About once every two years I meet someone during the winter who proudly exclaims, “I love winter!” You ever stumble across one of these foolios?
I look at him (it’s always a him) and I say, “I don’t believe you.”
By the way, these winter-lovers always talk about it from the office at work which is already comfortably heated to 72 degrees.
During this monologue they’ll wax poetic about how they’ve always loved the cold, the snow, skiing, and tobogganing down the hill at the local park with with grandpa.
Because my bullshit detector needle is rattling like crazy, I then say, “So – you honestly, even today, feel better in the cold then in the warm sun?”
And then it’s always, “I sure do!”
I immediately cross the bozo off next year’s holiday card list. Because this is a filthy liar. Nobody actually prefers cold over heat. Sure, a nice glass of ice water is perfect on a hot summer day, but that’s about it.
Winter rots. You get no sun, the women all wear too much clothes to make out their curves, and the ice cream shops close down. Plus, people are generally miserable. You have to stay inside, you develop colds, and you put on weight. You may even pick up that affect disorder thing.
You know what really skeeves me out? That grey mound of snow that is piled eight feet high in the corner of the supermarket parking lot from January through the end of February. I’m pretty sure it’s frozen cancer.
But when we think about winter, our minds trick us. We often reminisce of the fun times in our youth. Shoveling the driveway with dad, opening up Christmas presents, going ice skating, drinking hot chocolate, and warming near the fire.
But we don’t actually like winter.
Just like 33 year old women don’t actually like Poison.
But get a group of ex-sorority girls drunk on lemon drops during karaoke night, and four will stumble on stage and sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn.
Here’s how you know that song is a sack of farts. Because nobody sober ever pulls out a cd of Poison’s Greatest Hits. You don’t own the album, and it’s not on your mp3 player.
The same goes for winter. It blows. Admit the mofo.
You notice how you never hear anyone on the beach in mid-July shaking their fist angrily at the sky yelling, “Enough of this sun shit – bring on a refreshing blizzard!”? If you did, you’d step away slowly never turning your back on this obviously dangerous psychopath.
So, for all you people that need to be different and tell everyone how much you love the winter, fine. Go outside.
wilyguy says:
Interesting. I thought I liked winter until I was made into quite the douchenozzle. Living in the Mid-Atlantic “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” zone of these United States, summer sucks! There are only so many clothes you can take off and falling backwards into a pool while drinking tea just isn’t gonna happen in the cell phone costs more than my car payment. When the winter comes, I admit to enjoying a little paralysis of some snow. I’m not leaping to go shovel the driveway, but I do enjoy a little snowball fight and maybe some sledding.
Despite all this, I have enjoyed reading your posts thus far.
WG
<A href=”http://itsmynd.com”>http://itsmynd.com</a>
FromParisWithLove says:
I love winter. I live in the south, like deep south. Every other season just sucks. Fall and spring aren’t “hot” enough to trigger the air conditioning, thus making it uncomfortably humid… All the time. I mean, I could turn it down, but who wants that bill? Summer is just my kryptonite. My face produces more oil than Saudi Arabia. This in turn leads to me running around like my pants are on fire looking for the nearest sink to yet again wash my face for the 239846239756th time that day when the oil floods my eyes.
For the record, I love the cold. I wear shorts and flip flops when it is 40 degrees out. It’s refreshing. We never get in the negatives, and snow is a real treat. If you deem me crazy, you wouldn’t be the first. I mean, people ask me if I am alright when I wear pants during the winter time. So bring on the winter!
circustoybox says:
I live in Hawaii, so it’s really perpetual summer. I guess “winter” is the only interesting thing about our weather. It doesn’t even really rain, it just gets windy. But I love snuggling under the blankets and an excuse for hot cocoa.
The coldest I can get is on a bus every morning, the bus drivers here love to blast the air conditioners for whatever reason leaving me with my teeth chattering. And for the first time I intentionally sit out of the shade into the sun because I am so cold.
Of course, being raised in Hawaii, I figure everyone else must think my idea of cold is a fine day…
jennapooh1971 says:
I have doubtless let enough slip for you to realize that I am a jerk, a foolio, a bozo, a filthy liar, and a dangerous psychopath. What I did learn from this post is that apparently I’m also male. That’s going to cause some issues. And possibly require therapy. Well, more therapy.
You’re dead on about Poison though, not even on my wonked out mp3 player. Not enough terrabytes in the world, my friend.
Sonja Rois says:
I hate winter. H-A-T-E it!!! (I used 3 exclimation points so you know I’m serious.) I am so much enjoying my first winter in FL rather than MI. The lack of snow and being able to sit outside in my t-shirt are making me so giddy I just about pee myself every morning I wake up to that beautiful sunshine.However, I am 34 and I do own Poison’s Greatest Hits. And do listed to it regularly. And do have it on my MP3 player. And on my radio in my car. I think I need some professional help, because I also own Solo albums from some of the members. But I will walk with my head held high and admit to my ownership, as long as I don’t have to walk through snow to do it.
Brad Rigg says:
Go to Finland. The short summer all the Finn’s stay inside to avoid sunburn. As soon as the first snowflakes fall in July happy children, old people and lovers fill the streets singing, dancing and drinking copious amounts of vodka.
This is not a joke.