I Just Found Out I Spend More On My Haircuts Than My Girlfriend

If I were this woman's husband I would smack her hands and say, "You're using too much - too much, goddammit!" Women respect confidence.

Many things that I write about are unexpected. Here’s another one.

I got my haircut last night and, while driving home, called Jessica (the girlfriend). Wait, I’d like to back up a step and complain about something. Okay, if you read my stuff you know I bicycle to work and it’s pretty strenuous. I go to one of these high-end salons in the Gold Coast of Chicago off Michigan Avenue. For three years I’ve been a patron, and for three years I’ve biked there. I arrive covered in sweat with the helmet, my gross bike clothes, and my dog in a backpack. They couldn’t be nicer about it. During the winter months I take the subway still with dog in tow. READ MORE

I Have Two Neck Vaginas!

Hi, I'm trustworthy enough to take out your daughter! Make sure she is wearing something tight. Tight is good.

This one caught me off guard.

I put an event together at our office recently to offer free headshots to employees. I realized that I had not updated my own headshot in over eight years.

Since then I’ve become fatter which is something I can fix at anytime except I started eating candy three years ago and have only occasionally come up for air. READ MORE