Let’s face it – some cops are dicks.
Not all, of course. But many of them are ex-jocks in high school who got bald and fat and still like to bully people. I personally have no issue with cops, as I don’t think I’ve actually spoken to one in years. I stay out of trouble, and they stay away from me.
Except for tonight.
I was heading from Chicago to Peoria earlier this evening. My parents asked if I wanted to come home for the weekend just to hang out. Since my dance card is only partially full (I still have seven episodes of Arrested Development that I need to complete to have seen the entire series three times), I decided to make the trip.
I drive a few back-country roads to get home, and the best thing about them is that you can speed like a moron. I love it, and have always had a radar detector. Sadly, mine broke a few months back and I haven’t replaced it.
Cruising along at 75 in a 55 zone, I saw flashing red and blues. For the first time in over a dozen years, I was being pulled over. I pulled the headphones out of my ears and fumbled for my driver’s license. I wanted to be prepared.
I also started cleaning up the Starburst and Corn Nuts wrappers littered about my console. No need to show him how I really live.
I’m smart enough to know that the only way to play this is through subservience. Make the guy feel like he’s in charge, and treat him with massive respect. He comes to the window.
How are you doing tonight?
Well – not so good, now.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
Yes, officer. I was speeding.
It’s actually very dangerous to be going that fast out here. No streetlights, and a few tough turns.
You are absolutely right.
Okay, I’ll be back in a little bit.
He came back seven minutes later handed me my license and a warning. Now, I’m wearing a business suit, my dog is in the seat next to me, and I’m driving a pretty nice car. I look like a yuppie douche. Little did he know that I’m relatively poor, only dressed nice because the boss makes me, and driving a car that my parents handed down. I thought I was going to get a ticket for sure. I figured this guy looked at me and thought I was on easy street. I guess he didn’t.
I think I played it right. Cops probably don’t want to hear you apologize for speeding. Just own your mistake and give them that respect. Look at them in the eye, but without malice. They’re just people. And, yeah, there a few ex-football quarterbacks that have a chip on their shoulder, but if you act vulnerable and honest, you may just get away with going twenty over on a country road.
Katjaneway says:
You’re freaking lucky. The first (and only) time I ever got pulled over, I was on a back country road going 45 in a 30. I was in a car we had just bought – a ’02 Buick Century. A granny car. I was shaking. I didn’t even have my plates yet – I had to hand him our paperwork. I was subservient to the nth degree. He didn’t care. I got a ticket. I was 22, and this was my first offense EVER. As in, I never even got a ticket in my teen years. And he knew that. But, he was a dick. He didn’t even sound like a dick or anything. Seemed rather nice, actually. But, to give a girl a ticket on her first offense? Come on. My roommate Karl got pulled over twice going 70 in a 60, and got 2 warnings. He doesn’t have car insurance, and they never asked him for his insurance card! Why do I have to be the unlucky one?
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway God clearly hates you. Sorry.
momofcomedy says:
That’s a great way to get out of a ticket!… When you don’t have boobs.
D.J. Paris says:
@momofcomedy I do and I’d appreciate you not making fun of them.
HeatherRG says:
It helps spwhen they think you might actually be a decent human being with a brain in your head. I bet your dog helped too.
HeatherRG says:
Good thing cops never make me spell…..
D.J. Paris says:
@HeatherRG The dog helped and when he asked where I was going I told him “getting home to see my family.” Which was technically true, except it was my folks.
about100percent says:
I got pulled over for speeding last week – 66 in a 45. I was following my husband back from purchasing his new company car, in an unfamiliar area. I was so upset for being pulled over that I could barely explain why I was speeding. I’m usually very aware of my speed – I use cruise control everywhere – but I was trying to keep up with my husband so I wouldn’t get lost. My husband actually talked to the cop to see if he would let me off with a warning, and he also let it drop that his brother is also an officer. My ticket was $111. The kicker? I used cruise the rest of the way home, and my husband resumed his speed and I lost him. I ended up taking a wrong turn and ended up coming home 45 minutes after my husband got home. Cops hate me. AND I have boobs. Good ones, too.
D.J. Paris says:
@about100percent Pictures or I don’t believe you. (My girlfriend is not going to appreciate that joke)
BrekkeFerguson says:
I got my first ticket earlier this month in Oregon. I made a stupid rookie mistake and pretty much froze up and was trying really hard not to burst into tears from sheer nerves. Yeah. I was apparently going 83 in a 65. That’s a hefty ticket in Oregon. *facepalm* So…my very first ticket is of course a doozy because I can’t do anything by halves.
D.J. Paris says:
@BrekkeFerguson Oh, crying is good. You should have totally gone there. Nothing is worse than having to deal with a crying woman.
Online Auto Insurance says:
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Andi Roo says:
I cried the last time I got a ticket, & the douche told me to calm down & get control of myself. That made me panic even more. He asked me to step outside the vehicle, & proceeded to test my drunk-ness. Of which I had none. Because I really am just a person who suffers anxiety & hates getting in trouble & fears authority. I teach my kids that cops are who answers your 911 calls, & that they are local heroes who save lives & put themselves in danger to do so… but by Zeus they are mean bastards when given the half the chance. I got no warning that night. I got a full-on ticket. 🙁
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com
D.J. Paris says:
I cried the last time I got a ticket, & the douche told me to calm down & get control of myself. That made me panic even more. He asked me to step outside the vehicle, & proceeded to test my drunk-ness. Of which I had none. Because I really am just a person who suffers anxiety & hates getting in trouble & fears authority. I teach my kids that cops are who answers your 911 calls, & that they are local heroes who save lives & put themselves in danger to do so… but by Zeus they are mean bastards when given the half the chance. I got no warning that night. I got a full-on ticket. 🙁
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com
KareDiane says:
I got my one and only ticket last fall. I was not feeling well, trying to just get there and get get, ignored the fact that I was perhaps driving a tad faster than the other cars…. and it was what it was.