Before you get all offended that I’m suggesting that lobster is, in fact, God herself, take a deep breath and relax. (See what I did with the “she” thing back there? I know my audience!) You can continue to believe God is Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, or the Great White Buffalo. I’m going to walk a different path. God is the lobster I ate last night in NYC.
Why? Because God, if he were a sea-dweller, would be a lobster. The most delicious of all that comes from earth and water. Let’s face it – God is pretty darned powerful. If you were raised Christian, you already believe he’s omniscient, omnibenevolent, and omnipotent. Basically that means that God is all powerful, all knowing, and all good.
THE SAME EXACT QUALITIES A LOBSTER EMBODIES.
But wait a second there, funny guy! Lobsters are all knowing? What do they know? Well, for one they know how to be the most delicious thing on the planet. That’s a lot of knowing in my book. They also know how to get caught by lobster trappers. Lastly, they know how to get broiled and mix perfectly with butter and lemon. What else is there to know? I submit to you – nothing. Sure, lobsters can’t wax poetic about existentialism or the nature of man. I’ll give you that. But who needs to drone on about Nietzsche when there’s a King Maine Lobster in your possession and you have access to boiling water? Plus, let’s face it. Germans are weird.
Is a lobster all powerful? Can a lobster create a boulder so heavy that even the lobster itself could not lift it? Ugh – that just made my head hurt. You know, I don’t know a lot about religion, spirituality, or basic animal physiology. But lobsters – they sure look strong. Plus, I feel like if a live one came swimming over to me (I assume they swim), I would run the other way pretty fast. Those huge antenna things are concerning and also the claws seem like they could sever my Achilles tendon. That’s plenty powerful.
Is a lobster all good? Hmm… Let’s just say, “Yes, lobsters are all good.” Why? Because it’s 12:13am and I haven’t slept for twenty hours.
I thought this would turn out a lot funnier. It didn’t.
The idea of equating a lobster to God is funny. If I wasn’t totally stuffed on lobster I could probably raise it from a 5 to an 8.
But you know what? I don’t bat 1.000. You are witness to a rare miss. I’m keeping it up for posterity!
Lobster Bless You,
D.J.
