The Plain Yogurt Disaster

Bring Back Crystal Pepsi
I love every pixel of this.

I made both a strategic and tactical error recently.

The interesting part of both of these mistakes is that they were accidental and unnoticed. The first instance happened at the grocery this weekend. Like a mother of four I now take weekly trips to the supermarket. Mostly to get more yogurt. Instead of buying only five at a time, I should purchase thirty. This is akin my desire to own thirty pairs of boxer briefs. It’s just good planning.

I made my way to the lady-infested dairy aisle,  found the  Greek  yogurt with the whey crap, and loaded up into the cart. I don’t know why pumping it full of more protein makes it  Greek, but whatever. I’ve never been to a Greek restaurant with the swarthy waiter telling me, “Our yogurt of the day is kiwi-apple. Highly recommended.”

The strategic error at the store was not paying attention to the flavors. I have this wild assumption that since most people aren’t psychopaths, you wouldn’t consciously choose plain yogurt. I presume you’d only buy it if you’re cooking with it or something. That white stuff you put on gyros and such.

Plain yogurt should be in a separate area, like with all the baking goods. And, yes, I know they don’t have refrigeration over there, but I once left a yogurt sit out overnight and I ate it the next morning and didn’t get worms. It was fine.

I must have accidentally thrown at least one plain yogurt into my cart. It’s amazing how much range yogurt has. Just by adding a little artificial blueberry flavoring it becomes delicious. Plain stuff, though, tastes like death. If you eat yogurt regularly the idea of a plain one not only disgusts you but actually offends you. It’s the popcorn Jelly Belly of dairy. Sure you can find someone with a personality disorder who prefers that flavor, but they’re heavily medicated and not to be trusted.

Strategic error – I wasn’t paying attention to what I pulled out of the fridge this morning.

Since I didn’t know I had a plain one I pulled a random yogurt from inside and tossed it on the counter. I like tossing food around since I’m an adult and have my own place and my mom can’t tell me to knock it off.

Yogurt is still a new food for me. I never had it growing up, and up until recently eschewed milk and related stuff. I read a book twenty years ago that said milk and yogurt were some of the worst stuff to put in your body. So I literally stopped. Well, I decided to come back! You know, just for fun. I wish I had a better explanation. But that’s the reason.

As I opened the yogurt lid this morning I noticed it was all-white. Normally there’s a color to it, you know – blue, red, yellow. I thought, “Oh cool – they got rid of the color! I miss Crystal Pepsi!”

Obviously you know what happened next. I was first surprised, then disgusted, and finally determined. Being a true man, I vowed to finish the plain yogurt.

I made it about a third in and had to stop. My body could only take so much. I’m not half-cyborg. Wait – cyborgs don’t eat. Okay, raccoon. I’m not half-raccoon!

So, this is how my mind thinks. Since I made this mistake, albeit unintentionally, I couldn’t just throw it out. Now it’s a challenge to beat the yogurt. If I toss it, it wins. Plus, it will make my garbage all stinky, and nobody wants that.

I would love to say that I’ll report back tomorrow, but does anyone want to read another 658 words on the second half of my plain yogurt experience? I’m hoping the answer is “no.”

Actually, I’m hoping the answer is “yes” so I don’t have to think about what to write tomorrow.

Bring Back Crystal Pepsi
I love every pixel of this.

Join D.J.'s Mailing List!

You're worth it. Give yourself the gift of more ThoughtsFromParis!

Thanks! Check your inbox or spam folder for a welcome message from D.J. - it should be there now!

Something went wrong.