The fine people at StupidAssQuestions asked me to respond to stupid ass questions. I think they wanted me to choose just one from the bunch they sent, but I answered everything. They were so taken with my wit that they featured me for a full week. I had a blast and am proud have been part of their silliness.
I’ve included the artwork they created for each question. Please subscribe to their Facebook page.
Monday
Dear Stupid Ass Questions – The company I work for requires that I submit my travel expenses once a month. By accident I submitted the same one twice. They sent me an email saying it was already paid and, “STOP trying to rip them off”. Do you think that’s grounds for a lawsuit? I mean it sounds like a threat to me.
D.J. – Yes, yes, one thousand times yes! Anyone who ever challenges your character should be held to the full extent of a frivolous lawsuit. Here’s what to do. Drive down around the poor area of your town (hint: head south) and look up. It’s irrefutable that only the best attorneys advertise on billboards. If you can find one whose dress shirt is rolled up past his elbow exposing a chiseled forearm, that’s your man. He’ll fight for you. Hell, it’s written right there on the billboard!
Tuesday
Dear Stupid Ass Questions – I have always wanted to be a dentist, but I heard I’d have to go to college. My brother works for a mortician and he said he’d sneak me in at night to practice on the dead if I kept the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m afraid of the dark so what gives off more light a flashlight or my iphone?
D.J. – First of all, who has ever asked to see a dentist’s medical degree? Nobody. So, don’t worry about college. Second, how cool would it be to clean the teeth of a stabbing victim? ONLY THE COOLEST THING EVER. And think about this. The stabbed guy probably has a lot of gashes in his chest and gut, right? You want to draw attention away from the knife fight he was in earlier that day. His family is already devastated, but when they come to examine the body they won’t help but be impressed about his new veneers.
Wednesday
Dear Stupid Ass Questions – I don’t feel like going grocery shopping THEN coming home and cooking tonight. Do you think my husband will notice if I give him cat food? I’ll tell him it’s a new gourmet pate’.
D.J. – I think this is reasonable considering all the money he is spending on his mistress.
Thursday
Dear Stupid Ass Questions – I recently took my in laws to an all you can eat buffet. My fiance got all bent out of shape when I pulled my chair up to the buffet and began eating out of the bowls. She said I wasacting ill mannered. Was I suppose to let my fiance’s parents go first?
D.J. – It’s never ill mannered to go for what you want with passion. If peel-and-eat shrimp with poop veins is your thing, do not let anyone stand in front of your dream. And also, remember that your fiance’s parents are the reason that she’s crazy. Her inability to trust men has is because Daddy wasn’t emotionally present when she was seven. And now you’re supposed to reward their bad behavior by giving up pole position at the omelette bar? No-siree-bob.
Friday
Dear Stupid Ass Questions – I got a parking ticket while driving a rental car. When I returned the car to the rental agent I gave her the ticket and told her that her car got a ticket. She got real mad and told me I’m an idiot and it was mine to pay. I just left it there and walked away. My question is, should I ever rent a car from them again if they don’t pay their parking tickets?
D.J. – The real victim in this story is the dope at the return-car-area making $9 an hour who had to steam-clean your farts out of the cloth driver’s seat. Also, the rental company will be nonplussed that you stuck them with a $200 fine for parking sideways in a handicapped space at Walgreens. For your own safety I would head to Alaska and start a new life working the traps on a fishing boat. You won’t see your family ever again, but let’s face it, they won’t miss you.
