Talking about dreams is boring for everyone but the dreamer.
EXCEPT WHEN THE DREAMER IS MARRYING HIS SISTER.
Yes, I had a terrifying dream last night. I was in a tux backstage at a wedding. I don’t know what the secret area is named for a wedding even though I had my own once. But I am in a band and we do occasionally hang out backstage. Anyway, I was there, and I was nervous. Then panicked. Finally I was screaming and crying at the same time.
Yes, today was the day I was marrying my sister.
Everything about it felt wrong, but there I was. I had the corsage and everything. I was pleading with my family who seemed to be the ones making this thing happen. I was crying and yelling that this isn’t right and I couldn’t marry my kin. (Man, I can’t say that word enough – it works every time.) With every plead there was a logical answer about why it made sense to unite with my sister. She was lonely, I was lonely – we knew each other well – blood should marry blood. These were the reasons provided to me.
Then I hit them with my trump card.
“But,” I said with great confidence, “Surely you wouldn’t have me and my sister procreate! Why, the children would be mutants!”
There’s no comeback to this – the science is pretty clear about banging family members. It’s not suggested.
“Oh, that’s hogwash,” my parents dismissed. “That’s just something the British made up hundreds of years ago. There’s no evidence to suggest that anything bad happens.”
Hmm… I was not going to win this one.
I seriously screamed and yelled and cried at the top of my lungs as one would when the argument of genetic abnormality falls on deaf ears.
The wedding dream ended with a wake-up trip to the bathroom alone in the dark. Yes, I sat like a woman.
———
I was at this big event just milling about by myself. Even in my dreams I’m lonely.
So, I started walking around and talking to people and just being social. Everyone’s nice enough. But since I can never have a dream where fear and anxiety don’t play a roll, things quickly took a painful turn.
There was Britney Spears walking by herself. She looked shorter that I would have thought. A bonafide celebrity. I ran over to her and tried to grab her for a moment. She was walking to something and I basically had to stop her. All I wanted was a photo. And to put my arms around her and hold her tenderly but firm, like a man. Okay, that last part isn’t true. I just wanted a photo.
The trollop turned me down! But not just a normal dismissal. First she stared me right into the eye through to my soul. And she did not like the info that came back form that journey. She looked at me we disgust and just said, “Uh, no.” I was crushed.
But at least it happened once again, minutes later! I ran into Paris Hilton.
Now, we both have Paris in our names. That’s something! Obviously she would want to hang out and take a photo. This second trollop did the same thing as the first trollop!
As she was walking quickly away from me I tried to reason with her. “But both are names are Paris! If you married me, you’d be Paris Paris! That’s funny! Right?” She was gone.
Rejected by two celebrities in the same dream. Sadly, this is probably exactly how it would go in real life, too.
———
If you’d like to share a disturbing dream I won’t feel so alone. Maybe you made out with your high school biology teacher, Mrs. Greenblatt who was rocking 67 at the time. Or you had one where you gave birth to four chimps. Tell us about the time your teeth fell out and when you picked them up you were ashamed because they were butter-yellow.
photo credit: Anirudh Koul via photo pin cc
Faithhopelove32 says:
That would be upsetting to have a dream of marrying a sibling. I write two blogs. Last week I shared a post about a dream I had recently that was disturbing but reflective of my life. The disturbing part was other people answering the phone each time I called Greg. Makes more sense in the blog post. http://greggieswidow.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/trying-to-call-greggie/
D.J. Paris says:
Faithhopelove32 Greg did the same shit to me once. Fuckin’ Greg!
dadblunders says:
D.J.,You definitely never have a dull moment! I do understand why that would be disturbing. I know it would be for me (especially because I am an only child and don’t have siblings) I honestly can’t recall any disturbing dreams (except the kind where you are being chased) I guess i lead a boring life….sigh Aaron
D.J. Paris says:
dadblunders Yeah, but at least you learned to never share stuff with others and that the whole world revolves are you.(this is my fantasy of every only-child’s experience)
MicheleLeAnn says:
I have pretty much nothing BUT disturbing dreams. I think the earliest one I can recall, was a really steamy wet dream when I was like 10. I don’t think the average 10 year old has those, but I was always kinda weird and pervy. It was me, and the guy who played the doctor from Look Who’s Talking. (If you don’t remember what he looks like, see link below.) We were goin at it like crazy, in a shower no less! Then there was the one where I was Morticia Addams. Gomez and I had lost everything. Our home, our kids, everything. But we still had each other. We were staying in this shabby run down apartment building. For some reason, the door would never close all the way, and we kept catching the neighbor watching us when we boned. It was very strange. I ended up with the biggest crush on Raul Julia because of that dream…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udx06AHLazI
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn I never had a wet dream. No joke. I’m pretty pissed at God about this. (just kidding – he doesn’t exist)
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog You’re missing out. If I believed in god, I would thank him for my perverted subconscious. Sometimes it is the only entertainment I have. 🙁
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn You mean thank HER. Jesus – show some love to the chicks.
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog No no no, we’re not gonna blame this shithole of a world on a woman. If there was a god, it would definitely be male. No woman would kill Heath Ledger, and George Carlin in the same year.
SrslyAmusing says:
Yeah, I had a lot of anxiety Peter Pan dreams when I was in my early 20’s. I’d be unable to make it home with my dog, and then we’d end up running away from the Mob. Not a mob, THE Mob. I also had traffic anxiety dreams when I was like 5 years old. Little toy cars … I was on the inside track on a massive roundabout and kept missing my exit. High anxiety for a 5 year old.Nothing quite so horrifying as marrying my sister unfortunately.
D.J. Paris says:
SrslyAmusing Nah, my sister’s pretty hot. I could do worse.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Sorry, I win; my dreams are more disturbing, as in, “this lady should be 5150’d,” not in a charming incestual way. For instance, I once had a dream that I was the last person on earth, and it was my job to bury all the leftover bodies from people who’d died of the plague. Another winner is the dream in which a fatal strain of rabies becomes an airborne epidemic, and a family member catches it, so it’s my job to kill that person before they attack me. Last night, I had a dream about someone who has been dead for five years, that it was my job to take care of him while he was dying of cancer. Umm…I’m starting to notice a pattern – I take on way too much responsibility. Please don’t be frightened. Shit. This is how I scare people away…
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Yeah, this is why your husband’s leaving you next weekend.Oh yeah, and by the way, your husband is leaving you next weekend.
charity jill says:
I married my cousin. In real life. We found out after we started dating that my great-aunt was married to his dad’s cousin. Found out at a family funeral. I regularly dream that I’m getting married to someone who isn’t my husband, and I think, “But I don’t love you, I love Lance. What happened to Lance?” At these weddings there is English-country-style dancing, and centaurs.
D.J. Paris says:
charity jill Wait… YOU TOTALLY GLOSSED OVER THE BANGING YOUR COUSIN THING.Please don’t have children. No wait – please DO have children! You can take them on tour to county fairs and stuff!”See the imp!”
charity jill says:
tfpHumorBlog charity jill We should be so lucky to have an imp! “A Lannister always pays his debts.”
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom says:
So many disturbing dreams, I don’t know which to share, so I’ll share two. I wrote this song: http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/window/media/page/0,,194665-328669,00.html. (Shameless plug). about a dwarf and a loaf of bread, among other things. And my favorite from years ago – I’m in a grocery store and the muzak is playing my music as I open the door to the freezer, step in and step out onto the countryside where I follow a path of guitar picks to a cottage. I ascend the steps, open a wooden door and see a bed with a figure in it, the covers pulled up over its head. I reach over and pull back the blankets to find a nun in full habit! BAHH!! Then I woke up. I know…yes, years of therapy.
Banana Stickers says:
I once had a dream that I gave birth to myself in the middle of the woods. Literally, a fully grown version of myself. Except I was deformed. As I lay dying, this “me thing”, covered in all sorts of awful, was crawling towards me in this quick, jerky fasion, and I knew it was going to eat me. I woke up right as it came up to my face and shrieked.That’s one of my more “milder” dreams, but by far one of the most interesting ones I’ve ever had.
D.J. Paris says:
Banana Stickers Wow – that’s pretty disturbing. I’d hightail it to a bottle of scotch and try to kill away that memory.
inthemomlight says:
I don’t sleep because of my kids so I don’t dream, but my cousin once told me (why the fuck she told me this I still wonder to this day as I throw up in my mouth thinking about it) about a dream she had. She dreamed that she walked in on my adopted teenage cousin jerking off and he, well, I can’t even say it, all over her. WTF??????? seriously wtf? Her sharing this f’d up shit has haunted me for years and now it shall haunt who ever reads this – cue the plan laugh mooo ooo ooo ahh ahh ahhhh.
D.J. Paris says:
inthemomlight If I had a stepmom and she was a 10, I’d jerk off to it. Who am I kidding. I beat it to the mailwoman, and she’s only a 5.
Craziness Abounds says:
They say dreams reflect what you fear or what you really want to happen. So you may need to talk to your therapist SOON! haha Sorry I rarely get a chance to mock you. (That was a joke of course but I’m trying to make you feel better.)
D.J. Paris says:
Craziness Abounds I actually almost met both those women at different times, funny enough. That was years ago, but I was bummed. And mock away!
frazzledmomlife says:
Weirdest dream I ever had several years ago…sex dream…with Fabio (And yes… I do mean the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” guy.) I woke up from that one and puked, I was so grossed out. Most recently I had a dream that my house was infested with bees. It was so vivid I could remember the feeling of the bees running into me, the smell and taste of the bug fogger I used to kill them. Kinda freaky. All because I saw a single bee on my back porch a few days ago.
frazzledmomlife says:
That’s not that bad really…weird, sure, but at least you woke up before it got to freaky territory. Weirdest disturbing dream I ever had several years
ago…sex dream…with Fabio (And yes… I do mean the “I Can’t Believe
It’s Not Butter” guy.) I woke up from that one and puked, I was so
grossed out. Most recently I had a dream that my house was
infested with bees. It was so vivid I could remember the feeling of the
bees running into me, the smell and taste of the bug fogger I used to
kill them. Kinda freaky. All because I saw a single bee on my back porch
a few days ago.
D.J. Paris says:
frazzledmomlife Sex with Fabio is NOT gross. It’s dynamic, tender and powerful lovemaking.I mean, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
frazzledmomlife says:
tfpHumorBlog It IS disturbing if your ‘type’ is dark hair/green eyes with a good dose of nerdy snarky humor.
D.J. Paris says:
frazzledmomlife Good luck with the .3% of dudes who have green eyes. I heard that they’re all homos.
frazzledmomlife says:
tfpHumorBlog Funny. My husband’s not.
frazzledmomlife says:
tfpHumorBlog Funny… I know from rather extensive experience that they aren’t. I’m married to one green-eyed nerdy/snarky engineer.
CrazedKitchen says:
No crazy dreams to share here, but I was once rejected by Paris Hilton in real life. Some friends and I were sitting in a booth at a party and she walked up to us, looked us all over, then walked away. I guess we just didn’t make the cut.
D.J. Paris says:
CrazedKitchen She was right to do it! You’re not good enough!
JenOsaurus says:
I used to dream about war every night – everything from building shelter to rolling ciggs to killing people with my hands. It was disturbing. But I’d rather type about last night’s dream…I made Neal Patrick Harris feel me up while Shamu watched. NPH cried and told he didn’t want to do it because it felt disrespectful to his partner. I didn’t care. I was also wearing Army green, which is really scary because I’m definitely a summer.
D.J. Paris says:
JenOsaurus I love how rolling ciggs is related to war. Hipster douchebags do this all the time. Ha.
Roeverdatteren says:
I once dreamt my own funeral. As in, really, I was looking at all these mourning people and realized I knew every single one of them. Then I looked into the casket and found myself in it. Oddly, that dream didn’t scare me.
D.J. Paris says:
Roeverdatteren Did you look hot?
Roeverdatteren says:
tfpHumorBlog Roeverdatteren Of course I looked hot.