I need to tell on myself, to once again reveal an insecurity.
Last night a woman contacted me online, who happens to be the wife of a national television news anchor. (…and no, this isn’t Gertie Rather)
I just guessed that Dan Rather’s wife would be called Gertrude, even though a simple Google search revealed that she is actually named Jean.
Since I’m so enamored with celebrity I became super-excited, as if this meant something important. Like I’ve made it or gone big time. When I asked if she ever sends my stories to her husband, she said she did. I became so incredibly elated that I actually fist–punched the air and said, “Yes!”
Let’s play that back. I fist-pumped to a woman who is the wife of a tv news correspondent. That is how desperate I am for celebrity attention.
Now, I judge this as incredibly silly and sad, but that’s how I felt at that moment. And, since I don’t watch sports, it’s probably not a lot different than if your team wins a big game and you scream in celebration at the television.
And as I think about it further, the reason why I get so excited is that I somehow feel validated. You may think that I’m insecure about my blog. But I’m really not. I already like my writing. I don’t love it, I don’t think it’s brilliant, but I like it fine. If you told me it sucked, I don’t think that would bother me. I don’t think it sucks.
I do feel, however, like a failure much of the time at life. I have thoughts like, “If you really would have been writing for years, you would have more success by now!” In other words, where I’m at just isn’t good enough.
Which means that I can never be truly happy, because there’s always something more to do or be.
But when somebody I deem important (in this case, wife of someone on tv) likes it, it means I’m really cool.
And my whole life, I’ve always wanted to be cool.
I actually sit around sometimes and think, “If only network executives or publishers read my stories, that would be sure to offer me a development or book deal!” Of course, this is complete nonsense, and I’m clear that stuff is way out of my control. Also, I may or may not have those skill-sets.
And might not even be something I would want if I got it.
So, it’s apparent I still have some work to do. To be honest, when I got married, I was VERY excited to tell people I married a veterinarian. That was my way of showing off – “Look what I can attract! I’m cool!”
It’s this idea of have something else tell me I’m worthy because I often can’t do that myself.
This is my confession – I value stupid things like celebrity. I wish I didn’t.
So, I know this isn’t particularly funny or interesting, but it’s true.
Also, if you are a celebrity and read this, I am totally a big fan and think you are better than me. Please love me.