Best Advertising Request EVER

Posted by D.J. on May 11, 2012 | 3 comments

Several months ago I started an advertising section on the site to help pay bills.  Thankfully I now have a good group of sponsors.  Their stuff is on the right over there.  Check it out!

By the way if you have a blog or product or service to promote, go ahead and click the advertising link on the right on up top.

Today I received, to date, my favorite advertising request ever.

Here it is in it’s entirety…

From: <xxxxxxx@aol.com>
Subject: Advertising Request

Message Body:
I’m a nomad traveler mostly Europe including Paris,Mont Blanc, Chamonix and more. I write about teaching in poor areas schools of Bushwick, Brooklyn, where drugs and destruction run rampant, about vegetarianism, and old country fig and blackberry wines. About my blood connection to Vampire Dracu, and I’m about to publish memoirs from the bloody hills of Transilvania, on dark waves of the Danubius a book called Nobody’s Child.

—–

I was, no… am.  I am, speechless.  None of these words made any bit of sense to me, yet I suspected there was brilliance in the patterns, like that freak from A Beautiful Mind.  I really didn’t know what to do with it.  So I did what I do best.

—–
Hi xxxxxx!

As a vampire hunter (I’ve killed four in the past quarter), I hope I do not invoke your ire.  Please accept my apologies and if the filthy creatures were tied to your bloodline, I beg forgiveness.  I also pulled out their fangs with pliers to sell on Ebay.  Got $50!

I am also a connoisseur of fig wine.  My friends goof on me for drinking what they call “pussy beer” but they don’t have a mature palette like us.

Nobody’s Child is my favorite Aerosmith song.  Oh wait, that was Nobody’s Fault.  Ignore.

Sorry, I’m getting off-topic.

My rates are xxxxx per month for a text ad on the right column of every page of my site.  You’ll write a short description, and we’ll get it up!

Thank you and I look forward to getting you some traffic!

——

I sent the initial message to my girlfriend to see what she could make of it.  I privately emailed her, “God I hope she becomes a sponsor!”  Jessica simply replied:

I would click to her site for sure.

A few hours later I got this reply.  Funny and lucid, I see now that the first message was more humor than crazy.

—–

Thank you for your prompt response,  fig wine association must be from the Italian figa which is p…y. I’ll let you know about advertising soon. Until then enjoy the hunt.

—–

I really don’t have anything else to say.  Just one thing, actually.  I love you readers.  Please keep being yourselves.  And comment on posts so we can all learn how batty you are.

They love their readers.

Putting Off Packing

Posted by D.J. on May 10, 2012 | 6 comments

Tomorrow I leave for Peoria to spend with the weekend with my parents.  Mother’s Day and all.

While I was catching up on some stuff tonight, I realized I hadn’t packed.  This isn’t a big trip – just three hours by car.  I have to put some food and water out for the cat, put clothes in my little suitcase thing, and pack up the computer.  Also, I’m bringing the dog, so a few of her things.

Usually I do this the night before, as is the sensible thing to do.  That way I can get up and not have to race around before I leave for work.

Tonight I made a conscious desicion to not pack.  Sometimes it’s just more fun not to do what’s smart.

Remember in college when you waited until the day before the exam to study?  Or staying up all night on Dexedrine writing the term paper?  And then would you vow to never do that again?

Well, the good news is that most of us are out of college.  College was great, don’t get me wrong.  Never had I so much time to screw around.  But we don’t get to do a lot of those things anymore.  I mean, I guess we can put off our taxes until mid April, but that’s about it.

So, I was about to pack tonight.  And then, the rebellious twenty year old me said…

Not tonight!  You’re going to race around last minute in the morning and do all this.  It will be awesome.  Do it!

I think I have to engage my immature part every so often just to keep sane.  I remember my Mother gave me a card once that simply said on the inside, “Don’t EVER grow up.”  She didn’t mean to be a loser man-child not capable of being responsible and living in the real world.  I was a silly child.  She meant don’t give up the silly.

While silly isn’t always a great idea, practically speaking, it’s usually fun.

For example – this blog.  Could this blog hurt my ability in the corporate world?  Sure it could.  This website is silly and honest and extremely non-corporate.  Not sure some employers would want a guy who writes about stuff like this on their roster.  I’ve accepted the reality of that.

The downside is that should I ever look for a new job, this may be an issue.  The upside is that I have a level of fulfillment that is very important to my well-being.  It’s interesting that being more myself (note – honest, silly, emotional, reflexive) results in this fulfillment.

So, tomorrow I’ll race around last minute to get packed, probably cursing this decision.  Oh, and speaking of, I need to get a card before Sunday, when all that’s left are the Hallmark ones written in Spanish.  Día de las Madres!

Please, don't come over to our table. Just let me eat my pollo asado in peace.

I’ve Been Appointed!

Posted by D.J. on May 9, 2012 | 26 comments

Doesn’t that sound a lot more official than, “Some chicks gave me a position with their website?”  No?  Sort of deceptive?  Yeah, I hear you.

Some chicks gave me a position with their website!

AimingLow is a fantastic humor website (seriously), which is collection of funny writers doing what they do best.  Effacing themselves through embarrassment.

They have published several of my pieces over the past few months.  I’ve attempted to slime my way into their collective jean shorts (or “jorts”)  through repeated begging.

And unlike my online petition to be considered for Jet Magazine‘s “Man of the Year” they have actually paid attention.

I join an elite group of writing warriors called the “Comic Relief Roster.”

It’s kind of like being the head of the JV volleyball squad.  You’re not varsity, but you’re still spiking the ball once in awhile.  There may be an opportunity down the road should I endear myself to their readers, and become a staff writer.

I’m very excited, and clearly bragging.

If you’re a blogger, you need to get to AimingLow’s Non-Conference near Atlanta in October.  I’ll be there along with some of the funniest bloggers online.  Basically it’s a conference without all the extraneous crap – you actually go there to learn real strategy on how to build an audience and network with other bloggers.  Also, it’s free, which is unheard of for a blogging conference.

Okay, I’ll keep you updated with AimingLow starts publishing my stuff.  I have something in the hopper already for them that should go live in a week or so.

I can’t stress enough how great this website is – check it out and read the posts.  Amazing writers.

I Can’t Wait to Ride You!

Posted by D.J. on May 8, 2012 | 7 comments

Yes.  I’m talking about you.

(I address my bicycle as “you”.)

I know.  That was dumb.  And made you feel uncomfortable for a moment.  Especially if you’re a dude.  Well, I guess maybe not all dudes would have felt uncomfortable.  Certain ones.

But, this is a post about riding a bike.  And, goddammit, there’s just no way you’re going to read a post titled, “I’m Going on a Bike Ride!”

I am going on a bike ride!  To work.

I will be doing this every day (except when it rains) until it gets too cold in late fall.  I have the dog in a backpack, and this commuter garment thing I just installed so I can bring my suit.

The total distance is around twenty miles round-trip.  Since I’m in Chicago and near the lake, it’s a beautiful ride.  Also windy.  I go right along Lake Michigan with all the other weirdos that ride to work.  I’ve been doing this for the past three years.  Before then I hadn’t ridden a bike since I was fourteen.

Now, please realize I have hardly moved since I put the bike away last year.  I live in a fourth floor walkup.  I get winded (no jive) making it up the stairs with groceries.

To go from nothing to twenty miles a day is intense.  I’m a sweaty mess when I get to work.  Well, surely there must be a shower there, yes?  Nope.

I have to towel off, wash up in the sink and then put on a suit.  Not the most fun thing to do all drenched in sweat.  But hey, I’m a professional.

I’m excited, because I’ll burn a few calories and get a few endorphins flowing.  Better than the tiny Mr. Goodbars floating around in my system right now.  Seriously, who ever eats tiny Mr. Goodbars?  Other than me when they’re on sale?

Was going to end with a strong joke about doody, but then a wave of fear hit me.  I realized that even though I’m all protected with a helmet on the bike, my dog is not.  I’ve ridden with her before and never had an issue.  In fact I’ve never fallen myself.  But if you ride a bike like me, logging thousands of miles, you will fall one day.  And the idea of crushing my dog is a devastating thought.  So, now I’m nearly paralyzed with fear, to tell the truth.  I think it’s a healthy fear, though.  Still, ugh.

Would have been easier to do the doody joke.  But, now I’m just scared.  Oh well.  I’m off to eat some more tiny Mr. Goodbars to kill that feeling.  Feelings suck!

The least sexy way to travel.

I Have One Of Those Headache Things

Posted by D.J. on May 7, 2012 | 14 comments

I probably get four headaches a year.  I think the weather has something to do with it, and maybe it’s a rain humidity thing.  Who knows.

Note – I ended that with a period, not a question mark, as I don’t really care for the answer.

Bottom line is that I currently have a headache.  I never know how much pain medicine to take.  I know that gel cap shit works the best, but I only have the little red ibuprofen. Those gels are like the Chewels of pain meds – shiny, mysterious, fun, and they have a little sugary coating.  Man, I wish I had some right now.

Oh – how much I take.  Got off track there.  I always take four.  Since I only do this a few times a year, I’m really not interested in screwing around.  I heard that this stuff rips open your stomach, but maybe that’s aspirin, and really, who’s using that anymore?  It’s like whole milk.  If you see someone pulling out the whole milk carton at the Albertsons, you need to carefully examine them because something is horribly wrong with them.  It’s okay to judge whole milk buyers.  I asked a priest.

I have a, shall we say, matured tolerance for medicine.  This is part of the reason why I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or even take caffeine.  I get consumed by anything addictive and then consume it in heroic amounts.  For example, the four pills didn’t quite kill the headache.  I’ll probably take a few more before bed.  There’s no way you should pound 1200 mg of ibuprophin in five hours.  If I don’t survive the night, you may all fight over my impressive collection of band aids that I’ve amassed.  I bet I haven’t used a band-aid in seven years.  Yet I have like 200 of them.  Maybe we’ll give them out at the memorial service and you can wear them under your eye like Nelly did as a way to catch the tears that will surely be flowing.

Okay, I need to sign off and go sleep off this headache.  Good morrow.

Instead of writing this I thought I would shoot a video of me stuffing a whole rotisserie chicken skeleton into my garbage disposal and turning it on.  So I did it.  But in the end I realized nobody would want to watch this 42 second video.  It’s going into the archive vault.