A few days back I wrote about a new feature I’m going to try here on the site. Instead of just reading about me and all my silly thoughts, we’re going to workshop this mofo. Together.
In short, we are all all simply not good enough as we are. Trust me. You’re not.
(Don’t worry – I’m not either)
Now that you’re effectively shamed, let’s get better.
Announcing…
The first thing that needs to get fixed is that logo. I have absolutely zero Photoshop skills (evident). If any graphic designers want to take a crack at something better, I’ll be forever loving you.
Here’s how Let’s Get Fixed works.
- You choose something you would like to start doing, but you’re not currently because you suck.
- In the comment section declare that you will accomplish this in one week.
- In seven days I’ll write a follow up post an you can check in. If you’ve made it you’ll receive a virtual make-out session from the rest of us.
- If you fail, well, you’re just human and everyone makes mistakes. Just kidding – we’ll goof on you. Hard.
I’ve written extensively about how I can be sort of a dickhead to my girlfriend. For example I should probably send a nice note in the mail one in awhile. Or order some flowers. Maybe overnight a tub of that Russell Stover crap. I need to step it up.
I declare that I will do three nice things for my girlfriend this week. Above and beyond the usual phone calls and text messages. Will I send a carrier pidgeon with a parchment of haikus about the curls of her hair? Maybe I’ll swing by Kohl’s and get her some mom jeans even though she’s not a mom. Or perhaps I’ll just send her an ecard of Sarah Michelle Gellar.
If you peeps dig this, I might come up with a forum or something where we can touch base daily. For the time being just write it in the comments below and we’ll check back in seven days.
I don’t care if your goal is to finally confront your son about his ugly girlfriend. Let it be heard below!
What say you? Say it now! (Actually, writing it would be more effective. Do that instead.)
photo credit: animalvegetable via photo pin cc
Stephanie Force says:
How perfect! In this next week, before I go off to college I will:1) Straighten out my loan and tuition situation so I can still go to college (if only I had $3,000 worth of coins in my couch!)2) Make time to see my friends that actually mean something to me before I never see them again (*ahem!*just in case that is)3) Find the patience to play and read to my little brother… at age 5 I want him to have good memories of us together before I disappear.4) I will start to really pack up my room.I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes!
D.J. Paris says:
Stephanie Force You are just way too sweet to goof on. I would feel dirty. I hope you do it all!
Lil says:
I’m going to awesomely pack for my kid to leave for college thousands of miles away … mostly because I’ve procrastinated my ass off until, this, the last week before departure, a week from tomorrow!
D.J. Paris says:
@Lil That’s very nice of you. He’ll be ripping bong-loads in a few weeks with the Delts and not thinking of you helping him pack. Just fyi.
inthemomlight says:
I’m going to have 3 separate hours of the day with no devices. I must go for a full hour on 3 separate occasions without phone, comp, ipad, tv, nothing! Mostly for the benefit of my children getting my undivided attention.
D.J. Paris says:
inthemomlight Yes, because you’re soooooo interesting that everybody must have more Kelly. We all need more Kelly! She’s better than that internet or television!
inthemomlight says:
tfpHumorBlog It took you this long to figure that out???
Halloweenjen says:
I will finally get my office organized. With school starting up I need a quiet place to cram at 4am while the kiddo sleeps.
D.J. Paris says:
Halloweenjen I expect photos!
Anna says:
I hereby declare that I will
Anna says:
I hereby declare that I will give my pet cat a bath within the span of seven days. Even if it is a painful process that involves clawing and clawing some more. (Sorry about the double comments. Someone hit the “Post comment” button too soon. Lol.)
D.J. Paris says:
@Anna Wait a minute. You know that you don’t need to bathe cats, right? Google that shit first before you traumatize the little guy. And if the cat is clawing you, punch her straight in the belly as hard as you can. She’ll stop.
Faiqa says:
Um, this mess is way too varied or complex to be sorted out in a week. Also, I don’t suck at anything. Just saying.
inthemomlight says:
Faiqa just things you haven’t tried yet martha… lol
Faiqa says:
inthemomlight Hahaha — Martha is my spirit animal.
D.J. Paris says:
Faiqa inthemomlight It couldn’t have been just me that immediately thought of her family at that moment and realized she might not be the best person to live with…
MicheleLeAnn says:
I could fix the hell outta that graphic, but I refuse. I love it, as is! What can I say? I dig cat balls. Sue me. And um, if those are your three nice things, you need help. Ask a female friend for advice. Oh, except the SMG ecard. Love me some Buffy!! And while I already said my goal on your previous post, I will repeat it. Cause I wouldn’t want you to forget. I intend to clean my kitchen! Scary that I would need a week to do so, isn’t it? Good luck in your effort to be less of a dick. I hear that’s a hard habit to break!
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn I love the graphic because it so goddamned bad. It makes me laugh. Clean the kitchen – it’s hardwired into your DNA anyway.
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog Yeah, that’s not sexist at all!! Haha
luckiestguy30 says:
I’ve always enjoyed the spirit of self-improvement that you’re trying to evoke here. Saying that I’ve got a confession to make. I have always insulted people. I’ve assulted them in the worst possible way- by destroying their image and self-confidence. I’ve been doing this unwillingly, which doesn’t excuse me at all. The reason – I love photography but alas, photography doesn’t love me. I’ve been the cruelest to those which are close by taking their photos and well.. the outcome has always been like a kick in the stomach. I know that. I’m willing to self -improve. I’ve got a baby now and the last thing i wanna do is cause harm so I’m willing to within the next 7 days make the best photo I have ever done of Even Sparrow (aged 8 mths), post it publicly on freshumans.com and not bring him shame. I hope he doesn’t knock me out in the future.
D.J. Paris says:
luckiestguy30 You stink and your writing is terrible and nobody like you and your elbows are ashy.Take the photo of the kid with the terrible first name!(Oh, this was too much fun. Forgive me.)
luckiestguy30 says:
tfpHumorBlog “Nobody like you?” Did you want to say “there’s nobody like you”? There’s nothing to forgive!
sbattey says:
I’m not putting that graphic on my blog, but I am participating. My first goal, is to scoop my cats litter box every night. I really ought to train the skank to do it herself. I blogged about this goal… Probably the most ridiculous entry I’ve ver made.
D.J. Paris says:
sbattey I’ve never successfully done this. I will do it next time. The cat really does deserve it.
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
I am finally going to find a new doctor. I’ve been putting this off forever. We know our current doc – as in he’s a neighbor whose daughter goes to school with our son. Awkward. Too much personal info on the charts and physical exams are kinda out of the question. I’m going to get this rectified this week! Uh…maybe rectified is the wrong word…
D.J. Paris says:
ModMomBeyondIndieDom Ha – yeah you don’t really want to shake his hand at the band fundraising dinner after it was two knuckles deep in you the month before. I understand.
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
Yeah. And I really don’t want to have lunch with his wife after that either. Luckily, he’s not my gyno, just my GP, so the worst was when he had to check out my bunyan. why does autocorrect keep changing gyno to Gino? Are there mob connections at Apple?
inthemomlight says:
ModMomBeyondIndieDom goodluck with the “rectification”
MomMeFixIt says:
I am going to post videos to my website, like I said I was going to do two weeks ago. I worked on it a little last week, but I was so nervous about being on video, even though I was the only one in the room while I was filming, that I deleted everything I did and want to start over. I have three videos that I need to film now. I just need to drink a beer or take a shot, loosen up, and get on with the show! Any encouragement, coaxing, pushing, nagging, etc. is apprectiated!
D.J. Paris says:
MomMeFixIt The hardest part is taking off your clothes and faking the first orgasm in front of the cameras and the crew. Trust me, it gets easier the more you do it. Trust me.
bogie says:
I will get Marnie’s (my awesome chihuahua) nails trimmed so she won’t have to be constantly ridiculed by the other dogs in the house (like Corgi’s have any room to point fingers – midgets!)
D.J. Paris says:
bogie Ummm………………. WE BOTH HAVE CHIHUAHUAS! Hang on, you have just earned a place in my will.
Kristina says:
I will clean my cabin. I will CLEAN my cabin. I WILL clean my cabin… I WILL CLEAN MY CABIN.Can you feel the confidence?
D.J. Paris says:
@Kristina I’m sad you live in a cabin.
Kristina says:
tfpHumorBlog Nah, you were sad already… your latest post says so. Why would you be sad that I live in a cabin? If someone were forcing you to live in a cabin against your will, that would be sad. I love my cabin, and live in it by choice. So it’s not sad!Hope you’ve pulled out of the sadness today, on schedule.
aimlessjonah says:
I am officially coasting until after I have sinus surgery at the end of the month. The only improvement I really need at the moment is reaming out my nose so that I can breathe and sleep again. After that we’ll see. I’ve got a lot of faults, but I can’t think about them just now because I don’t have enough freaking oxygen to keep the brain fueled. I’m posting a link to your blog from mine. Your shit is pretty funny. I mostly follow mommy bloggers because they are hilarious and they talk dirty. Actually they talk like drunken sailors, but that is appealing to me because I am very perverse…even when I’m breathing.
D.J. Paris says:
aimlessjonah Thanks for the link! And you’re right to say that my shit is funny. I’m sorry about your defective nose. It’s clear that God is displeased.
redbone210 says:
I will stop procrastinating, starting …after I come back from the bathroom.
D.J. Paris says:
redbone210 Double flush and keep the fan on.
Kelly Fox says:
I WILL get my home spic and damned span. I WILL . Yeppers. People will come over and they’ll be all “Holy Cattle Prodding Cowboys! This Home is Gloriously clean and lovely!” and all be all “Yeah, I know right? Totally motivated by Paris” It’ll throw em off.
D.J. Paris says:
Kelly Fox As a Spanish person (yes, I really am) the word “spic” is untoward. Please correct and apologize.Just kidding, spics are hilarious.
Themiddlingages says:
Uhmmm, define make out session? Please note I’m just about to start reading the 50 shades trilogy, so expectations may be running high. So, onwards to your collective “lets get fixed” challenge. I’m going to try and pursue writing as a career, once I’ve recovered from spine surgery. Every public school teacher, family member and several colleagues pushed and prodded, but I refused to “be fixed”. I’m ready now, even responded to a posting by Fast Company’s Co.Exist editor looking for freelance writers. Business and innovation was my forte in corporate career. So, on a bit of a diversion from this challenge, I was following you on twitter for several weeks, and noticed I kept getting bombed by spammers. I took a chance, unfollowed you, and voila, no more spammers. I would love to follow,you again, but not when your “following” comes with the added bonus of pornsters and used car salesmen. Can you make them stop, please???? Or is that part of your collective lovefest you’ve alluded to above?From A fan!
D.J. Paris says:
Themiddlingages Ha – I assure you that pornstars and used car salesmen have nothing to do with my Twitter account. That is total coincidence. When you say bombed meaning people followed you? I block people who do that to me. It almost never happens. I did a Twitter audit yesterday and it said only 2% of my followers are fake/spammers. Let me know what is happening. YOU MUST FOLLOW ME.
Themiddlingages says:
Yes, those pornsters and, I use this term loosely, sales folks, followed me. I did block, but I was also dealing with a couple dozen new ones each day. I want to follow you, but….is this something you could report to Twitter Corp?you happen to also be from one of my favourite US cities, so I pass the ball back to you. Willing, just waiting to be able…….
D.J. Paris says:
Themiddlingages Well, 23k people follow me and nobody has complained but you – so you’re obviously NUTS. Kidding. Ha. Turn me back on and see if it happens again. I’m curious. 🙂
TRfromRL says:
Initially I said journal every night, but I’m taking that back… I would have to stop visiting blogs if I started writing in my journal every single night, and I don’t wanna stop visiting blogs. Instead, I will be early….early for jobs…early for appointments….early for social gatherings….just early for everything and not be late once all week. I will be that person who is on time for everything all week. I’ve never been that person so this is big. I hope I don’t get bored.
thebloggerincognito says:
I will not eat any more cookies or ice cream this week. And I will not call him until he contacts me:)
D.J. Paris says:
thebloggerincognito I support both of these things! I don’t think a woman ever struggled with that for me. Ha.
thebloggerincognito says:
tfpHumorBlog Thanks lol. The two feed each other, pun intended.
PotatoPancakes says:
I will calmly explain the importance of closing the screen slider door at night to my boyfriend instead of passive aggressively slamming it shut in the morning.
D.J. Paris says:
PotatoPancakes Passive aggressive stuff is pretty fun though, you have to admit.
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Helena Angelina says:
I will pounce on Frenchie. No, not you D.J. I’ve read ‘I can be sort of a dickhead to my girlfriend’, so rather, I’ll go for the new Parisian boy on the scene. 7 days? Got it. I likes me a deadline. This works well.