Sometimes I get bored.

Sometimes I get bored and I need validation.

About a year ago I found out that Larry the Cable Guy and Fran Drescher follow me on Twitter. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m sure it was an error on their respective ends. Larry follows over 1k people and Fran follows 22k. I have never been tweeted or direct messaged by them or received any indication that they like my fart jokes. In fact they probably don’t even do their own tweeting – maybe one of their publicists likes my stuff. Or it’s just random whatever.

Either way – I’m bragging about it.

I want to show you how you can determine if anyone famous is following you. It’s a distraction from doing something worthwhile that, let’s face it, you weren’t going to do anyway. It’s time to get superficial and have some fun.

So, without further ado…

Which Verified Accounts Follow You On Twitter?

 

If you don’t know what a verified account is, it’s when Twitter decides someone’s a big enough deal that they guarantee that the person with a blue check next to their handle is the real McCoy. Blogger extraordinaire Jenny Lawson was recently donned the honor.

According to Twitter, there are around 54k verified accounts. Certainly one or more of those bozos follow you, right? Let’s find out!

1.  You’re going to need to visit Friend or Follow – click the link and sign up for an account. It’s free, yo.

2.  When the system first loads, it will show you who you’re following – but we don’t care that you’re into each Kardashian or that you’re a true Belieber. Whoever you follow is your business. Click “Fans” in the upper left navigation bar and let’s get to it.

3.  Now – the bummer. You’re going to have to wait. Twitter only allows you to ping its API in this fashion once every fifteen minutes. So, if you get the message to wait, grab a Fresca and work a Sudoku. You’ve got time.

I still have fantasies that Coca Cola will make me their “Official Fresca Blog Ambassador” and hook me up with free Fresca swag. This is unlikely, but a man needs to dream, dammit!

4.  While you’re waiting, you’ll see this graphic…

5. Click the “Protected” button so it looks like this.

6. Now, don’t touch anything until fifteen minutes has passed. Grab another Fresca.

7. Once fifteen minutes is up click the “Normal” button now, so that it looks like this. And get ready for the magic.

8. Wait for the screen to load and you’ll see which verified accounts follow you, but that you do not follow back. Here’s my group.

Take a moment to bask in whatever glory you’ve assigned to this victory.

Okay, moving on.

9. Now, we’re going to see what verified accounts follow you and you follow back. The mutual Twitter love relationship! Click on “Friends” in the upper left navigation bar. You’ll probably get a “must wait X minutes” thing again. While you’re waiting, click “Protected” so that it looks like Step 5.

10. After you’ve waited the appropriate number of minutes, click “Normal” just like you did in Step 7. Then hang tight while it loads. Depending on how many followers you have this could take a minute. Here’s what mine returned.

Now, let’s make sense of these results. Feeling good about yourself? Of course you are! Well, don’t get too excited. Many of these accounts will auto-follow back once you follow them. For example I doubt very much that the fine people at Arby’s loved the story of my dad’s wang so much they just had to follow me.

But who am I to rain on this self-congratulatory parade? Maybe Puffs and McDonald’s appreciate my humor! Does comedian Caroline Rhea look through my tweets as inspiration for her next Showtime special? I’d like to think so. So I will choose to.

Now it’s time to start bragging. Start with your family, in particular those that claim that blogging and tweeting are a waste of time. Let them know that Margaret Cho follows you on Twitter. Because she does! (or in least in my case)

It’s not important that none of these people have ever messaged you. Minor details! Pshaw!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you determine just how cool you are on Twitter. Yes, it’s a complete waste of time, but bathe in its warming glow for a few moments before remembering you’re twenty minutes late to pick up the kids from school.

And make sure to tell your little ones that Chex Mix follows mommy. They’ll think you’re a pretty hip cat. And what’s more important than looking like a big shot to your children? In my book – nothing.

Enjoy!