Nobody ever talks about the advantage of low self-esteem.
The best part of thinking that you’re a piece of subhuman garbage is that you learn how to obtain validation from others. Sure, it’ll land you in therapy after twenty or thirty years when you suffer a nervous breakdown, but there’s some benefit along the way.
I’m often described as likable and cheery. I learned that when you’re likeable and cheery, people (especially strangers) prefer that over prickly-types. Nobody idolizes the jerk who shuffles onto the subway pushing his way past everyone because he has to stand RIGHT THERE GODDAMMIT. When this award-winner comes onto the scene at least a few riders start fantasizing of jerk’s heel getting caught in the space between the door and the platform while his leg rips clean off.
Should this ever happen in my presence I will scan the subway car to find the others that are smiling as he hops around looking for his foot. Then I’ll Instagram it and hope it gets a few likes. Because I have low self-esteem.
In reference to the aforementioned self-esteem issue, I’m speaking more in the past tense. I have put to bed a lot of the awfulness that I used to think about myself. Turns out it was just some old programming accidentally installed. Awesome that it took 33 years for me to address, but whatever. Some dudes have to deal with baldness which I assume sucks way worse. So, just so you don’t think I’m a complete sad sack, I woke up a few months ago realizing that I actually dig myself. Now, let’s go back to before then.
I learned as a youngster if you want to get validation from others you have to learn how to make others feel great. That Dale Carnegie book is written exclusively for us low esteemers. Should have been named “How to Win Friends and Feel Awesome That You Just Won Friends Because Who Would Want to Be Friends With You?”
The key to being liked is not to be the best storyteller. I can’t tell a story for dick. But I listen real good. And ask a lot of questions. Let’s explore how and why.
When you listen to people and actually show interest in what they’re all about, they will like you. Full stop. It just works. Yes, I guess it’s possible to freak someone out if you go too deep too fast. But over time you’ll hone your skill-set and learn how to ease someone in. I met a guy recently who built his own dry age oven and cooks ribeye steaks for 60 days. Guess how proud he was of his device? Guess who asked him 17 questions about how he built it? (answer – the first dude was him and the second was me.)
Another example. Last night I ran into a woman at a dinner party who I had met once before. I didn’t remember her name, nor she mine, but when we saw each other she exclaimed, “I’m the social worker! We talked all about social worker stuff for an hour!” She was smiling. I remember at our first meeting going, “What does a social worker do?” From there she was hooked – app, entree, dessert.
I love finding out what people do and where their passions lie. So, I ask a ton of questions. I don’t give a shit about the weather or the local sports team. I go for the jugular. Uh, if the jugular is the thing that’s full of good feelings because I ask a lot of questions that make you feel good. (I don’t really understand physiology.)
When people, however, start asking me about me, I get uncomfortable. Because I don’t like myself, duh. Let’s focus back on you!
It’s interesting, however, because my fascination with others comes from a genuine place. And each person I meet has unique passions and interests. I make it a mission to find out what gets you off. It makes me feel connected and intimate. And validated.
Now, my therapist would say this social strategy is unhealthy, contrived and controlling. She’s right, of course. I mean, she has a PhD from Northwestern. That’s a really good school. Her advice is to let conversations evolve naturally. Screw that – I’m a wizard at this shit. Wait – no. Let’s go with alchemist. Sounds better.
You know on those Myers Briggs tests where you’re asked if after a party you’re energized or exhausted? I’m energized. It’s not because I have some manic disorder where my dopamine doesn’t reuptake. It’s actually really simple – since I don’t know how to make myself feel good, I’ll make you feel good, instead. It’s a win-win. You will feel like I really care about you and I will feel validated that I made you feel cared about. That jazzes me. And for a period of time I can ride that jazz and not have to deal with my self-esteem issue.
Well, the last part isn’t much of a win. But hey, I’m not like the… (Hmm – trying to think of a sports team that went undefeated to complete this win-win-lose analogy).
(…crap, I really don’t know sports.)
