My friend played a pretty good prank on me yesterday.
I was at work and stressed and she IMd me. Here’s a reenactment of our conversation.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Nothing. Just eating pizza until I pass out.
Okah – you HAVE to see this movie. Immediately!
What movie?
Look, before I tell you I want you to promise that you’ll see it. I know you look everything up on RottenTomatoes. I want you to ignore their ratings because you won’t want to see it.
Yeah, but RottenTomatoes is usually right.
Promise me you’ll just watch it.
Okay. It’s that good?
It really is. I can see why some critics didn’t like it, but it’s sort of a cult classic. Very misunderstood. But good.
What’s the name?
Beastly. Best that you don’t read anything about it so certain plot points don’t get ruined. Ever heard of it?
No. Wait a minute… This movie has a 20% on RottenTomatoes! You’re saying this is not a gigantic piece of shit?
No – it’s good. I have great taste in movies. You know this. Trust me.
73/90 critics gave this movie a thumbs-down. C’mon, you’re pulling me over on me.
D.J., I’m not. And I’m tried of talking about it. Watch it or don’t.
Well, I did look at the rating but you know my policy – if I don’t know anything about the movie, I don’t read any reviews. I’ve never seen a 20% movie I liked, but I’m willing to trust me on this one.
Great. I hope you’re excited.
–Fin–
I was really excited. First, my friend Suzanne has amazing taste in movies. Her last recommendation, The Snowtown Murders, was easily one of the strongest movies I’ve seen in years. Also, one of the hardest movies to watch, but brilliant. Her batting average on recommendations is a perfect 1.000.
I’m one of those guys that heads to a movie without knowing anything about it. I went opening night to see The Artist by myself without even knowing it was in black and white or silent. I just saw the RottenTomatoes ranking that day and knew it had to be a must-see. I tell people all the time to just go and be totally surprised. Odds are if the movie has a 90% or better, you’re going to like it unless you’re one of those a-holes who goes, “I don’t care what the critics say! They don’t know nuthin’!”
First, yes they do know something. Second, if a movie has a 18% and you thought it was awesome, your taste in movies sucks. Hey, I’m no better than you. Well, with movies I am. But I will largely proclaim to the heavens that Dominos pizza is damned good, and I live in Chicago with the best pizza on the planet.
When I got home from work that night I was exhausted. Long, hard day. I grabbed dinner and downloaded Beastly. I could not have been more excited to rip into this movie. Again, I knew nothing about the film.
I made it seven minutes.
That son of a bitch Suzanne f’ed me.
This was easily one of the biggest pieces of shit I had seen. I’m not someone that storms out of a bad movie or doesn’t eat the Taco Bell enchilada because they put sour cream in by accident. I suffer through it like a champ.
I just couldn’t do this one. It was that bad. Plus, I was beyond pissed off. I had built this up in my head to be some hidden masterpiece. It was not. Even worse my friend was unavailable that evening so I couldn’t even yell at her. I sent her three text messages that were not complimentary. Well, not unless you consider the c-word complimentary.
Today I sent her a message congratulating the prank. It was perfectly executed. She got me.
I suggest you Beastly (now I use as a verb) one of your friends. They will hate you, especially if they grabbed it at Redbox in the grocery. Plus, 90% of people over 30 have never heard of it. If I fell for it, your friends will too. Go ahead, ruin their Friday night. It’s worth it.
