaction.

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

robinflamm Plucking hairs is the best thing ever. Glad we’re brothers. Uh, sisters. I’m not sure.

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kathym425 November 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

I was about to suggest you ask your girlfriend to pluck it for you when you talked about having such a hard time getting it but then I realized that the “hunt” is the fun part.   We all need a challenge in our lives to keep things interesting ;)

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

kathym425 The hunt is the best part!!!

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robinflamm November 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

I’m your sis. One question, do you stop if you bleed?

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

robinflamm Jesus – I’m not a psycho. I don’t pick until I bleed. Tell me you don’t do this.

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KateHall November 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

You need to put a warning on this post to not consume or be within a 25 foot radius of any type of food while reading this. My gag-reflex kicked in when I saw that picture. I had to put my salted cashews down. And they had been good.

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 4:52 pm

KateHall I’m just glad you’re eating cashews. They’re great. And plucking hairs freak you out? I didn’t write about peeing in the sink – which I also do.

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KateHall November 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

tfpHumorBlog yeah, I read that post too, but I wasn’t EATING while reading it. It was funny too though.

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Julie DeNeen November 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Ummm…I have had a random here and there, but never a boob hair?! You never cease to amaze me with the things you write about.

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Julie DeNeen Boob hairs are no good. Congrats.

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Gwennie November 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Just thought you were a total freakshow until the last pic/caption where you said you probably “ate it” with regards to the rogue pube, or whatever the hell it was.  OMG.  You friggin’ crack my ass UP!  That being said, you are odd. And that is why I adore you.  :)

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D.J. Paris November 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Gwennie I’ll check with Jessica but I’m certain I ate it. But I also ate a skin tag once. I like to eat stuff.

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robinflamm November 18, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I’m a psycho. Once I’ve decided I want it out…

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D.J. Paris November 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

robinflamm We should just go ahead and marry. Be miserable together.

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