I’m not even going to pretend I won’t write about my cat anymore.
But this post is about revenge, people.
In the past I’ve talked about how I’ve fantasized of beating her silly each time she urinates outside the box. People were really upset that I admitted to having that thought. But every mom has had the idea of wringing their child’s neck at least once, and unless you have a really uncool local police that convicts people with crimes of the mind, it’s totally normal to have those moments. So, to reiterate, I have never beaten my cat.
I beat her mentally today though.
Oh, one last fantasy. Well, the word fantasy is a bit strong. But I always thought it would be funny if I made one’s and two’s in her litter box, just to show her whose boss. I’m boss, you hear me, cat! I’m boss!
During Christmas break I was in Peoria, IL at my childhood home. Thankfully the parents still live there or I’d be camping out in some other kid’s bedroom. (that joke really bombed) Anynuts, instead of leaving my cat alone for seven days which would be borderline cruel, I decided to take her to the groomer. Not to be groomed, mind you, but to be boarded.
The groomer, Galdy, handles the dog when I’m away. She sleeps with him and everything. He’s awesome. It occurred to me that he might take cats. He does. So, for only the fourth time in her life of four years, she was going to leave the condo. Even though she walks around on my deck and never down the wooden steps, she is not used to leaving the condo. I mean, she’s freaked like I’m sure any cat would be. I just had to get her to the car and she crawled under the passenger seat dash and was cool. I think she was meowing the whole time but I was jamming out to old Ted Nugent with my earbuds in. Wang Dang Sweet Poontang is a classic, readers!
When I got to Galdy I remember that he was, first, a groomer. I know this sounds silly, but I had forgotten because neither my cat nor dog had ever been groomed. It just isn’t necessary for them.
As I was paying I was reminded of an ex-cat that my wife and I had who looked like a big lion. He had all sorts of ailments and couldn’t clean himself well, so my ex would have her vet techs give him a lion cut every few months. It was hilarious.
Can you do a lion cut?
But, of course!
This is how goofy I am. I didn’t really order the lion cut to get back at my cat. I love her and I’ve grown to accept her occasional cat pee blunders. When she’s on her meds, she’s great. The truth is that I wanted to do the lion cut because I thought it would make for a hilarious story. And a decent blog post.
When I went to pick her up today she was running around the groomers and just looked ridiculous. I loved it. Now that she’s home she’s happy as a clam and I’m glad to have her back. The dog’s happy, too.
Sadly, this picture doesn’t do the ridiculousness justice. But, it’s a start.
Charla says:
Oh. Em. Gee. Your cat looks so much like mine, I made him look at the at picture and told him he should be happy I love him so much. Great threat. See what happens when you pee outside the box? See? Don’t be that cat.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh, I’m sure you can find a reason to skim him anyway. Be creative!
Jenn says:
You were right: hilarious story and a great blog post. I love my cats, but cat-shaming is WAY funnier than dog-shaming. Probably because cats are such vengeful little creatures; they get it that they’re being shamed.
D.J. Paris says:
Cat shaming – I love it. I also tell her she’s very bad and that’s why she gets punished. Just like we do to children.
Jenn says:
I have multiples, so I tell them things like, “Why can’t you be more like the other cat? SHE’s a GOOD cat.” and, “I would love you more if you were a better cat.” The abuse makes them snuggle more.
JeanL says:
I didn’t think it possible, but a short hair cat with a lion cut looks even more ridiculous than my long hair Kitty did when else had to have her shaved!
D.J. Paris says:
I know – the short hair looks even weirder for some reason!
Arbine says:
Oh man. That picture. So ridiculous but so funny at the same time.
D.J. Paris says:
I know – it’s great. She doesn’t care one bit.
Quirky Chrissy says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The phrase LOL doesn’t even begin to cover the amount of out loud laughing that just went down in my apartment. Well done.
D.J. Paris says:
Next time please film said laughing. Thanks!
Julie DeNeen says:
Cat shaming DJ? Really? That’s a new low. But it is kinda funny too 😛
D.J. Paris says:
Just for that I’m canceling your interview! Looks like you’ll have to do the lowly Dr. Drew show from now on instead of my ratings blockbuster!
nothingbythebook says:
You realize she’s just plotting *her* revenge on you now? You can never, ever win with a cat.
Leslie says:
If your cat is peeing outside her box, there is a problem and it is your responsibility to figure that out as her caregiver. Either she does not the kitty litter or she is sick. Many of the litters are made to please the humans, not the cats. Best recommendation is scentless clumping sand litter. Give it a try. Otherwise, she could have diabetes or kidney problems. Cats are, by nature, very clean and do not pee outside the box for no reason. Taking out your psychological issues on her is disturbing.
Ellie says:
When you said you got back at your cat, I was envisioning you peeing on his bed in revenge…..Oh, how wrong I was…
Mary Wallace (@ViolaFury) says:
LOL, Years and years ago, we had a cat that was part-Persian and Manx. He had “hydra-nut;” one testicle up inside and was also a non-groomer. When we had him fixed, because he was climbing our neighbor’s screens to get at his mother, a purebred female Persian and being an all-around general bad neighbor, my father took him to the Vet to get fixed and asked him to groom the cat or “something,” because he wouldn’t “comb himself,” (the cat was all matted) and he looked like a “bowling ball.” My father’s exact words. When my mother and I went to pick up the cat that night, we were handed a groggy pink worm with a fuzzy head. Your lion cut reminds me of that. I don’t remember our cat being particularly shamed. Great post, DJ!
Diana says:
I had a cat that got a lion cut every summer because it gets so hot. I think they are adorable!
Landmark Cinemas Peoria says:
, thank you very much for posting this! It is gonna help when I am thinking about going to Landmark Cinemas in Peoria! I am from Rochester, NY so I am not familiar with Peoria. Next time I visit my family will be so much better! Super Amazing!