Why?
Some bozo bought the stained-green-used-dental-Xray-vest out from under me. Yes, the stained-green-used-dental-Xray-vest that was once owned and operated by Dr. Wang and still bared his name in cursive.
I wasn’t paying attention to the bidding, and I guess I just never thought somebody’s self esteem would be low enough to buy this. Other than me.
Think of how bad you must feel about yourself to purchase this piece. I wanted it half to get the good rush of a heavy vest while laying down, but also half to use as material for future blog posts. It would have been hilarious. I’m guessing the person that bought this was for real.
Are they an amateur dentist? Playing in one of those paintball tournaments? Involved with a street tackle football league?
I was buying it for a goof and to have something heavy push on me. Is their reason more sinister than that?
I’m good and mad at myself (note: need to say “good and mad” more often) for letting someone make off with my vest. Better this way I suppose. I suspect there’s a good amount of cancer trapped in the lead of that vest. My understanding is that lead traps cancer.
So, my next step? Save up for the big one. The big one, D.J.? You betcha.
A 20lb weighted blanket. These can go for up to $300. Which is a lot of dough to cough up unseen considering you can’t go down to the local IKEA and try it out first.
You know what’s weird about IKEA? That you can have a disgusting Swedish lunch while on your shopping spree to buy a lampshade that is mildy trendy but does not exceed $8. You shouldn’t really need to gnosh on salmon during this buy.
It’s a tough decision because if I don’t like the weighted blanket, I can’t imagine it would be easy to unload on Craigslist. Nobody wants to buy someone else’s heavy linens unless I run into a serious autistic bargain hunter.
My girlfriend’s flying in this weekend – perhaps this could be a early birthday present? Dare to dream. Dare to dream.
mwar8811 says:
I’m glad you didn’t get the stained vest. The blanket looks way more comfy!
D.J. Paris says:
@mwar8811 Yes, but way less hilarious.
Sheri_Hart says:
Thanks for the Twitter follow. It led me here, and I haven’t laughed so much in ages. And I really needed it today.
You’re a very funny, and strange, guy.
I’ll be back for more.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sheri_Hart Wow – you really ought to raise your standards. Speaking of, check out the stories to the right where I reported on seeing my dad’s private areas this past year. Totally not strange.
YoungmanBrown says:
Wait, can you please please explain (either on here or in a future post) what the point of a lead blanket is? Especially a children’s themed one?
And do me a favor. If you have not actually watched Toy Story… RENT IT. This weekend, rent it and watch it with the lady. All three are such great movies. The third actually brought me to tears.
D.J. Paris says:
@YoungmanBrown The blanket produces huge amounts of comfort. If you don’t know what I mean, you’re not horribly sick like me. And second, for crying at Toy Story 3 – gay.
BitingLife says:
I swear it wasn’t me 😉 Good luck!
D.J. Paris says:
@BitingLife If I see you wearing that vest around town, I’m going to hire someone to run up behind you and knock out the heels of your stilletos so you’ll just be wearing flats. You’ll be so embarrassed!
BitingLife says:
@delfinparis Hahahahahaha this made me laugh so hard. I WOULD be incredibly embarrassed! You give good threats.
bethie_likes says:
@tfphumorblog thanks 4 following me