I was on a date this Saturday and we visited a craft fair.
Now, normally I can only be found at fairs that start with the word Renaissance and spell fair with an “e” . Before you judge, I’d like to reiterate that I do NOT, under any circumstance, dress up as a knight or knave . Even though that would be awesome, I simply don’t have the courage. It’s a whole other level of commitment I can’t seem to summon.
Earlier in the date my date had taken me to a photography exhibit for her friend and dropped a king’s ransom on an original black and white. This was the first big art purchase since moving into her townhome. She was pumped. Also, woozy from the money she just dropped. But we were both jazzed about the idea of picking up some additional art for her place at this craft fair.
I also wanted to buy something for my condo. I figured I would identify a fun piece to put up on a wall.
The challenge is that at an art/craft fair, I have to find something I can’t live without. It must speak to me and whisper in a low and sultry timbre. Calling to me like a siren and all that sexy shit.
Or it must make me laugh. Hard.
Well, I stumbled across this mobile art booth and I saw IT. This one didn’t speak to me like an adult film actress on quaaludes. No, it shouted from the mountaintops, “I declare myself the most amazing piece of art EVER!”
Now, mind you, I already own the most amazing piece of art ever. It’s hanging in my bathroom. But this one is a close second.
Before you get all offended and put-out, let me qualify this purchase. First, I dig Jesus. I was raised Christian and it’s just fine by me. I don’t hit church up except for Christmas, but that’s because I’m lazy and like to watch Meet the Press. Also, the ten commandments are a pretty decent list of dos and don’ts. I don’t know what they were thinking with the covet ones, but whatever. Nobody’s perfect. Oh wait, Jesus is.
Anyhow, the idea of Jesus terrorizing people is kind of funny. I mean, it’s just a great use of juxtaposition. Perfect use, actually.
It’s like calling a fat guy “Slim” – it’s just funny.
Clearly I doubt Jesus would return to earth as a forty-foot incarnation and scare the bejeezus (see what I did there?) out of everyone. That’s the joke. And it’s a good one.
Except… well…
I have this thing where I never want to offend anyone. If I put this up in my second bathroom and invite over a bunch of fundamentalist bible types, this may upset them. They probably won’t get the joke. Of course, I don’t know any people like this, nor would I have them over for finger foods even if I did have them in my Rolodex. I’m probably overthinking the whole “offending people” thing.
So, I’m trying to figure out where this piece of beauty goes in the house. I’ll probably settle for the guest bedroom. Above the bed would be a funny place to hang it.
By the way, out of the hundred or so pieces in this kiosk (many had Jesus riding dinosaurs for some odd reason), the woman said this was their best selling item.
I’ll be a little embarrassed to take it to Jo-Ann Fabrics to get it framed, sure. I’ll feel the need to explain the joke to the person working in custom framing. Then I’ll present him with the coupon for 50% off. Victory!
Laura says:
Thanks for the early morning chuckle. I think the entryway would be the perfect location for this piece – alongside the repurposed confessional that now serves as a place guests can hang their coats when they enter your home. (re: this confessional thing — it is actually a dream of mine to have one in the entryway of my home So, if you ever come across one at a faire, let me know)
D.J. Paris says:
I did put it in the entryway. So far, only received positive response. The confessional is a GREAT idea. I’m not a Catholic, but I would convert just to get one for the house.
Brian OC says:
I think that picture is awesome too. And I was raised Catholic. To be honest, if you’re worried about offending people of the demographic you’re likely to have at your home, I would say the Dali is riskier. He and Franco were a little too cosy for the comfort of a lot of people on the Spanish left. I wouldn’t judge anyone who hung his artwork, as I appreciate the artistry, but I wouldn’t have it my home.
(To be precise we do have some Dali in my home, belonging to my Hispanophile wife, but it’s not on the wall since I expressed my reservations. Guernica hangs in the kids playroom which I guess might seem offensive to some anyway.)
Birdman says:
I have to admit; I’m pretty jealous of that skookum find. I am going to copy it onto my desktop and phone wallpaper. Thanks for the joy.
Lovelyn says:
That is a great piece of art. It definitely belongs in the guest bedroom.
Kate Hall says:
Initially, I laughed out loud when I saw it, then I thought, wait, should I be laughing? It’s very funny. Put it in the background where you do most of your vlogs. It’s like when I laugh watching Breaking Bad – I think, should I be laughing at this? But it’s so stinking funny!
Gina M. says:
What a great find, I am seething with jealousy!
Melissa says:
You are right this IS the best piece of artwork ever! I think you put it at the end of a hallway leading to a bathroom on a small wall in full view so that way it looks as though Jesus is coming out of the wall/your room and scaring a crowd of people on his way down the hall. That’s just me, though.
Loved it!
Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings says:
No, this is funny. You’re right about that. I like to think that Jesus has a sense of humor…
Lorri Neal says:
I really, really love this! But you’re right I’m pretty sure right it is sacrilegious, in the best way! I have decided that if people don’t have a sense of humor they won’t get it, but me, I was all over it! I feel confident I will be laughing about it all day, thanks Paris.
CarryMyStyle says:
Haha, what a funny piece of art:)
Carrymystyle.com
Holly says:
Haha! Love this and I’m one if those religious types great post.
emmjaepenniman says:
Hhahaha…. I would love to see bible thumpers if they saw the picture… thanx for the link to ur blog. ..
Lady Bren says:
I love it
If it wasn’t for the fact that my daughter is attending one of the Baptist Bible colleges I’d love to have a print on my fridge, cause let’s face it that’s where the cool people always wind up
Rachelle says:
I think the guest bedroom is a safer bet than the bathroom. Something about Jesus and doing your business just seems wrong. Plus, I think most sane people would realize this as a joke.
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, but sometime I bang chicks in the second bedroom and Jesus doesn’t need to see that.
Kidding.
Carletta says:
Being from Ohio, land of “Touchdown Jesus”, I can see the humor in it. And, the almost serious message! I am a Christian who goes to church regularly, but I don’t find this offensive. I believe God has a sense of humor, too!
Karen says:
I’m from Cincinnati and I think you may be talking about the giant Jesus on the way to Dayton. We always called him Butter Jesus. At least before the fire. I thought Touchdown Jesus was the Jesus in the Notre Dame stadium in South Bend.
D.J. Paris says:
Girls fighting over Jesus. What has the world come to?! Ha!
D.J. Paris says:
God does have a sense of humor, I think. If not, I’m in deep shit.
Karen says:
1. You are my new favorite blogger.
2. Were you at the Renegade Craft Fair(e)? I’m dying to go to that thing (In SF. Where I live.)
D.J. Paris says:
You are right to call me your new favorite blogger. Hmm… never been to the renegade fair, but I live here in Chicago, so… 🙂
Jen says:
This is my first visit to your site and, seeing as you made me laugh out loud AND snort coffee out my nose, I’m obviously your new number one fan!
Please place the most amazing piece of art EVER someplace prominent in your home. It’s awesome, and could be better than a guard dog for weeding out the crazies!
D.J. Paris says:
I’m so glad I made coffee come out your nose. That may be a first for me.
I did put it in my main hallway. So far, everyone has laughed.
But let’s get back to you being my number one fan! 🙂
lunik says:
ha ha @ 40 foot Jeesus 😀 I also doubt that he would return as 40 foot as accommodation is at a premium these days and no matter how many good samaritans there are living in a row and happy to do some renovation work that is a lot of holy flesh to accommodate.
Love your thoughts 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Lunik – you’re response was weirder than anything I could have written myself! 🙂
Cheryl says:
This really made me laugh. As a non practicing Catholic,that Jesus picture brings back memories…Is the picture velvet?
D.J. Paris says:
Isn’t a non-practicing Catholic just not-Catholic? No velvet – I have class, madame!
Carisa says:
I think you should hang it in MY house. That way you won’t offend anyone, and I will be happy.
Cheers
Carisa
D.J. Paris says:
Done! I’ll be over at eight.
mike says:
I agree, dressing up would be cool but I would never dare do it. I am insecure enough without being ridiculed more. But a knight would kind of be cool.
D.J. Paris says:
Stop being insecure, you loser! Ha – that was too easy.