I’m on a quest to lose ten pounds.
Why? Two reasons. One, I have too much body fat. While I eat pretty healthy, I eat too much. If I don’t regulate my caloric intake, I’m bound to eat everything that’s awesome in the cupboard. I’m sure it’s a coping mechanism for some sort of sadness or whatever. Like if you don’t write comments at the end of each post. Yep – it’s your fault. If I die from too much food my attorney has been instructed to sue the lot of you. After we in punitive damages my will states that the casket is to be exhumed and your piles of dough are to be dumped in with my rotting corpse. This way, if heaven has a sundries shop, I can buy some stuff.
The second reason I would like to lose some fat is that I have a conference to attend where I’m speaking, and truthfully, I don’t want to feel overweight. My clothes are tight and I’m not happy with my fat face in photos.
Okay, now that I’ve sufficiently proven that I have a vagina, let’s continue.
So, how to lose the weight? Well, I know a few ways. Since it’s mostly a too-many-calories thing I could burn more calories. I already bike twenty miles. I’m sure I could push it 20% harder and pass the lame rollerbladers. Other than that, I have to learn how to eat less when I’m anxious.
I love Wint-O-Green and Pep-O-Mint Lifesavers. When I’m writing I’ll grab twenty or so and just chew away during an article. These are not loaded with calories, but the idea of only having one seems preposterous. I’m a spaz with food. It’s amazing I’m not severely overweight. Thank God I was blessed with a fast metabolism. Also great hair. Decent chin.
Sorry – got lost in myself there. Yes, I write staring at a mirror so that every now and then I can look up from the computer and smile at myself. “Oh, you!” I say and then wink at myself.
Having a firey metabolism is fine when you’re eating a lot of food. It’s not so great for relationships. I’m constantly freaking out about everything. Just talk about anything. Today I went for fifteen minutes on how why people at Jessica’s office don’t use the dishwasher and keep cups and plates in the sink. I gave her my theory behind their psychological underpinnings and how it’s a power they wield over the boss. That deep down it’s a “screw you!” to the man.
Anyway, she politely listened for awhile and then was like, “Why are you getting so worked up about this?” The good news is that I probably burned twenty calories during that monologue. I had stormed around the house ranting.
Okay, I just weighed myself. The weight doesn’t matter. What does is that I’m at 22.9% bodyfat. Not good for a dude.
So, if I come off angry and more self-absorbed than usual in the upcoming weeks it’s because my body and mind are about to turn against me. Today was day one and I already want to get into a random street fight. You know, to burn calories. Also, beating people up will erase all the vagina-ey things said above.
Ooh, if I get into a street fight I need a videographer for posterity. Let’s make sure we pick out a scrawny homeless guy. This has to look good.
