Fun in the Bedroom – The D.J. Way

by D.J. Paris on November 26, 2013

Yesterday I wrote about how I can fall asleep faster than Jessie Owens sprinting to the bathroom with diarrhea.

Nice – I managed to work in a Jessie Owens reference. Need to update my references. Not very timely.

Since I spend more time on my back than the ladies of a Thai cathouse, I thought I’ve give you some ways to spice up things in the bedroom. No this list isn’t dirty. You can figure out your own grossness. I’m talking about the purity of awesome that is sleeping.

If you’re bored like me with a standard bedtime routine, here’s a few ways I change things from time to time.

  • The Bed and Breakfast

For this you need two bedrooms. Sorry studio and one-bedders. You’ll have to aspire to this one. Here’s what you do – visit your guest bedroom like you’d be checking into a Connecticut getaway. Put on new sheets (change them from the last time you had overnight visitors – you know you never changed them last time) and get ready for some fun. If you have a partner make sure to let them know they are not invited. Remember, this is your vacation. You’ll wake up refreshed and slightly confused that you’re in a strange room that you normally never visit. Sure the mattress is second-hand and hides some cat pee stains, but who cares? You’re on holiday!

  • Go to Bed High

No drugs involved here. I don’t do them and you shouldn’t either. Unless, of course you’re more fun on them. Actually I don’t care what you do. Anyway, here’s a way to get legally stoned and ensure that you have wild dreams. You must go out and purchase the extra-strength Breathe Right strips. These will f you up whether you have a deviated septum or not. You’ll be delivering twice the normal amount of O2 to your bloodstream and nervous system. I’m telling you, you’ll start flying around the room as soon as you close your eyes. You’ll wake up refreshed like you wouldn’t believe. Also, no hangover.

  • Clothes On

This is a new one that I’ve been working on. For the past two weeks I’ve slept with my clothes. I decided to see what it would be like if I went to bed fully dressed. I actually put on jeans and a short sleeved t-shirt. Oh, and socks. I had a theory that I wouldn’t wake up all sweaty. Hypothesis tested! I passed and awoke feeling like it was time to start the day. Give it a shot. But don’t sleep in your work clothes – that’s nasty. Do the decent thing. Take them off and then get redressed in going-out attire. Take your shoes off, though. You’re not a savage, for chrissakes.

  • Reverse SleepGirl

Sorry for the bad joke there. This one is simple. Just put your head where your feet should be. You’ll wake up all screwed up and feel like you’re in a strange place since the surroundings will be seen from a different perspective. The downside is that you have to redo your sheets and move the pillows six feet. But it’s worth it. Also, make sure your partner is going to participate. You don’t want a face-full of feet.

  • Floor

I only do this one a few times year. It’s like camping. You go to sleep on the carpet. I only have wood floors which makes it an extra challenge. I think it’s supposed to be good for your back, but what I am, some sort of doctor that specializes in backs and shit? All I know is that it’s fun and a total surprise to see if you’ll wake up crippled in the morning.

  • The Nirvana

Want to take a nap but don’t want to get your balls busted by the other half? Tell them that you need to meditate and head to the bedroom. Now the most common meditation position is the lotus with the finger tip circle thing, right? Well, if you want to go to sleep that shit is hard. I recommend lying down on your back. You’ll take some deep breaths, head to your private oasis, and then pass out within minutes. You’ll be in snoozeville for thirty minutes and have one good dream. Your stress will be reduced and nobody can accuse you of being lazy. Sure you might snore like a bastard but you can tell the wife it’s a new yogic breathing technique.

I do at least a few of these a week. It’s fun and a way to change up your old routine. Try one or two and see if you sleeping enjoyment increases. I mean, you’ll still dream of that college exam with the class you blew off all semester. Your therapist will have to help you with that one.

The Japanese Businessman

This one’s on my bucket list. I call it the Japanese Businessman.

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15 comments… read them below or add one

Penny Pace November 27, 2013 at 2:38 am

HOW DID I GET THE HONOR OF BEING YOUR FIRST COMMENTOR? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ME!!! YOU ARE A RIOT. TOOOOOOOOO FUNNY! I would appreciate if you could do me a ‘like’…..Here:
http://www.pureleverage.com/paceorlando1/ I know its not funny (as a matter of fact, not funny AT ALL). But it is MY EXPERIENCES, and I feel they’re WORTHY OF SHARING. THANKS FRIEND!

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D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Hi Penny,

Yes, it’s truly an honor. Ha! Thanks for all the nice compliments. Yes, I’ll go give you a like. Thanks!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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cindy November 28, 2013 at 3:58 pm

I live for naps. My dog is trained in only 1 thing. Naptime. But I’m old I deserve them.

Reply

D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:09 pm

I’m young and I deserve them. Ha.!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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michelle November 28, 2013 at 5:14 pm

AWESOME! I have to say, I found this article to be refreshing. I saw u on twitter (well, u found me first) so went to check u out ;). Surprisingly, I was shocked due to a lot of fake people trying to be something their not. Thanks, you made me laugh. HAPPY THANKSGIVING. LOL! Keep writing.

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D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Thanks, I’m only half-fake. Ha!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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Crystal December 4, 2013 at 6:03 pm

I love these. I cannot wait to try the strips!

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D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Keep me posted on your strip success!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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OdnoZaya December 5, 2013 at 4:17 am

Sleeping on the floor is a big challenge….lol

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D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:11 pm

No way – it’s the best! Try it!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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Nicolia Whyte December 10, 2013 at 12:37 am

I’m going to try those strips!

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D.J. Paris January 6, 2014 at 5:11 pm

Report back!
D.J. Paris recently posted…I Don’t Know Hold to Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em

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Maria Yates January 6, 2014 at 11:19 pm

You are too funny! I’m going to try sleeping with my clothes on. But no socks. Too hot!

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Maria Yates January 6, 2014 at 11:21 pm

You are too funny!! I’m going to try sleeping where my feet should be with my clothes on. But no socks. Too friggin’hot!

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Maria Yates January 6, 2014 at 11:26 pm

Ps i say everything twice. No not really. Just didn’t know what the F I was doing! Oops.

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