Holding Myself Prisoner

Prisoner Puppet
Holy shit is this terrifying! How is that little girl not stabbing that monster with a ballpoint? I was just looking for a normal photo of a prisoner's outfit! That thing is evil.

Okay, I’ve been writing about this kind of thing a lot lately, but I have to own something embarrassing.

In my condo I have bay windows in the family room. My windows look out over a courtyard and also across the way at my neighbor’s unit. Since there’s only thirty-three units in the building we all sort of know each other. If you don’t know somebody’s first name you certainly know their face.

I actually haven’t formally met the owner of that unit. I think he just recently bought it, or maybe he was renting it out the first six years. Either way, he’s in there now. I can tell just by looking at him that he’s a nice guy.

Even though we’re told not to judge someone on their looks, can’t we tell, most of the time, whether somebody sucks or not based solely on their looks? I definitely can. People that suck look like they suck.

Well, tonight I am writing this post from my bedroom.  So, why am I not in my family room, the preferred place of writing?

Because my neighbor is having a party on his porch. We have these huge wooden decks (never figured out the difference between porches and decks) that you probably associate with Chicago. They’re 10’x20′. He’s got fifteen guys sitting on his porch having cocktails and talking.

My plan tonight was to sit at my coffee table and write. What I mean by this is to literally sit on the floor with my back against the  couch and legs under the table, with the laptop on top. It’s very comfortable to me, but I’m sure it looks completely stupid to anyone else.

The truth is that I don’t want these fifteen guys seeing me do this. Okay, fine, so I just won’t write. I just ordered a video game and I’ll play that. No, I don’t want them to see an adult playing a video game. Fine, I’ll watch Doctor Who. No, I don’t want them to see me alone on a Saturday night watching television.

I know this is a shame thing. By thinking they’re looking at me (they’re not), I assume they’re judging me (they’re not) and that somehow shames me for not doing more responsible “adult” activities. It also must mean that I have no friends (I have friends). So, I am self-banished to my room because I don’t want them to see the real me. In a way it’s kind of funny – I sent myself to my room because I’ve been bad.

And I’m just waiting for them to go out for the evening. Now, I have big curtains, and technically I could close them on the guys. But I would feel like a dick doing that, and I wouldn’t want them to think I was pissed at them.

So, I won’t shut the blinds. I can’t stay there because I don’t want them to see me. I’m in my room.

I’m thirty-six years old and not socially awkward. I’m 100% convinced I could go over and hang out with these men. They appear to  be friendly dudes. But I won’t go.

This only happens like twice a year, so I’m not constantly removing myself from view, but it is indicative of my self-judgment. I can’t wait until I can just think, “Oh yeah, I guess there are a bunch of people over there partying. Good for them. Hey, that sexy Cinemax movie is coming on – let’s peel down to my skivvies and flip it on!”

Okay, I went too far there. I just wanted to say “skivvies.”

So, I’m going to do something courageous (at least to me). I’m about done writing. I’m going to head into my family room, turn the lights on, and start playing my video game in full view of the party. And everything will be okay and nobody will point and laugh. I’ll be uncomfortable but I’ll forget they’re there after an hour or so.

Oh, and nobody tweet me during the Cinemax movie that comes on at 10:30pm – I’m going to be busy. VERY BUSY.

Prisoner Puppet
Holy shit that is terrifying! How is the little girl not stabbing that monster with a ballpoint? I was just looking for a normal photo of a prisoner’s outfit!

photo credit: Troy McClure SF via photo pin cc

21 thoughts on “Holding Myself Prisoner”

  1. thebloggerincognito says:

    1. The paper mache jailbird guy in the photo bears a strong resemblance to GWB.    2. The party was fun…the only thing we would’ve found disturbing would be you self-servicing at the table.   Everything else=fair game.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      thebloggerincognito  Oh – man, you’re right. I had no idea that was Bush. I haven’t yet crossed too far over into craziness to self-service in the middle of a party. But, who knows?

      1. thebloggerincognito says:

        tfpHumorBlog  thebloggerincognito I mean…if the party is feeling a bit stale…

        1. D.J. Paris says:

          thebloggerincognito  tfpHumorBlog  Okay, you sold me. Doing it next time!

  2. AngelicArtwork says:

    I play Everquest2 I am the wrong person to be discussing whether or not someone is being an adult. How many other 38 year olds play mmorpg’s don’t have “a real job” and are up at 4am and haven’t been out all night? Ok, yeah just me…I’ll shut the door on my way out!  Honestly though, I think we all have those kinds of hang ups. I don’t talk about the things I do with my family, especially not my art anymore, I got tired of hearing about “get a real job” so…mostly I don’t tell anyone what I do anymore.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      AngelicArtwork  Hey, as long as you read my blog, you can do whatever the hell you want and you won’t get judgement from me! I was playing The Walking Dead yesterday (episode 1). It’s fantastic.

  3. inthemomlight says:

    you could be like ugly naked guy from friends and lay on your couch and pretend to be dead, but leave your window open a little bit so the guys from across the balcony can fashion a really long stick and poke you through the window to make sure you’re really just sleeping…. sounds fun.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      inthemomlight  The 15 men over at the party next door were not… hmm… exactly into vagina. They may have found some joy in my nakedness.

  4. dadblunders says:

    A porch is a covered entrance to a house. A deck is attached to a house and not covered that can support some weight slightly raised off the ground….that is the difference in a porch and a deck. You might have an entrance’s to the house that isn’t covered and i believe the official term for those are actually stoops.Aaron

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      dadblunders  Yeah – I  actually  knew that. I fibbed a bit for the story. Ha. But thanks.

  5. Katjaneway says:

    If it were me, I wouldn’t even have this problem because the day I would have moved into that condo I would have put up that privacy film on all the windows. There, problem solved! lol We have I think 50 some-odd units are our place. I know NOBODY. Bunch of old people and military. I went to a meeting once and besides the kid that went in place of his mom, I WAS THE YOUNGEST PERSON THERE. Ugh.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Katjaneway  privacy film? You may have just saved me life.

      1. Katjaneway says:

        I moved into my first apartment away from my parents where I was used to 5 acres of land and no neighbors. I was on the third floor with no apartments across from me. After my attempt at building a bamboo barrier  on my deck failed, I bought the privacy film… as if people could actually see into my apartment lol on the plus side, though, you can also get it to reflect sunlight if it beats into your space all day.

  6. Irene Barnett says:

    Wow. To be inside that head of yours….wow.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Irene Barnett  It’s quite… hmm… well, it’s probably like anyone else’s. Just with more funny.

  7. Craziness Abounds says:

    Why don’t you just go meet the guy and find out if he’s a nice guy and whether or not you’d like to hang out some time.. Why are men so weirded out by stuff like this? haha

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Craziness Abounds  Oh, I’m not weirded out at all. I just didn’t want to – and that’s the real question. Why?

  8. passwordtolong says:

    @tfpHumorBlog Wherever on earth is you are most welcome.

  9. MarieLoerzel says:

    Ok, we were totally opposite on the packing post.  But we’re totally alike in this one.  Except I’m 42,  socially awkward, don’t like video games and don’t have cinemax.  ‘Cept for that.

  10. kaseykakes says:

    This made me laugh. Lots. Because the whole time I was reading I was thinking “Doesn’t he have curtains?” Well you do, but that had it’s own set of problems.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      kaseykakes  I do have curtains! But it’s kind of a big F You to close them in front of someone. If I need to do something intimate (take care of… uh..) I go somewhere I cannot be easily seen. But now that I think about it – I have bay windows in that room too and a building directly across the street. Never lowered the blinds once.

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