stories

I was hoping for fireworks, M-80 style.

A few months ago one of my friends sent an email with the subject line “You Can Poop Glitter With This Pill!” In the message was a story about an Etsy shop that sold pills jammed with thousands of pieces of non-toxic glitter. Apparently the stomach doesn’t digest these shiny travelers and passes them unscathed through the intestines into the colon. The Etsy merchant had many different colors including a rainbow option called “Unicorn Style.” I replied to my friend with, “I love this.” His reply – “D.J. – you have to try this. Please.” He’s married and not allowed to participate in such nonsense. READ MORE

I’m amazed how little I understand politics.

It’s not for a lack of trying. Over the past fifteen years I’ve made a practice of watching Meet the Press each Sunday. This tv program seems to be impartial and also they book the biggest guests in Washington. And even with all of that exposure over all those years, I’m still never certain who to vote for in any given election. Now, to be clear, I’m talking about presidential elections. I conduct zero research on who my local representatives are and what they stand for. I couldn’t tell you who the governor is or what political party he represents. Our mayor is Rahm Emmanuel, but I only know that because he was in my path heading to the subway once. He laughed because one of his security detail saw that I was carrying my chihuahua in a backpack. But if you were to ask me when the senators or house elections are I would have to recuse myself to the bathroom to do a secret Google search. I’d double flush so you’d think I was having a problem, which would buy me a few more minutes to get the facts memorized. READ MORE

I’ve had a tote full of unopened Trojan products in my possession for many years.

Trojan makes a lot of stuff for dudes, like prophylactics. And if you’re thinking I have an unused carton of ultrathin lambskins with nonoxynol-9, you’d be wrong. Well, I might have those things. too. But that’s not what I’m referencing in this story. What I own is a full bag of female Trojan products. I received this bounty at a blog conference. READ MORE

A few years ago a sketch group in LA asked me to write a piece for them.

Since I’ve always idolized sketch comedy (SNL, SCTV, Kids in the Hall, Mr Show) I was excited. I’ve never participated in improv nor told a ribald boner in front of an audience. But I love a good challenge and I’ve always had a fantasy of sitting in a writer’s room pitching ideas. That’s an odd fantasy considering most twelve year olds want to score a winning touchdown, not write jokes for Phil Hartman sketches. Anyway, I wrote a bit for this group in Hollywood which included a priest on trial and Lindsay Lohan. Again, this was years ago where both of those items were more timely. The troupe didn’t use the sketch, and that was that. READ MORE

My comedy instincts are usually correct. About six months ago my sister called me to ask if I would perform her wedding ceremony. I wasn't sure she'd give me this job as I had officiated weddings exactly zero times in the past. I was a groom in a wedding once, but then I got divorced, and I don't think I could use my ex-wife as a resume reference for the gig.

My sister’s getting married next weekend.

I was fortunate to be invited to the bachelor party which concluded just a few days ago. In Montreal. I get jazzed whenever I get to dust off the passport, even if it’s just for a two hour flight from Chicago. I had never been to Montreal before and many people contend it’s the greatest city on the planet. At 4am I left for the airport and my girlfriend raised her head from her pillow and half-asleep whispered, “Just don’t come back with VD.” This is a joke based on the reputation of strippers of Montreal who aren’t uptight about getting manhandled. Or at least that’s what my Fodor’s book said. READ MORE

“If everyone’s fanny was that tight, I’d be out of a job.”

I’m proud to start this blog post with this near-exact quote from the surgeon that performed my colonoscopy. He didn’t use the word fanny. I did moments before as a different doctor checked me for hemorrhoids. She was a tiny female and I hoped that her fingers were as slender as a Zales ring model. They were, but I yelped anyway. It hurt. I didn’t want to come off like a guy that can’t handle a 90 lb woman’s pinky, so I overcompensated and blurted out, “My fanny is kind of tight back there, sorry for the scream!” Then the surgeon said the – well, just look up at the first sentence in this post. (I may need to take a writing course on continuity.) READ MORE

You were all wrong about my garbage disposal.

I purchased a condo in 2005 because my folks were nice enough to lend me a down payment. At closing I was able to pick out all the cabinets, countertops, moldings, and appliances. I remember trying to figure out whether to upgrade to the nicer series of appliances. It was several thousand dollars more. But, when I did the math it only added a nickel to my monthly mortgage payment. Done. READ MORE