I sort of got into it with my therapist today.
A problem I’ve had throughout my love life has been getting women to agree with me on all my opinions. If you disagree with my stance on something I feel passionate about, I take it as a personal attack. I then think we’re not a united front and mismatched. But I also think you’re lying about your position. That, under sodium pentothal and a heat lamp, you would admit that my stance on the topic was, in fact, your stance.
So, to sum up – you’re disagreeing with me to intentionally spar. This means that you really hate me, because why wouldn’t you just say, “Hey, that’s a really great opinion!”? So, since you hate me – I have to attack you to defend myself.
Once again – you know I’m right. You don’t want to concede I’m right. You make up a bullshit opposing position. I don’t believe you and try to get you to admit you’re lying. I get increasingly upset that you won’t admit you’re lying. I accuse you of horribly malicious stuff.
Can you imagine you’re dating me and just have a different opinion on a topic where I believe I’m right? After a few experiences with my insanity, you’re going to keep those viewpoints to yourself. And you’re going to feel that I don’t respect or acknowledge your thoughts. Basically, I’m going to make you feel like shit.
Welcome to my crazy.
I was telling my therapist all about this today – and just to put a few points in my good-guy column, I know this is nuts. I understand how this is all in my head and not appropriate behavior and that it can damage relationships. Plus, it’s plain not fair to my partner.
However, I never do any of it on purpose. I’m not trying to be combative. In the moment where you’re sharing a different viewpoint – I actually think you’re lying.
During therapy I wanted to work on me not needing my girlfriend to agree with me on every little topic. And also to not see every differing opinion as a personal attack. Even though I may think she’s wrong, she may think she’s right, and it’s okay to make room for her beliefs.
We worked on some basic active listening skills and what to do when I’m caught up in the moment and feeling attacked. I wanted to go back to the psychological roots of why I was doing this in the first place. Finally, she said, “I don’t think you’re listening to me.” That got me super pissed because I was listening.
“I’ve heard and agreed with each strategy you just discussed. I can tell you everything you just said if you’d like me to repeat it.”
Sure, go ahead.
(after repeating almost verbatim what she had said) – I was agreeing with you but I kept wanting to go back to the roots of the issue instead of strategies to cope when it comes up.
Okay, so clearly you were listening. But why would I think you weren’t?
Because while you were talking I was inside my head trying to figure out the roots of my issue, and at the same time processing your strategies. I can do both simultaneously.
That’s amazing. However, again, why did I think you weren’t listening?
My eyes were closed and I was inside my head trying to work this thing out myself. And I kept changing the topic to going back to what I wanted to talk about.
Right, we weren’t having a conversation. You were trying to control the direction of the session to get to where you wanted. You evaluated every strategy I gave you, and since you agreed with me, you immediately moved on to the next topic.
Ah – yes, that’s true.
So, that’s not a conversation, D.J.
But as soon as I agree with you, can’t we just move on?
Oh boy…
— fin —
It’s time for me to learn that a conversation is not a monologue or rant of my thoughts. That’s merely performance. I need to be able to take in other people’s ideas and really digest them with them. This is intimacy and connectedness.
Strangely enough, to coworkers or friends I’m okay with your having a different stance on something. But when we’re dating (or married) you better damn well agree on everything I believe. Or else!
Yep – sadly, I have to own that this is me. But hopefully not for long.
Defenestrated Feet says:
Huh. Insightful. This is indeed a very important skill but can be very challenging. I’ve recently had someone come into my life who I often get into disagreements with, and it is SO hard to resist having to prove I’m right, or be accepted as correct, every time. I’m not even talking opinions – factually based things. Something as inane as “I can solve a rubik’s cube, and that particular cube has been tampered with; its orientation makes it impossible to solve” is met with “my one friend solved it one time, so you’re wrong. End of discussion.” This person seems to accept anything they’ve heard before or from an authority figure or a friend as absolutely correct, with no room for considering the opposite or even lending an ear to conflicting statements. And jeeeez, it drives me nuts! I back down under confrontation so I just seethe, under wraps. And I always double-check and fact-check afterwards, consider the possibility that I might be wrong after all (and sometimes I am, so I learn something new! Yay!)I’l tell you one thing though – practising the art of just “letting go” with these inane disagreements that ultimately won’t change any major thing for the sake of peaceable interactions – I think it’s been helping me be even more open-minded towards opinion-based disagreements as well! Score. 🙂
BoykePakpa says:
@tfpHumorBlog Hear your calling …
inthemomlight says:
therapy isn’t a conversation – it’s for YOU. My therapist reminds me of that all of the time. Be selfish when you’re there – you’re paying $140 an hour for it right??? Anyway, my therapist told me that the root of issues like this is that you think other people are doing things you would do – would you ever disagree just for argument?
Safireblade says:
“But as soon as I agree with you, can’t we just move on?” Yes and no. I have this habit when I am doing more than one thing in my brain (which I do often) and it can make people feel you aren’t 1) listening and 2) interested in their point of view. Knowing that is easy – the hard part is where you are now – learning to dialogue in a give and take. If the people wants to explore the different angles of the subject you have to be in on it. Tough to do – hang in there you can do it.
Craziness Abounds says:
Were we previously married? lol At least you recognize the problem and are working on it. Good for you
Katjaneway says:
You and I are very similar, DJ, but different in one key aspect. While you believe those people are literally lying, I believe I must bring them over to my side, because there’s no possible way I can be wrong. And I will make every excuse in the book in order to be right. My stubbornness is like a physical wall that I can’t climb over. I can NOT admit that I was wrong, even if I know logically that it will flat out end the argument. Even if I know it means nothing in the long run; even if I really AM right (and yes, sometimes I’m not). But instead of just saying “I was wrong, you were right”, I just sit there in silence. And stew. And I can try and try to push the words out, but it just won’t happen. And then we’re both resentful. Joyful days, those. lol
Natalie the Singingfool says:
I used to have this issue, but because I had this irrational need to be right all the time, and why would someone believe something that wasn’t right?? I got over it by telling myself I may be right, but if the other person still disagrees, they’re the ones losing out. On the rightness. Maybe I need to go back to therapy…
Cassandra_Pony says:
I like to play devil’s advocate. That’s how I was raised. Also, I worked with lawyers for almost 20 years and you have to think that way to a certain degree if you want to be good at what you do. Seems to drive the bf crazy because he thinks when I present the alternate viewpoint, that I support said viewpoint, which is not always the case. He attacks me about Viewpoint 1 before I can get to Alternative Viewpoint (2).
NorellLestinaShute says:
Reminds me of my Son In Law & drives me insane (okay-more insane than I am already). I do hope you find out why you get angry with anyone who disagrees with you. When you do, please let us know so maybe I can understand why my SIL does. I do enjoy a good disagreement about just about anything, but I never get angry when someone doesn’t agree with me. I just know that is what makes the world go around – who wants to live in a Stepford World, but he actually gets so angry that it worries me. I grew up in a home full of screaming and yelling so this anger actually makes me sick to my stomach. Keep up the hard work!!
thekozmoz says:
@tfpHumorBlog I wanna slap them…but not in the left tit!
therealbirdman says:
I don’t understand psychology, because in my mind I would think that you are recognizing these idiosyncrasies, and therefore should stop and think about it when they happen. I guess you can’t do that when you’re crazy, but that’s what I think should happen. Do you not realize it until long after it has happened, or do you realize it as it’s happening, but just can’t stop? I’m just wondering, because I desperately want to be a therapist, but I have no training, or tangible experience.
kaseykakes says:
I do the same thing where I get all in my head and people think I’m not listening. I’m working on active listening. And also not closing my eyes when I’m talking to someone, because I do that too.